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03.11.05 - 12:57 a.m.
winter has broken to be clear: the frigid 20-30o F zone has not changed all week, and the forecast says more tundra times ahead ALL next week. the most malicious mind-fucking aspect of this relentless windchill (blowing unabated since week one of december), i swear the chill whispers in my ear the lie that "it's too cold to leave your house, much less travel anywhere adventurous or not-necessary." in short, i let persistant windchills crush the whismy right out of me. no whismy, no flame to life. since the onset of march, i've been fighting back. in small ways, of course. daring to venture to a 9:45 movie showing of the incredibles one night, because damnit i NEED to laugh that day. steadily increasing visits to the gym, to enjoy a private triumph that i'm radianting heat post-workout and no longer sense the bruising cold air around me. last wednesday, i walked through two errands, and took THREE hot showers to compensate. i swear an internal shift twisted my will towards fighting again for my happiness... annoyance and weariness moves now into anger... angry. dissatisfied. restless. moved to ACT to DO to FIGHT BACK... all that heat energy's my buried will gurgling in me. "i'm winning, i'm winning" i'm telling myself inside. for me, december--january blurs together as endless days of reading in bed, burrowed under quilts and covers. i surrendered - without much of a fight -- three months of my life. enduring. enduring's not quite action or inaction either.... i'm letting go of figuring out why i shut down so completely. diagnosising or medicating's only half the story. sure, lack of sunshine's another huge half (or third). i'm convinced, that the final third's due to an aging body in transition. mine. i look over six winters i've spent here, and while the host of depressive symptoms occurs cyclically (nothing not new), the INTENSITY of these symptoms officially scares the bejuses out of me... just like our bodies supposedly outgrow allergens and such every seven years, i feel deep down that my body and mind have grown more (not less) sensitive to frigid upstate winters... body's telling me - i have to get out of here -- body's telling me - must move fast now. that body wants to live. that the winter that's blanketed and caged me MUST end now. can't give ni anylonger. my turn. fight for your right to enjoy the outdoors. so wicked hacking cough or no cough, i'm taking my spring back on my time...broken bodies spring forward. now.
MUSIC: davebrubeck, "love_songs"
READING: subjects&citizens
FEELING:feelings
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