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07.22.04 - 10:39 p.m.
survey says . . .? comments, opinions, and votes welcome... so, i've only known ms.sweetmatch for < 2weeks of IMing and a phonecall. she's invited me to come on down to nyc's summerstage at centralpark and listen to a concert by an artist whom i never knew i loved, until she passed on the recommendation. [update: not only is n'dea-davenp_rt scheduled for tomorrow's concert, but a spoken word poet named imani (dang, i love that name) is supposed to be the second act before the final hit, some bluesy jazz funk band headed by carl_hanc_ck) okay, admission - i'm already biasing myself by having this flash new album blaring soulful/funky/electronica. feeding me music is definitely the fastest direct way to my heart. so pros: i deserve love. i need love. i need touch. warmth. not just the writerly and witty, but infuriatingly distant and distancing intangible kind. i'm talking body love, fleshly touch, romantic bloom, emotional rawness, erotic real kisses. i'm dreaming of what i haven't experienced over 2+ years - uninhibited intimacy - f*ck the dramatic/traumatic bullshit wedging impermeable walls between two gorgeous brown luscious bodies. (note, i'm going on my image of what sweetmatch.com's body looks like below the two beautiful headshots she's sent me so far). phone's ringing - maybe i'm not meant to consider the cons...
UPDATE for July 23, 2004:
dear universe, thank you for conspiring on my behalf for once.
it's a done deal, although i'm still curious to hear the thoughts of all those lurkers out there (thank you hitch-hike for your assurances :-)). yes, this meeting this online friend/potential lover in real life is awkward, but less because i don't think i trust her, but more because objectively speaking, all this match-making stuff online is pretty dangerous. not to overanalyze the cultural phenomena too much, but essentially by directly signing up to a web/churning/algorithm-figuring electronic matchmaker to do the pairing up of profiles, we've eliminated the convenient strawman or woman in-between, who is typically the "well-meaning aunt" or "just here to help" best friend. after my conversations with ms. sweetmatch.com i find myself wanting to call what would be our mutual best friend to talk over our latest interaction. the po-mo cyber-dating age has cut that conveninent person out, however, so, like last night we went through the awkward but necessary process of just vocalizing our thoughts (like, "okay, how tall did you say you are?" and "do you still look like the person in the pictures you posted?" etc...) funny enough, she mentioned the one flag that i'd noted so far: she knows that her voice sounds very young, way younger than her pictures - which by the way are stunning. perhaps they're professionally done, but i'm way intimidated. and to boot, she's 5'9" but not of the waifish or androgynous kind. and i haven't been with someone so much taller than myself, so.
back to how the universe's been working on my side:
i sent an email to my friendcathleen, in which i mentioned off hand that i'm off to walk to the bus station to buy a ticket for a 4:50 AM crack of dawn 5+ hour bus ticket to nyc.
just as i'm packing up my stuff, cath emails right back to say that she's driving to nyc tomorrow for a wedding in nyc - and offered me a ride! hell-yeah i'd prefer to leave my house at 8 AMish, and have someone to gab to on a road-trip, rather sit in a bus and journal neurotically and build up an anxiety attack about this very casual meet up that i'm arranging. AND - this car pool ride downstate will give me a chance to strengthen my friendship with cath__ who's a cool woman in her own right. all i have to get her in return is 1/2 of gas, and a cup of soy-chai tea to get us both started tomorrow morning.
okay, drama/universe odd crossings continue as i much acknowledge that isn't it ironic, cath_ is driving down to stay in an apartment with t___ - the poet who gave me the ambiguous, ambivalent, hemming and hawing flat out "No!" last month. the two of them are going to the same wedding of a fiction writing grad student in the city. anyhoo, not to obsess in that passive-agressive "oh woohoo - drama, see, now t__o will know that she most definitely missed her chance, as i'm on my way to meet a far greater and taller (smirk) lady than thou - forget your boi-lovin' type-casting!" i REFUSE to chase or persuade any potential crush as to why they should want me. persuasion and pleading another person to give "our" relationship a chance is for chumps!!!!
anyway, i'd much rather drive to nyc like a grown up with another 32 yr old grown up (cath___), than take the bus (which i don't mind, but ugh, lately, i've grown to love being at the wheel) - and making myself read.
and, turns out also that rach__ in the city will my most likely crash spot - she's living in the lower east village, 5th floor walk up, b/w avenue b_c livin' (blocks away from the Rent Cafe), talented singer, pianist, musician and above all tried and true supportive friend from college (my most honest in your friendship - going 14 years strong -- like rach is the type of non-nonsense friend to say, "if you don't get your head outta the toilet i'm gonna kick your ass!!! and don't come cryin' to me when you've got vomit stains all over your clothes" yes, i love you rach) had considered the same concert at central park, except she and her boy sam plan to attend another concert at lincolncenter - that starts at 10PM goes til dawn
so, even though rach is 29, i'm 30, i'm feeling the growing excitement of being a teenagers again, or neophytes to nyc - hiking up to Cent_Park to see Aida (for FREE), or going to a linclncentr at alice tully hall to listen to mostlymozart oboist and flute concerto FOR FREE . or damn, lounging in tompkins square, or helping her carry her laundry a few blocks away, then going out to 6th street for indian food while her wash was in the dryer. gosh, i need a good rach injection...
and so even if sweetmatch turns out to be psycho - or we're better off friends - the trip will be worth it guaranteed.
LOVE it when a plan comes together ; -)
p.p.s. - just had to add how awesomely blessed i am that my housemate just gave me a ride to target, where we found a conveniently SMALL eddiebauer bag on sale, down from $40 to $31.00. and since she gave me a lift, i was able to curb my impulses to buy lipstick, cosmetics, shoes, a new outfit, and act on any last minute attempts to "buy" something that would make me good enough for tomorrow...i'm already good enough. it's rach&scout's weekendadventure if nothing else.
MUSIC: bran_ne_heavies (sweet's recommendation)
READING: d_leuze's ant_oedip_s and lovin' me some schiz*analysis
FEELING: torn
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