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08.05.04 - 9:42 p.m.
time for a time out i've got two warring voices delivering conflicting messages to my worn out ears at the moment. (if you must know, although i've been home alone for hours, i've worn down my own ears via talking at myself and screaming at myself v. outloud all day. so there's Harsh F. Frustrated Voice (where F. stands for FUCK ME to Infinity), and there's Kind R. Gentler Voice. (where R. stands for Remember you are Human, and Remember you deserve many hugs today)
Now Harsh F. Frustrated Voice Yells the Following:
<*> WHATthefuck is WRONG with you circling??!?!?!?! how the hell did you let an entire three months go by, and come up with nothing written completely?!?!? <*> HOWthefuck did you let all day pass by and not concentrate on your writing (dissertation, sept. colloquium conference paper, greeting card, ANY writing) done?!?!? <*> WHYthefuck did you decide to play Virusbusters this afternoon and foolishly erase a key file on your windows program, which then took almost an HOUR with a delltechnician to reinstall? <*> WHENthefuck are you going to make wise decisions, think before you act, and finally do first what needs to be done most urgently, rather than start on the book or project flashing mostly brightly in your immediate view only to drop what you're doing and leave the task incomplete; <*> WHICHthefuck is my real problem -- Adult ADD or a "genius" gene that just likes to tackle fiften books and problems at the same time. Well, Not so Fucking Genius to Forget after 30 minutes, or better yet, 3 hours later, why you started on the project in the first place.?!?!? PRIMAL SCREAM PRIMAL SCREAM PRIMAL SCREAM PRIMAL SCREAM AGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHG!!! I could not be angrier at myself for wasting today on fixing what did not need to be broken, and repairing what i'd incorrectly "fixed". I did say that another Kind R. Gentler Voice had sent me some soothing thoughts, but I've squelched it until now. I'm so convinced that the self-loathing self-imploding with frustration at my mistakes voice is so much more right on, that I don't even want to listen to that voice. BTW said Kinder Understanding Voice is the one that I cultivated and developed in 4 years of therapy with a therapist who refused to get angry, annoyed, hostile, pissed off at me, no matter how many times i asked her why she didn't just short of slap me upside my head for being such < b>a PAIN IN THE ASS TO MYSELF :--( (thx to dr.iagerforthat memorable self-description. I suppose my skull would be pretty misshappen if Pam actually did hurt and punish me the way I'd asked her to; if she'd taught me a lesson I wouldn't forget, as my parents 'instructed' me when I was growing up. I just don't want to dismiss or not make use of that atomic burst of hateful energy, because it IS useful (my gut is absolutely burning right now, simmering in bewilderment that i boggle and batch even my best plans... so Kinder Gentler Voice Cooes as Follows: <~> Breathe. now, breathe again. You're entitled to let your lungs breathe at less than frentic pace; and your heart is way too young to be working this hard. <~> Ignore the clumsy way you managed to clean up your room today, pay no mind to the hours of time that passed beneath your notice as you swept, threw shit out, folded blankets, comforters, sheets and clothes and finally put these unused articles away into your storage shelves -- where you should have put them ages ago. Be proud that you removed all these mounds of fabric from your futon; be excited that you finally threw out at least 50 magazines dating back to at least 1999. most of all, celebrate that after all this time, you can finally use your reading room to read as you intended it to be, rather than a neglected, dusty, messay space that you stuffed sso much shit into you were afraid to also enter it. <~> Believe in the addage that says - "a cluttered desk [house, floor, room] represents a cluttered mind." maybe i feel too damn cranky RIGHT NOW from spending so much time that cleaning and throwing all my precious clutter away... but TOMORROW morning, I will likely awake thinking clearly because I can see my hardwood floors and can see the mahogany surface of my old desk. I will feel thrilled and renewed and as if I have a new license on a motivated life. And I will believe my astonishment that *I* actually accomplished all this change on my own today. <~> Remember. and Keep Your Hope Burning . Determined. HellBent. Miracle Worker. No, I'm sick of being the incomplete-queen, or the procrastinator of the year. I must remember that all the energy I put into the last few days throwing shit away, and even clearing out shit on my computer, means that I am preparing the way for some miraculous focused days ahead. Remember that you've performed under pressure - remember the march conference paper that you wrote in < 2days, after grading 60 five-seven pages papers and grading 60 quizzes. <~> Trust. I must trust that even though I am leaving for California 7 days from now, 7 days is a long time. and my mood and ambivalence towards my work ethic can strike a medium between letting myself off the hook completely, saying "Aw, relax, rome wasn't built in a day;" and riding my perserverant spirit that responds, "Okay, so Rome didn't go up in 24 hours, but ya know, the city eventually WAS built." I am still capable. I am a builder. I've done enough destruction today. I know I need into stand firm in my abilities and believe like the dickens that I can pull myself together to get something written in the next week. Hour by Hour. All I beg of tbe HP is the GIFT of FOCUS. Please please please help me to focus. Please do not allow random phone calls from friends completely derail me, or rather, take me on a tangent assignment and completely forget the work I have to do myself. And Focus Corollary #2: With just 7 days til Irvine, I have EVERY RIGHT to FOCUS ON MYSELF, MY NEEDS, MY TIME, MY GOALS, ONLY!!! by the way, i didn't purge today, although i was sorely tempted. sorely sorely. hmmm, maybe all that dang cleaning was the unconconscious distraction to a binge I could not afford to take. ...which makes me think, it wouldn't be too bad if I started a purge-free log here in this space. i am honest with myself, and post my daily exercise, and food intake in another webspace. i'll have to expound later as to why i'd much rather prefer my abstinence to be a private affair, rather than a public team/group sport [read: competitive, open to deceit, lies lies lies, distrust, and loss of original purpose to self while getting sucked into monitoring other's progress more closely and with more false/obligatory cheer than towards my self] butya know, it would be good to stay centered and i'm charmed by the idea that i could log on to this space 3,000 miles away and update my progress. i've got no other goals than staying off the porcelain hole and the deli-queue. 08/05/04-->8/29/04 [50m.6725.5.15d.625cs.158.5kscirctrng:hamstring@100;ab&aductor@80;[email protected] 'kay to f*ck abs today :-)]
MUSIC: soundtrack: saveme, aimeemann (magnolia)
READING: derrida: writin' & diff'rence
FEELING:frustrated with my self
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