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10.21.04 - 11:36 p.m.
i've got the power it's gotten, it's gotten, it's gotten megga hectic..., says circling in her 2004 remake of this 80s hip-hop dance hit. last week i crash burned oct. 15th. getting back on track has taken longer than i thought. dang, where did the time go... fair enough that last saturday and sunday i caught up on bare life chores like laundry, cleaning, dusting, vacuuming, pulling out blankets, putting shorts away... and then what happened...i tried as long as i could do keep up the momentum that i had pushing towards my big public 10/15 deadline... but funny things happen after one cancels one's own big event... people forget about it... i'm feeling pretty forgotten... here i go sounding like an ambivalent contradictory a-hole. i guess i'm glad that my friends haven't mentioned the event...the last thing i needed was to process it to death with them... but my monday appt. with my new t was VERY underwhelming... her advice: circling, make a Victory List, so you can remember all your accomplishments.. yes, okay, well and good to reflect on the past... but that doesn't help me push ahead to get done with what i have to do in the future. like, craft a job letter, face my writing sample, how about face my committee members again - even though two of them were very sympathetic and said, look, just stop your perfectionist self and give us all you have so we can write something... i'm just so ashamed how inadequate what i have is on paper, i haven't been able to let it got (either the same, or more pragmatically, the job materials).... and so time keeps ticking... i keep looking over my shoulder when walking through my department's halls, expecting to see any one of them jump out and confront me -- where's the stuff? what gives? but no one has... and they shouldn't cuz, remember circling, you asked for space... space without structure is dead. by monday, after failing to meet past deadlines, despite working my ass of on my paper (at least trying to read up on stuff, trying to find another way in)... i returned with gusto to my class's papers... my poor students... god, i wish students really knew how much guilt, shame, and disappointment their instructors burden themselves with... each class i go on just determined that they'll learn something, that they'll be much better off after 75 minutes of writing, literature, discussion, whatever... but i always feel it's not good enough... i AM proud that they've developed a rapport among themselves... that's a victory... i purposely lowered the bar for class...purposely tried to make the environment informal and low-key... so i wouldn't have to perform so much like le profeseur, and they wouldn't be afraid to speak... but rules are rules, expectations are expectations, and i've fallen way short in that i have not returned their 3rd set of papers, even though their 4th paper is due tomorrow. my concession, i think, will be to try to finish grading by friday, and now that i have a car, i'll drive the papers to the mailboxes and hand deliver them myself so they can pick their papers up over the weekend. balance? where's balance? i can not dare let a day go by where i don't do SOMETHING dissertation/job oriented... but i swear i feel awful that - because i devoted ALL fall break to writing up my own stuff, i've just now started grading stuff for them... meanwhile, and i recognize my awful 'past' behaviors surfacing again, i lashed out at aas, the friend with the great idea that i should cancel...
that was tuesday night... and did i mention, the breaking point? i was driving both of us home after our tutoring shift, and wrapped up in my own depressive thoughts that she was chitchatting about bullshit and we'd not spoken yet about the ugly mess of last week... and i carelessly bumped into another vehicle -- out of nowhere, i swear within minutes, the campus police arrived, i was searching for car registration forms, i can't even call it a car accident, since i just grazed the guy's car - it was a car incident... what sucked though was yet again i demonstrated my incompetence in front of the friend whose opinion, on the one hand, and who's superoutstanding success on the other, makes me feel so intimidated, small, inadequte, loser. last straw, i shot off an angry email to her at like 2 AM (never i good idea to email thoughts after midnight).. of course she says she doesn't know where all my anger's coming from, that i've hurt her deeply, what's up with our friendship... but, and i've seen this pattern happen before in my friendships that i've let grown way too unbalanced without saying a peep to notify the clueless, self-absorbed other party that HELLO, friend, your actions are HURTING me... and the way petty resentment works, i'm GLAD she feels hurt...hope she's shed a tear or sobbed three... i'm sick of crying over her and how her actions wrecked my nerves, confidence, friendship... let her cry for once...
very middle school behavior... i know know know that blowing out someone else's candle, will not make mine shine any brighter. but, sinister me says well someone's got a blow out the light she's been shining up her ass for ages now... anyway, today was a victory in that i went to the GYM tonight - 9PM - 10PM - only like 3 people in the gym most of the time...perfect.. feels good... my weight's drives me crazy, and i promised myself post oct. 15th (andd post-paper) that i'd take care of myself again.. well even if the paper part of that promise isn't done, i must still dammit... october/november challenge to myself is on! can not let more than two days in a row pass without going the gym... must admit that i felt so much happier about myself - as in the negative self-disintegrating thoughts finally stopped swirling through my head. so,
today.. 40 min. elliptical, 4.0 miles... won't even get into calories burned, pounds lost.. til i'm at a decent weight but for now, consistency and scheduled structure's so key for me... i DO have the power, and dammit this weekend, the next three days i'm going to own it, work it, BURN bright with that power!
MUSIC: let go/frou_frou
READING: kincaid
FEELING:beyond the breakdown
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