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02.07.05 - 7:41 p.m.
is herland ever findable? how many random referral numbers must i dial to find one person who can help me to find myself? i feel too tired to invent a snappy portrait of my tentative steps today towards finding just one therapist that i can tolerate and who can tolerate me for the next fourteen weeks or so. my expectations have nosedived since i first entered the very small, homogeneous, anonymous-less pool of well being providers six years ago. i don't expect this person to save my life. i don't expect this person to adopt me as her personal crusade breaking ALL boundaries (inviting me into her home, meeting me for coffee, driving me places) or worse a special friend that takes me out for ice cream or places me on her private and personal "on call at any hour" list, to request lengthy emails from me, to write lengthy heartfelt letters in return, to confide in me, or worse OTHER therapists in town, how very worried she is, how much she anxious, terrified, and torn up inside she is about my well-being when i'm not in her sight. i don't make this shit up ... i've heard or witnessed first-hand these bewildering, and IMO more harmful than helpful, caretaking extravaganzas ...
i don't expect this person to know all the answers. i don't expect miraculous revelations.
50 minutes, one day a week, will suit me fine. it's the interviewing part that i resent. or the how system of securing a referral from the same college healthcare center gatekeeper and wincing inside that M.C. must role her eyes every time my name crosses her desk. "Again?" she must ask. i certainly would, "why her again." if talking to my mirror reflection each morning worked, i wouldn't need a therapist. i've tried, reminding myself why i have to get out of bed, get out of my house, sit up straight and type into my computer, even if i don't believe much in what i'm writing, or don't understand the "brilliant" ideas as i once scribbled them down" i remind myself daily that i have to do something purposeful and productive (simple translation, give more back to the world than i consume passively through hourly newspaper reading, online opinion piece scrolling, and movie watching). it doesn't work.
nothing has worked. and i can swallow my shame about developing "co-dependent" attachment to a therapist to complete basic tasks, if i could get through those basic tasks on my own. the title "is herland ever findable" refers to the arbitrary deadline i gave myself tonight - the movie findingneverl_and plays tonight at 9:35pm, and so, i think i'll go tonight, for no other reason than the synopsis says that depp's character starts a friendship with winslet's character "at the point when his creativity has all dried up" - yep. sounds like me. creativity. friendships. pleasure. energy. future prospects. concentration. endurance. all. dried. up.
MUSIC: generic computer lab buzz
READING: old syllabi
FEELING:dried up
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