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04.20.05 - 4:19 p.m.
what "leave me alone" means
Today I will try very very hard to block out a billion anxieties that keep crop up like unforeseen blisters where I least expect. I�ve been so frustrated lately about the advisor-grad student relationship and its endless permutations. Most recently, I found out my summer research assignment; I believe the gods must be laughing at me. Why else would the DGS assign me to work for the very professor whom I�m so tempted to take off my committee?!?!?!? Paradoxically, my last email to her said that �I need time and space to re-assess our committee relationship�. The language very much works as professional code word for � �I�m kicking you off�� Maybe more disturbing, the phrase �I need time and space to re-assess� means in much more personal language �Leave me alone!� The tone implied here, unfortunately, is not arrogance or confidence, as If I�m so confident in my project, I just want her to scram so I can get on with my life (although I think somewhat of those feelings exist there, too). Rather, the refrain �Leave Me Alone!� sounds like this �plaint I used to muffle into my pillow as a child towards my parents because I felt so damned TRAPPED in the parent-child relationship. Like this wish I�d repeat to myself over and over �leave me alone, I wish I could get out of here, I�m so sick of being obligated to stay in this relationship, leave me alone � get me out of here.� And the sick feeling again is trapped, suffocated, powerlessness, hopelessness, etc� with no permissible outlet to voice all these repressed feelings. Well, just for today, I will channel my resentment, anger, annoyance, frustration energies towards dissertation writing. The only way out of this dysfunctional, lop-sided, imbalanced power-relationship � not hyperbolic language, I do believe the grad-advisor relationship can be all of that � Is to finish my writing faster, so that I�ll get out from under her thumb sooner. In retrospect, I�m pretty damn sure that�s one reason I worked so hard in high school and college applications � because I wanted so desperately to escape � and so, I�m renewing my energies today to write my way out� To be continued�
MUSIC: streaming soundtracks (awesome means to feel like a superhero!)
READING: primary sources
FEELING:a clearing a coming
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