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07.19.04 - 12:24 p.m.
s.p.a.m. i have to say that going to therapy is like going to confession, or that's how i treat it anyway. the reality is that i have so much guilt about the value, use, appropriateness, point of every decision i make (or more pointedly, refuse to make) and every act that i take that there's no way i could fess up to every thing in one session. still, since i've started with a new therapist and have pointedly chosen to work with her to keep my dissertation on track, it's quite nice to have a place and time where i confess to all the stupid shit i've been doing to avoid facing my dissertation. i was most impressed that she consistently pushed me towards what actions am i going to take NOW? asking, okay you've wasted your morning, but the day is far from over yet, so again, pick a task and commit to completing that task so you can go to bed each night not feeling awful about yourself for not accomplishing anything. and, to her credit, she *did* point out that, yes, i can tell that you want to talk about all the feelings behind why you squandered most of the weekend away. but, we ought to also spend significant time talking about what are you going to do about the time ahead of you, rather than analysing to death why you did what you did. so, first the boring part. she suggested that i adopt the criteria - S.P.A.M. - to help me make decisions about chosing which task i'll call my dissertation task, and we agreed that if i complete that task according to the S.P.A.M. or M.A.P.S. or A.M.P.S. criteria (oooh, how i love anagrams :-)) then i can pat myself on the back that i've spent the day well, AND, i can tell myself that i don't need to worry that i'm not moving anywhere. if i S.P.A.M. then I'm in good shape. S.P.A.M. S = Specific. What specific task will you take action on today? P = Pertinent How does this task pertain to my dissertation? A = Attainable Can you achieve this task and feel accomplished? M = Measurable How will you measure or know when my task is complete. I liked that I was able to review each one of these criteria, and figure out that pertainence is the area that gives me the most trouble. I don't always doubt that the tasks I chose are relevant; I do always doubt my ability to know where this tasks relates in the big picture. I like the notion of myself as a maverick, a dreamer, a person who follows a hunch that no one else believes will be of value. I like proving in the end that my hunch was dead on right. But, the other side of figuring out was is pertinent, is my ability to commit to that goal and follow it all the way to the end until I've proven that my task really is relevant. In other words, too often I start up on ideas because I'm certain that they're worth thinking through, and then flail, resign, give up before I find out if these ideas were actually okay in the end. It's a peculiar type of fear of failure. I don't believe that idea is a failure - I just don't always believe in myself enough to carry out the idea until I prove it's success. I think that, since I do love ideas (and insert people, causes, visions) and trust in their worth with a passion sometimes even stronger than how I feel about myself, well then, put blinders on and stop looking back at myself and questioning if i'm up to the task. The task is worth following through period. So act on it -- and build on that trust that the task will prove Me right in the end, rather than the other way around -- that I trust that Me has what it takes, has enough value, competency, knowhow, stamina, to prove the task right in the end. It's worth a try - and the confession is quite innocuous: i can't stop my fascination with the rampant gossip, discourse, public opinion, tabloid investigations on the recent hospitalization of MKO - i've got so much ambivalence around her illness, which isn't exactly mine - anorexia - but more ambivalence about this icon of success who had this public persona of worth so much, beautiful, wealthy beyond measure, and able to do whatever she puts her mind to do -- and the media frenzy over her "tragic fall". confession of a former precoscious kid (me) is that yes, once upon a time, i did feel i was endowed with all the right gifts, qualifications, cards aligned correctly, to accomplish everything i wanted. and in the past two years, i've finally rebounded to my former childhood state of self-worth and meteoric success. inside (like i suspect MKO might feel) i just don't believe the hype....or i believe the hype is pretty damn crushing - and even while on the one hand i work hard to cultivate this superdiva image, on the other hand, i'm carelessly sabotaging and recklessly spending energy on stuff that will undermine my image and my projects. okay - the flip side though is that long ago in '86, i too was fascinated by the OT phenomena on Full*House, but i outgrew them pretty much after the show went off the hour - and while I wasn't looking - the two of them have gone on to amass a $300million fortune. hot damn! i respect them for their hard work, endless promotion, marketing, long hours - i don't think them spoiled -- more like pretty damn lucky - and so over the past week, i've spent countless hours just looking at fansites, and media libraries and reading up on their historic rise to fame - or the points that the press has seized on to note evidence of her demise - points that have become a mainstay of the stupid thinspiration cottage industry - the walkoffame photo shoot - the vanity fair cover - the SNL show - the nyminute bomb of a feature movie - (although i have only seen the trailers, i have a feeling i wouldn't have minded throwing $5.50 for a matainee viewing) - and what i see now is not just the pretty faces (my vote is not with those who think they look like monkeys and what a horrid thing to say about another humanbeing!) but how very tiny (5'1? 5'2?) that the two twins happen to be - and it amazes me to think that - (a) it's their twinship that keep holds the fascination of glossy magazines. period (b) since they are so petite, not even close to runway model height, had they not lucked into playing that baby roll, they would never have gotten this far (c) so they haven't had a break in 17 years - obviously a demanding $$$ driven parent (father/manager) is behind that - so when you're born into a phenomena or circumstance that you didn't ask to fall upon you - at what age can you assert your independence and do what you actually love to do - when is it your choice? i'm probably not saying much new that anyone else has thought about - rather than trash their acting their beauty their height whatever - i think, in so far as this dilemma relates to me - i can say that i'm glad that i broke away from say the science, pre-med box that i'd been placed into (my mom's a nurse - and my earliest wish was to become a doctor so that i could work in the operating room with her as an adult <:-/ ) i'm glad i was able to make the choice in college to follow what i loved to do, and to trust that even if the pay off wasn't as financially grand, my happiness and trueness to my independent choosen passions mattered a hell of a lot more -- yep, made that decision in my sophomore summer after a summersession at har*vard - realized that you know what - i'm at the mountain top of higher education - and while the famous history is intoxicating - i'm not all that happy with myself at night - so i walked away, even after visiting the shrine of HarMedSch. and accepted that that destiny wasn't mine - i suppose i was 19 then - and i figure that MKO's got time - she'll figure it out - so stop obsessing about her future, and re-commit to the one i'm lucky enough to already have in front of me. 'kay? s.p.a.m. that!
MUSIC: everystepyoutake (in my head!)
READING: n*ssbaums bostonreview article
FEELING:desire to turn things around
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