05.21.05 - 2:28 p.m.

i continue to take life as it comes, stepping forward and out of my house to meet the world knowing that the alternative -- to pace inside my house, waiting for the right moment, the ominous sign, the hunch -- that i can safely step outside of my house usually ends up, more often than not, resulting in me never leaving my house at all.

each day continues to be confusing as i've accepted at last that i'm living in my house alone. and acting like that i'm living home alone, rather than holding my feelings in constant suspension that any moment my roommate might come home -- and so consequently, yes, my apartment's a mess, my stuff's spread out everywhere, the sink's full of dirty dishes, but when i clean my house solely out of a defensive mode that my roommate might come home any minute now, well then, i clean out of resentment that i'm stuck with a job that i thought i'd share....

on my week -- babies, weddings, babies, weddings, and more babies -- in the past three weeks, i've found out about the recent births (in april) of two college friends; one whom i used to visit in nyc frequently, even stayed over at her place twice in the city, and attended a very faerie tale wedding... so, just to keep track and safely to use names here... among my close college buddies (close through a musical group) -- in 2004 zack, elliot, and kayla were born; in 2005 lane and sasha were born... on friday, just got an email invite to baby shower for a 5 month-pregnant h.b., my absolute first friend in grad school's happily announced her 4month along pregnancy in her last visit, and any day i expect invite to a buddy's wife's baby shower this month..

my reactions that i never voice to others because they're so horibbly cliched (in that college-theme essay way) are pangs of terror, which i don't at all feel around the cycle of weddings i've attended over the last decade. can you blame me for feeling shut out? think about it: unlike the very public business of wedding invitations -- bachelorette parties, bridal showers, all the romantic, and plane fun sexy flirtateous events --- a baby's birth does not ocassion a 150 invitations sent out to arrive at the E.R. for the due date!

the transformation of the women's body's deliciously wonderful - and the best fuck you to all the years of stupid media messages that privilege "shape" rather "health concerns" as the lense through which women should view their own bodies. so, many cheers to my friend's path towards relaxing about their bodies, enjoying eating for the sake of nourishing, etc...

after the baby's born, aside from the precious title of "godmother", we single childless friends really can n't participate all that much in the new world, now can we.

that hurts

so what if i sound like a narcissistic mis-guided fool for pining over "abandonment" 'exclusion' and other psychological terms to describes my sadness and powerlessness that after baby enters the world, my presence or necessity exits...

i'm used to friends dropping me for more exciting friendships, or as i'm sorting through at the moment, my closest friend j.f. has fallen hard in love with young new chick (i refrain judging my evaluation of her beauty here), but she's wrapped up in this new life partnership, and i'm out of the equation. points for her for finding love, i'm just hurting these days... although, to my credit, each day, whenever i feel the urge to call her and tell her how my day's going, or share a joke or observation about the world, i quickly save those thoughts to share with another friend, or say, post them here. okay, i'll leave life at that.

MUSIC: the best senegal music ever

READING: illegible ink scrawled over lined papers

FEELING:childless = abandonment

backpeddle
press on
bouyancy
encircle
the hub
d'land

blogging on up - 10.09.05
think not, hurt not. - 05.21.05
send it off, hug a book, stream a showtune - 05.03.05
"leave me alone" - 04.20.05
religiosity - 04.08.05

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