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02.07.05 - 10:20 p.m.
no movie, no cry promptly after filing a bland broken-record entry here about my dread that i'll ever find a therapist, or a professional i can pay to keep me functioning like an ordinary adult, i feel guilty for exposing how bland and hopeless i really feel. i decided not to go to neverland tonight, didn't have the energy to walk to the movie theatre. didn't foresee energy to even walk back, although i feel safest lately being outside in the world after midnight. i felt guilty as well that, for as much as i can drum up a cringe-list of qualities i don't want in a therapist, i struggle to come up with a bare minimum list of what i DO want, or what a therapist could even do for me other than make sure i don't sabatoge my life or impose or infringe my inert self-sabotaging behavior upon anyone else. i thought a walk home, in unusually balmy 40o weather would do me good. instead, the effort to walk home only made me aware of how sluggish or bounce-less my steps feel. and while i recited my usual chant to myself that the best thing i can do right now is not to make things worse - don't leave another mess behind that my parents will have to clean up (my student loans, hundreds of books, stuff stuff stuff)... i found myself bargaining with god, not my usual, "please god, help me not stand in my own way. help me to actualize the life i've worked so hard to build, i don't need to be a hero, i just don't want to be a burden or problem to anyone else"... but the cowardly (?) or peaceful or life-acceptance "i'm okay if this is it. really, i'm fine if someone takes me out of this misery, i've lived a full life". no, i don't want to do the act. i don't need that drama, and i don't have 10 more years to rebuild and reassure everyone and myself that i've 'overcome' my shitty attitude and emotions, and want to give life another go. i'm saying, a quieter bargain, reasoning rationaly peacefully, i'm not afraid to pass peacefully in my sleep. the operative word is not pass, but peace.
MUSIC:
READING:
FEELING:
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