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09.06.04 - 5:08 p.m.
Motivation to Move the weak wavering imperfect unchanging Masses -- A generous selfless gift from Jonathan poetic muse and benevolent counselor. You, too, may seek the master-minder of others' business for free unwarrented advice: Write to Jonathan: Today, I'd like to share the multiple words of wisdom bestowed upon me from an unwanted guest in my guestbook, with anyone who bothers to read this website. I imagine that this readership remains in the single digits, and have neither ambitions nor desires to groom a following any larger than that. truth is, to cultivate more readers would oblige me to respond in kind with as much thought and care as other ocassional and less presumptive readers (*eventhewind*, *linguikat* , *hitch-hike* to name the 3 readers i've exchanged a few emails with over the past year, thanks for your encouragement and qualified advice. you see, advice and suggestions is one thing, telling me you're sick and tired of waiting for me to change - when i've got dissertation advisors, graduate program directors, parents, and others needling me to hurry up and finish a degree that i'm finishing at a respectable pace (under the national average of oh say 9 years... i'm starting year 6)...well, call me sensitive butthis girl feels backed into a corner and really needs for some space to be okay to breathe, without derisive scrutiny about her pace....
so, to continue: today, dear jonathan chided me with a swift kick of tough love, which he called motivation, in the following inscription: "Undergrads who are harsh as all hell on their professors, and expect their professors to merit their positions and the respect that the university structure affords them. Because if my professor or instructor was waivering and weak, their day to day classroom existence with me would be utter hell. Maybe it'll be good for you. In fact, of course it'll be good for you. You need the wakeup call. Want my #? I'll give it to you. I feel that you really need someone to give you motivational speeches. When will you ever believe in yourself and stop wasting your damn days." -- lovely words of motivation, from the high-minded man
know get this: mr. jpoet can't understand that, while the public sphere of webblogs entitles him to freely comment about my life, that same public domain ALSO entitles me to comment on his commentary with equal intensity, overgeneralizations, stereotypes, and reductive analyses
furthermore, mr. jonathan the poet can't seem to wrap his head around the notion that,perhaps i might devote time to a lengthy response as my chosen means to finding my way into a deeper understanding about myself, or to make sense of my emotional response to an accusation... in other words, if i chose to spend inordinate amounts of time generating and revising a response to your provocation, might i not just be using the occasion of his "motivational speech" to rethink my own means of motivating myself?
if such is the case, then i've rendered mr. poet useless, to my process. and what use have i for such benevolence as wack assessments, like:
1. that i might not merit my position in front of a classroom, nor deserve the respect of my students.
2. that signs of "weakness and wavering" might necessarily be symbolic of strength - that is the capacity to listen to, and incorporate the input of other's comments, and adjust accordingly...[and as i see it the whole bush hoopla about kerry's flipflopping pivots precisely on this issue. kerry actually listens to his constituency and exercises strategic flexibility, while george w. one-note - sings his narrow minded tune louder and longer, which he sees as stronger but which i see as DAFT!]
3. my classroom environment is one of "utter hell" which i impose on my students.
4. that i need a wake up call, and my current network of family, friends, therapists, colleagues, mentors, and former students can't possibly measure up to the resources he can provide -
he's just an email away, why not pour my soul out to him, who must at least 8 years (of LIVED EXPERIENCE, FORGET COLLEGE EDUCATION) my junior...
5. that i do not believe in myself, and that any moment that gives the appearance of my utter disbelief and lack of confidence -- which jonathan intuits from the 300 words or so that i write up in this space every 8 days or so - signifies that his definition of self-confidence represents this utopic condition of 24/7 100% perfect state where neary a doubt ever blips to disturb one's day.
6. i've been wasting my days, and his imperative to just "stop wasting my damn days" shall incite me to rise to the occassion of perfect performance in the every day world, (does anyone else here a hollow smack of the mythical impossible demand of the protestant ethic here?)
7. i've left out the juicy bit about how i need to get out from under the damn covers every day, and just go out into the world - and... and... "just do it!"
no, what mr. jpoet doesn't comprehend is that regardless of who reads or doesn't read, and regardless of whether i write or don't write, i write in this space for the calming, focusing affect of sitting still in one place - despite the red red rat race swirling around me - that writing here is meditative, therapeautic, a means of resolving internal conflict, a means of reaching clarity on issues.
and my most joyful experience after pressing send??
PRINTING the results of 30 MINUTES OF COMMITTED WRITING, knowing that even if i haven't met my quotient of 3 dissertation pages a day, i can be sure that i did face my computer, did overcome inexplicable anxieties and typed sentences on my keyboard, i did put one sentence in front of the other to form one coherent narrative that day.
and if i can do the banal exercise of webblog writing, ranting, prophesizing, blaspheming, castigating, poison-letter writing, versifying,... whatever my writing form takes...
if i can write once a day, every day, then surely, then i can surely work my way through the final phase of a 6 year journey, which is writing a 300+ pages dissertation
with or without the commentary of my friends, my committee members, or even the indefatiguible mr. jonathan jpoet112.
(now printing, now prideful over producing another 2 pages that represent my transformation of the ineffable into common sense for my own reflection; or rather, proof positive that even weak unmerited grad students like me can and DO take the responsibility to get out of bed each morning and motivate themselves to get the job done that they came here to do)
MUSIC:
READING:
FEELING:
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