|
10.18.04 - 11:41 p.m.
intuition first
my life would improve, i'm certain, if i would just consult myself and my own intuition to figure out the next best step rather than turning to my friends first; rather than relying in their advice, faith, belief in what i can or cannot do. don't mean to sound cryptic; however, to explain the domino fall into the most EMBARASSING PUBLIC FUCK UP AND FOOL OF MYSELF i've caused in my recent memory, would just take top much time that i don't have... in a nutshell? i cancelled my own big lecture (gulp) okay "big" size is relative. what pains me most is not that i missed the adulation of 50 nonexistent fans; what pains me most: i am a founding organizer of this colloquium series since last fall 2003. i've invested hours of time , energy, crucial input, imagination, and ideas to stage or produce (whatever you want to call it), these colloquium events for at least 9 other ocassions. ... so, my turn at bat was scheduled for last friday. and guess what? no surprises, i guess. by the time i made time to work on my own paper -- and i truly believed that i could write a 25 page paper, for public distribution, in the span of 5 days -- i had NO energy left, nor enough focus to pull this event off. and i hadn't anticipated a depression wave, released the day after fall break began: my roommate kinda disappeared at her parents (which has more and more brought up lots of homesickness, nostalgia, jealousy that i'm just not all that close with my family, nor will ever safely turn to them weekend after weekend ) and some nights in between spending time with her parents at their house or cottage -- what made this grand tease even worse -- wasn't my decision to cancel... my friends staged an 'intervention' and convinced me that i should cancel the event... yes, i made the decision, i wrote the indemnifying email calling the whole thing off, but i've never been so damn angry at myself or them for informing me of their lack of faith that i could finish; and angry at myself that i'm so damn sensitive, that just my closest friends mere mention that "well, you know circling, maybe you should just throw in the towel, call the whole thing off" - . i just can't articulate how decentering force those words had on me. my thoughts short-circuited. i did try to stop the madness, arguing that "i can't have this conversation right now" and asked A+J to leave the room and discuss their brilliant plans to sabotage my dreams outside... while i just broke down and cried.
sucker-punched, would you not agree? i just couldn't believe they weren't with me on this -- at that point, i should have followed my impulses to pack my bags, and run home (part of the intervention: my friend JRF showed up at my door, said pack your bags. obviously you're not getting very far. get in the car, and come work at my house. -- i wanted to flee, preserve myself and self-esteem, etc... and i couldn't i just let myself crumble under shame, humiliation, confusion, over "who should i believe" -- them or me -- in their opinion of how much i can or can not do... of course, the next day, i woke up felt awful... couldn't stop crying, met with an advisor -- she informedme that she would have come, again so many tears.. i announced point blank to intervention friends that i needed time to myself --i just didn't want to see them -- and so it's been 4 days? since... i'm glad now to have had the time off, but in the moment, felt so damn isolated and alone... allowed paranoid thoughts about "oh, what must everyone be thinking? oh what a HYPOCRITE circling is - how many times during organizational meetings did she talk trash about ppl who 'pull out' ? -- won't recount anymore of the numbness, sadness, disappointment, shame... of course, i also responded with impulse binge shopping and eating (in reverse order actually) to fill the emptiness... friday sucked... but actually saturday wasn't too bad -- had a house and home day (since my roommate again left to spend the weekend celebrating homecoming with her dad, and baking with her mother) -- so, yes, saturday, i decided to do all the chores i'd put off for WEEKS while i gave my heart, soul, life's time, thoughts to my stupid paper that i didn't turn in -- did FIVE loads of laundry; rehung posters and pictures since my landlord painted my living room sunflower yellow; vacuumed, swept, through out stuff -- and the biggest splurge of all -- went to staples -- bought my own leather executive swivel desk chair -- and the swung by pier1 and bought enough candles to replicate a fourth of july extravaganza -- plus candlessticks -- plus $4 flowers from T_PSGROCERYSTORE (now a WEEKLY shopping buy, not an extravagance, but a necessity) - -- it totally helped - pricy damage yes -- but i desperately wated all at once to make my home a fortress of warmth and good love -- self -love - at the moment were i felt my friends most unsafe, most untrustworthy, when i felt i most couldn't trust myself -- funny aside -- shopping spree ended when a kmart checkout person REFUSED to let me purchase an album by theroots -- becuase i couldn't prove that i was over 35!?!??! i'm not even talkinga bout cigarettes - i'm talking about dang music -- that's when i turned and headed home... so, geez, now i'm trying to recover my momentum and focus -- in the next two weeks - i've got to stick by my guns -- if i say i'm going to apply for jobs, including, of all places, my almamater, then hell, i better act like it -- doesn't help when 38oF rain drizzles down on me -- catching me offguard -- doesn't help when i a stack of student papers that i should return today (tuesday), that i haven't touched -- and mostly doesn't help when i've failed to meet EVERY deadline my committee's ever set for me -- - the perk ofmy day was an email from an wonderful old friend, who's now gone off to boston conservatory of music to live the vocal performance dream - she wrote: "you're a damn good writers, so just finish the damn thesis and get out of that podunk town so you cna come back to a city and be alive again, okay?" oh rach i love you so much for knowing me so long, and reminding me of the truth of my situation (dang, i've known rach since '92? or '93 - that makes 12 years this year ;-) yes, i want to be free - maybe the numbness, indirection, not sure what to do first, but damned determined to do SOMETHING productive tonight might be a good think. Don't Think. Do. Don't Think. Do -- If I keep doing, The SKY HIGH MOUND OF STUFF, and the GUILT for being so damn behind WILL go away.. AND I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE FEELINGS about any of this, just do what needs to be done -- i can feel later -- push. don't give up. push. finish what you started. type fast faster fastest freeeeeeeee!
MUSIC: maroon5
READING:
FEELING:
�
|
|
