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09.05.04 - 4:36 p.m.
to mr. [email protected]: since you don't know squat about me, i recommend highly that you stop responding to the smidgenof my life story that i deposit once every 7 days, the 25% of lows and not the 75% of highs i CHOOSE to divulge for my benefit, and not your fodder for piddling ruminations, in this webblog. yep, that's right - go find some other webblog to stalk and drool over some conjured connection (hell, don't some 60,000 other people attend CU - why not satisfy your pangs for identifications on their sites, and not on my time, and get the FUCK outta my space!
if you're so tired of reading how stuck i seemed to be in the same place, then here's the simple cure fucker: STOP READING! all genius, and no common sense?
or better yet, go find a 12 Step AA, NA, OA, GA, EA, or some other Addictions Recovery meeting... Go crash THEIR party, and chastise these drug, alcohol, food, emotions, gambling addicts you're line about your irritation that their fixation and stuckness on their addictions, their spinning and circling in the same exact place for 10, 20, 30 years of their life, really annoys the shit outta you... and yep, sure, and just like that, these imperfect people will drop their habitual shortcomings because you told them so...yep, because you told them that you've been listening to their sorry stories of making the same mistake twice, and they just are too dumb to accept your divine advice, and change their ways, just because you scribble tired-ass observations all over their portraits of their lives -
easy as that, huh, right jonathan?
so, for the last time: if i choose to throw my anxieties to the virtual wind, honestly express my concerns in this journal, instruct myself on the best way to make it through my day, then log out and move on with my life, that's my choice. - if you're looking for a faster change of plot, last i heard Days of Our Lives, and other such more predictable soap operas have been playing on the soap opera channel to cater to the immediate gratification that a random stranger transform their lives to become in tune with your dr. phil out-of-context observations.
frankly, my life's so damn busy, i don't even have a chance to read much less respond to other people's journal with a single-spaced full page of unsolicited commentary. dang, i wish i had as much free time as you, to not only read up on other people's lives, but but also you've got the extra time to inflate your hot air in the on-line breathing space of others. up yours, saint jonathan! for your information, all 17 of my students have attended my class for two days in a row - not one of them has dropped, even after i reminded them that the option is there. one student even said to me after class,that this is the best class that he's had out of those he's taking in his first semester at cu. you do not know the places i've been, the institutions i've survived - even the most banal practice, like taking care of my hair is a common day experience skewed by the imbalanced social make up even university towns....
... so before you chew me out, for 'whining' about the obstacles of everyday life (practices that 85% of this town doesn't have to blink twice before doing)...
... try shopping for a common black hair product in irvine california - walk through an entire aisle of close to 100 different hair products, then discover -- confirmed quite bashfully by the customer service representative - that ":sorry, we don't carry african american hair products here" (even though 60% of the stock and cashiers working in the store clearly are of african descent), - but if you'd like to take a bus two miles and travel to rite aid, you can buy some there"). try living in a town like ithaca where you have no choice but to shave your head, because the only african hair stylist BURNED your scalp with chemicals during your first year, and even wearing au natural is a hassle because every local barber that advertises "cut all hair types", forgets to mention that they don't cut yours. ever ask a barber to cut your hair, and have the coward respond: "i'm really afraid to cut (that is touch) your hair - but my black friends tell me you can travel an hour to syracuse to get your hair done."
and THESE experiences, MOTHERFUCKER, are just the minutia of every day life.... so while i'm making my way through grad school, not living off my grandparent's inheritance, or having my living parents pay my rent, or buy me a car - like the MAJORITY - of other graduates living this low-paying exploitative job -
...try balancing this life on your own, while doing your best to take care of people OUTSIDE the university, who need your connections, brain power, and most of free time independent of unplanned children... to BE ON THE PHONE, CALLING SOCIAL SERVICES OFFICES - several states away... try trying to keep your 19 year old sister in community college, convincing her that she needs to get a job and give money to my parents LIKE I DO MOTHERFUCKER - UNLIKE MOST OF THESE PRIVILEGED MONEY ELITIST IVY COLLEGE KIDS - while trying to keep that sister from meeting strange men from AOL chat rooms...
try also taking responsibility for the safety of women WHO AREN'T EVEN RELATED TO YOU, and having a BOMB of an email await you after 3 weeks away at one of the TOP theory institutes in the MOTHER FUCKING COUNTRY - WHERE I WAS THE ONLY BLACK WOMAN of the 70 professors and advanced grad students admitted, exhausted banging my head against every conversation to insist that JUST BECAUSE RACE AND ETHNICITY ARE "SOCIAL CONSTRUCTIONS" DOESN'T MEAN THAT RACISM NO LONGER EXISTS.... case in point....
yeah, that bomb of an email notified me that my japanese friend who got pregnant, then married her african american boyfriend - WHO HATES MY MOTHERFUCKING GUTS BECAUSE I'M ACTUALLY TELLING HER TO ASK FOR HELP AND SEEK COUNSELING - RATHER THAN DISMISS THERAPY AS "WHITE HONKY SHIT" (OH YEAH, HE CALLS ROMANTIC GESTURES - LIKE TELLING THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILD "I LOVE YOU" EVERY ONCE IN THREE WHILES, OR BUYING HER A GIFT -"WHITE HONKEY SHIT" AS WELL) IN OTHER WORDS, HE'S TRYING THIS WOMAN LIKE HIS ROOMMATE AND BITCH, NOT HIS WIFE AND MOTHER OF HIS CHILD, - COMPRENDE, MR. JONATHON J POET?
so mr. no nothing the fuck at all jpoet112 - yay, you try being contacted to ask if you circling can DO anything for this dysfunctional pair, because the racist neighbor in white washington states mean streets called the mother fucking police on this asian woman, black male couple... has had the police intervene in a domestic violence dispute and her one year old daughter has been removed from the home and puy into temporary foster care -- happy birthday, babe!
so got any answers for that dilemma going on when i'm not carving out spare time to teach my class?? try convincing your ithacaslumlord to fix the damn roof summer in and out, until the ceiling's about to fall the fuck down, and the water damage and mold are so bad that i'm becoming allerging to my own house - try spending your time convincing your graduate school about making sure i get my damn stipend - which hovers just above the $12,000 after taxes - in time as they promised, so that i can make it through the month of august on more than $4.00 that's remaining in my bank account. the above rant is a courtesy response to your invasive misguided words - i've got nothing to prove to you. i've already proven my worth, my abilities, and my certainty to get one of the best available teaching jobs in african american literature this year. one bachelor degree, 2 masters degrees, and a ph.d. - and maybe i don't have time to work on my own stuff because i'm busy mentoring high school students this summer, busy arranging for a free baby sitter group to help out a single mom and full time cornell employee find free daycare for her 4 year old child, which this fucked up racist town would like to stigmatize as ADD, unteachable, and unmanageable for his first year of kindergarten. if i weren't so busy trying to help out my community and friends that this armpit-of-the-ivies inferiority complex ridden institution tends to overlook, i'd have time to read through other peoples 1/2 sides of the story journals and give misguided advice. i don't know you, and already i know i've run circles around you. stop trying to dish out advice to people you don't know, and devote your energies to saving the only life you can save -- your own. off to the park to study in peace. circling free
MUSIC: earthwindandfire, september
READING: freudonfeminityandblacknessandvalue
FEELING:triumphantly confidant that no amount of bullshit judgement or advice will stand in my way
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