04.08.05 - 1:05 p.m.

religiousity

so much public adulation and mourning for the pope leaves me incredibly divided. i knew very little about the catholic church growing up, but i certainly knew about religious devotion. my parents grew up waking me and my siblings early in the morning for family worship: my parents handed us church hymnals and we had to sing hymns - and didn't matter if there were five or six verses - my parents wouldn't let us skip any of them, and incredibly they knew all the words from memory. then, usually one parent read scriptures from the bible and the other testified about the wisdom, truth, inarguable rectitude of those biblical verses and their applicability in their current lives. the other read some daily devotional; then, we all had to get down on our knees and pray outloud in the same order, one after the other, from youngest to oldest. and woe were any of us children if we didn't pay attention to the words my dad read aloud, even if we didn't always understand what they were reading about.

in blissfully sheltered times, i designated myself official reader - and jumped at the chance to prove my goodness and worthiness in my parents' eyes (all under the cover of seeking god's glory) - and

in more self-conscious coercive times, i'd rebel and use those public prayer occasions to vocalize my wants, needs, challenges, anger or resentment at my parents -- as in, "dear god, please bless my parents with money to buy me a bicycle" and my parents would shoot right back with "dear lord god, please help our daughter to see the sin of greed. relieve circling of her materialist ways and accept that all she needs is your holy spirit" or something like that -
holy passive-aggression!

i think my ire has cooled that my mother pointedly and frequently declared that she loved god more than me; or my frustration that my father might pray for money or his customers not to cheat him of his money, when inwardly i seethed that if he'd just use better judgement he wouldn't work for swindling cheaters who never had the money to pay him in the first place before he ruined his credit by buying materials up front and doing the job first before never getting paid later (sigh)

i know i jumped into the academic environment because the secular environment liberated me - to think, to withhold de facto deference, honor, and amens to philosophies i didn't share - i loved academics libraries because to me they represented stacks of uncensored information,and i didn't have to feel guilty, or i'd go to hell for seeking any sort of knowledge...

increasingly these days - post-nov. '04 elections and religious rights, post passion of the christ, post terri schiavo, and now post-weeks and weeks of global mourning for one human being - the pope - i think i lost something in the bargain. i've gained so much freedom and pleasure in unlocking my mind to knowledge at my choosing, but i've lost faith and devotion and absolute belief...

i'm glad i've got the weapon of skepticism, but i think it isolates me...at least from my immediate family, my past, all the creeds and ways of life i use to abide by SO DAMN CONFIDENT that every step was the righteous and thus right step..

i hate that i wake up each morning and have to convince myself that i have a purpose, that i must reason with myself about why i must act this way or that... i don't know where i'm going with all this, but i envy the faith and dedications of all those pilgrims flocking to rome right now, and i yearn for that strength i once had in my convinctions...

i use to cringe at how provincial and even medieval my mom sounded when she'd denigrate every friend i had as a bad influence, ungodly, unworthy, and then insist that the only one i could trust, should trust is god... i've therapied out how maniuplative that indoctrination was, to keep me closer to her and annihilate any outside competition for my loyalties... still, as day after day passes, the phone doesn't ring, no personal emails, ionce closest of graduate school friends have moved on out of my life, her staunch belief that i'd always have a friend, one dependable friend always in god doesn't sound all that unappealing a comfort any longer...

MUSIC: aguil_ra's beautiful

READING: nothing

FEELING:faith ebbing and flowing

backpeddle
press on
bouyancy
encircle
the hub
d'land

blogging on up - 10.09.05
think not, hurt not. - 05.21.05
send it off, hug a book, stream a showtune - 05.03.05
"leave me alone" - 04.20.05
religiosity - 04.08.05

archived 2005
archived 2004
archived 2003
archived 2002