|
07.21.04 - 7:55 p.m.
too hot to think okay, today i'm gonna forgive myself for continuing to wake up around 12 noonish, only to return to napping around 5PM, then awaiting the setting sun at 8:30PM. i guess i could consider this week the height of summer. i'm grateful for the sun don't get me wrong. it's just that i'm sweltering in a second floor apartment, with nothing to do but sit up straight and face my computer and write... but it's too hot too think... the sound of the fan whirring, without any accompanying breezes (that i can note) discourages me... around 5PM, i turned off my computer convinced that the heat it generates is contributing to global warming, and my overall overheated condition. lies lies lies i tell myself because i can't bring myself around to working today. if i detail all that i have to do before i take off for california in 23 days (yes i have a countdown), i might just give myself the panic attack i need to stay awake and work. i'm not discouraged...today i imagine that i'm a tabby cat, restlessly pacing around the apartment in search of a cool spot. there's none to be found. yesterday definitely marked a turn. achievement #1: i cajoled my buddy ang__ to accompany me to speak to a flash prof from duke, who happens to be a bigwig in psychoanalysis, colonial studies, and gender studies. unfairly to ang_, i spent more time in our "interview" talking her up (she agreed to come only if she didn't have to say anything), than speaking about my own projects coherently. anyway, i know that's not really the point. it's called networking - without the schmooze factor -- after all i listened quite attentively to her lecture on disposable bodies in the 21st century and launched myself into renewed interests in current events around violence and violations towards women's bodies - which makes me return to my own diss project believing again that my work is urgent, valuable, must get out. and i did enjoy putting on a decent pair of fancy 2" heeled sandals, my favorite black skirt, and dressing to impress (no matter how abysmal the job i did) - achievement #2: although far too lazy (i mean hot hot) to get my ass up to the housing office to advertise my room for rent, i did compose an ad to circulate amongst friends - so hopefully someone as wonderful as my present roommate. please god, i know i've done hardly nothing towards moving the ball forward, i have made one single step. achievement#3: had pleasant IM with my sweetmatch.com - i really do like her so far - although we haven't met in person -she mentioned that she found a buyer for her house that she and her x-had bought together - whoa - geez, i should be on my second home by now - not necessarily my second major commmitted relationship (to be honest, i've never really had a first) - but the more i talk to her, the more relieved i feel that she's got a grip on her life (could be virgo vibe that i'm projecting onto her). i refuse to be anything even resembling a caretaker in my next relationship - and not that i can seek anyone to caretake for me, since lord knows i've the multiple tasks i've got to juggle would frighten anyone away - job hunt, post-doc hunt, fix car, find roommate, publish publish publish, write write write big diss book, etc... not to divide the world into normal or non-normal - dangerous stuff - how about imagine we're all atlasses, and all walking up a hill. some ppl can carry heavier loads than others - some ppl's disposition in carrying their loads are more serene and optimistic than others - and i'm just glad that she seems like she's managing her load with a backpack called hope, and a common sense stride called determination. no need for me to expend my energies relentlessly pointing out the brighter side of things to save us both from drowning in her troubles; no need to mask (i hope) the gravity of my fears in a foolish belief that only one of us can be at sea at a time; no need to explain to her in a trillion different ways why her life is worth it, why my love for her has greater value than her hatred for herself.
by that same token, i'm realizing even as i write this, that my own mound of shit drives me crazy still, but not crazy enough to screw my body,self, future opportunities, etc... over. i'm actively dreading wearing a bathing suite at the beach parties i anticipate at irvine this summer, but damnit, i refuse to mope at home and deprive myself the chance of being with others, laughing at myself in the company of others about how much we collectively hate how we look in a bathing suite. okay so i guess i can count, achievement:#4 - collasal change of attitude, or fuck the self-defeating behavior. life's too short, and i love mylife too much (no matter how broke, uncertain, and above all overweight that i feel) - can't keep me locked up in my hot house. and with that, i'm depositing this entry, and turning on the notepad (no margins, rulers, spellcheck) and allow myself to freely write with impunity. if i want to get outta this uncity to a place with dry heat as well as the humid clammy stuff - well - best get to writing, y'hear. goal: 9PM - 12midnight = no email check, no aol check,no web surfing, no phonecalls, just me. my itunes and the pad. worry about the output later. discipline separates dreamers from succeeders.
postscript okay, the temperature's finally dropped to 50 something degrees and clarity of thought returns. yeah. i'm not crazy, just foggy in the brain. i know, i cheated, coming back here before 12PM. i'm sitting outside on my porch in the moonlight drinking up a midsummer's night breeze (oooh, great title, no?) - i got my nudge, HP -delivered nudge for the day when - in the span of 1 hour - n__k called to ask how my diss writing was going and to invite me to a late night computer cluster session on the empty campus. i declined, only because i'd hardly moved further than upstairs to downstairs today, and because my home is so quiet - a rarity - i can't walk away to seek asylum elsewhere. my asylum's already here - and then cathl___ called me to ask for this book that i've got of hers - we're "peercollaborating" on our courses next semester - she's in the thick of working on her syllabus - okay then circling - the hard irrefutable evidence shows that if n__ck and cath__ are more concerned about your progress on your writing and teaching than you are. NOT GOOD! cardinal rule of THX: the T-pst should *never* be working harder on the client's recovery/improvement than the client. or in this case, my friends should * NOT * be working harder on my progress than i am. obviously they think i can do this, even while i - fainthearted - resist even trying.
so infused by two bolts of love and belief in me, i poured a huge glass of ice water, bowl of strawberries to snack on, and am outside - making a way where i don't presently see one... i'm congeaaalllllinngggg - woohoo
MUSIC: whir of a useless fan
READING: zizek on the sublime
FEELING:like i'm meeeeellllltttttiiinnggggggggggg
�
|
