|
07.06.04 - 8:19 p.m.
"screeching halt, time to refuel" came to a screeching halt this weekend. slammed on the brakes of maniacal frenzy of socializing, one party running into another, good times so full and never-ceasing that i let days run into night. but, i pronounced it good. and it was. i had a good week. come last saturday, however, i decided enough was enough. i needed me time. and i didn't email. didn't use the phone. the days were too hot besides. i decided to stop looking for good times, initiating fun-filled memories, and refocus on well, what my summer's supposed to be about: me and writing my dissertation. yes, there's such a thing as balance. and since i've learned to allow myself to have good times, learned to accept last minute invitations even if they weren't in my original plans for the day, even if i didn't receive 24 hour notice ahead of time to think over the proposition, i've grown to welcome the uncertain. put another way, i've learned to allow other people to control where next my life leads. i've let other people assume responsibility -- when they've volunteered to do so -- of organizing good times to be had by all. i wish it weren't so all or nothing. and i'm not bipolar. nor, do i think that i would be wise to pathologize and categories my management of my time as extreme highs of packed scheduled fun and extreme lows of isolation, boredom, confusion about what exactly is the next step. transitions don't come easy for me, however, so i do try to keep an ear to how i run through my week -- viscosity or velocity - the title of my FAVORITE chapter of kaysen's g*rl*nterrupt*d... she muses that depression comes in two forms: either life moves faster than a black out or slower than crusty molasses dripping out of an aged jar. since i felt exhausted as all fuck. and since my first deadline for my writing group approached on sunday and i hadn't even attempted to put sentences together - i thought i'd shut the world out, shut myself in, and try writing. besides, i've never felt so disillusioned about the current political environment - and the 4th of july celebration of independence never sounded so hollow to me - not as its inventors intended the holiday but the disconnect between those goals for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness when in fact at this day and age (and especially after my own wakeup call post-F911 viewing) i've felt disgusted about our country's dual mis-use and distortion of the meanings of "freedom" and "happiness" that we've imposed on a country the size of some of our smallest u.s. states (what is iraq the size of pennsylvania or indiana?), and simultaneously the misrepresentations of truth in the media that have cultivated similar distortions of those truths we're supposed to hold self-evident (life, freedom, happiness,) when all around me the pervasive air of powerlessness to the narrow-minded thinking of a presidential figurehead have left me feeling unfree, unlively, and unhappy. saturday and sunday went by and my friend ja__ was the ONLY person i communicated - that kind of day - no contact with the outside world - virtually, phone, not even through snail mail as the post office is closed. that kind of day, when my roommate and other social human beings "have plans" with other people, and do something with other ppl, e.g., my roommate was out somewhere with her boyfriend, picnicking, rollerblading, something festive. (i can praise myself for at least not running up to the university campus as a default option and studying in an empty building - that would've been the depressive of the depressive). things didn't quite change until sunday when my roommate invited me to do laundry with her and her boy and i jumped at the chance to drive in a car - albeit 6 blocks - to the neighborhood laundrymat and to DO something and BE with people - and as it turns out the monday after july 4th, despite the oppressive humid 85+ weather. in fact, i was so energized i put on a floppy straw sunhat and kept chirping about what a great vacation we're having - grad students for a date with the laundymat and the airconditioned coffee shop - towards 5PM on monday, i felt pumped enough and guilty enough by leaving lots of loose ends untied, that i called th_ to schedule a dinner date with her later in the week. she enthusiastically said, hey, 'why not have drinks' tonight? given a choice between responsibly preparing my diss chapt. draft for my group and slogging vodka martina's with the crush, well i chose the crush. should i cut to the chase, the outcome of this ambivalent potential night of finally freely flirting fooling around and just experiencing intimacy with someone safe whom i trust for the first time in AGES? i slept over at her place...but on the couch...no kiss...no mention of feelings or desire...no nothing. i still haven't debriefed with ja_ so i don't want to wear the issue out to death. but riddle me this d-land readers: what do you suppose should come of the following scenarios of romantic elements, and series of IFs stacked in a row: if two mature women - who've discussed feelings for each other - or at least my feelings for her back in march... 1) if they return to the upscale lounge for martinis, even sitting at the same table...and 2) if they both dress up both pretty snazzy and sexy evening ware that looks cocktail date like dress. 3) if i bring, for kicks, a copy of one of the online dating profiles i've filled out complete with pictures of me to read 'for kicks'. 4) if she reads it over and says nothing negative about my advertisement about myself...takes the gesture in stride...and surmises that there's really no reason why i shouldn't find anyone... 5) if, as a parting "gift", i swap the 'tigerlily' flower arrangement with a 'daisy' arrangement. which makes her smile with approval. 6) if she smiles even wider when i snag the two daisies from the vase (as the waitress takes it away at night's closing), and even puts the daisies in her hair 7) if, she answers without hesitation that no, she's not tired, and likes my proposed i dea that "we go back my place or hers" to watch a DVD that i happened to bring with me [yes, my nickname is baglady because i ALWAYS am the woman carrying a million items, although each one always has some symbolic or sentimental value. 8) if the movie i happen to bring "slam" turns out to be one she hasn't seen but has been dying to see, because SHE'S PLANNING TO TEACH IT IN HER COURSE ON POETRY AND PERFORMANCE THIS FALL! 9) if, we flip a coin - and i note hah - that heads or tails she wins since her initials are T.H. - and she does win - H - we head back to her house! 10) if we sit side by side on her futon, put feet up, and she's okay about me resting my head on her shoulders for much of the film -- 11) if she adoringly and comfortably pats my head a few times, rubs my arms other times, essentially doesn't seem averse to close touches 12) if in fact we gasp and cry at the same moments, even agreeing in unison that "eeew, neither of us would ever have sex on the first date"... 13) if after the movie's over, i ask if it's okay if i stay over since it's 2AM ... 14) if she even volunteers an extra pair of pajamas (love this girl - all stripes and plaid aesthetic) - and the pajamas friggin FIT (praise the lord even though she's petite at 5"2" 15) and if i were bold enough to just take off my shirt in front of her (keeping the bra on of course) in order to change into her t-shirt/pajama top - (it's called a striptease, folks). if after all that - we could meet at 10PM and talk and drink non-stop and watch a movie (dare i use the word snuggle) up until 2AM... why didn't she get the hint that i would have loved to have ended the night with a kiss. a harmless goodnight kiss. not full on mouth tongue tussle???
i'm not about fucking and running, or jumping into anything to fast - even if i'm 30yrs old - and seasoned enough in the experience of being fucked and abandoned - i wonder,"were both of us just so afraid to even think of starting something that weren't willing to take advantage of a quintessentially convetional moment and take the romantic turn??" thankfully, i was so tired...and was satisfied enough (at the time) with how the evening went. and the next morning, i woke up at 6, 7, 8 to the bells of the university tower - and as she's a deep sleeper, without being too stalkerish - i went up to her bedroom entryway - took in the sight of her sleeping all wrapped up in her blankest wishing very much that i could have been in that bed, if even just to occupy the same space with her - and then gently called her name repeatedly until she woke up, then looked away discretely so that she could get outta bed and not feel like a was a slime monster. the morning was nice - she made tea - we had cream and sugar talked a bit about sleeping habits and the quilt that she loaned me - which had special value - a high school graduation gift. and then she drove me home. i didn't even squeeze her hand goodbye - alhough i know the that construction crew on top of the neighborsroof looked at us both a little funny as we did a not very shameful "walk of shame" (that is post, the day after). she dropped me off at home. i didn't even motion towards a hug or any touch... i should have gotten a clue of this outcome from her admission last wednesday, that she said that she thought of me as her big sister and that my mentee (a high school student here this summer) ks lucky to have me as a mentor. i cringed. seriously, is that the problem right there? if i am nurturing, thoughtful, helpful, considerate, cheerleader, advice-giver, good listener, and quicker-picker-upper-of my friends moods and self-esteem: does that position me only and always into THE SEXLESS POSITION OF BIG SISTER?!?!?! i don't know whether i should be mad at her for not reading the signs and just reiterating - okay circling, cool it, i'm not interested. or myself for playing (As always) the considerate, respectful, non-slimey, non-sexually agressive femme - and never getting any intimate action. sex. no. a loving kiss. yes. coda: not even 30 minutes later, th_ calls me to say that i left my wallet AND my matchdotcom profile at her house. honestly, THAT wasn't intentionally. but if this were a movie, would the camera have split the screen to show me groggy eyed receiving her call, and she re-reading my plea to the world wide web: "attention: love me, consider me, why not me? and if she did think it ironic that i left this note of myself behind, did she review the evening and think a second more about me? when she came back to my place - gosh i felt so damn dumb for being so scattered brained - i thanked her profusely for the wallet and stuff - then loaned her the DVD... lord knows, the last thing i need to do is mope and compare this relationship to that in the movie. and renarrate the evening - and reread the lines... instead. i went to writing group. (and luck would have it, danthemanfromlastfriday) happened to be sitting in the cafe and watched us working the WHOLE time - he never responded to my email though. but i'm taking all these universal signs to mean: if you have to initiate and chase this hard, it's NOT fucking worth it. i'll save it for irvine. i'm SICK of chasing and persuading and campaigning for love or even the slightest desiring interest from other people. seriously i can't tell you how sick i am of putting myself out there and making myself vulnerable to rejection again and again. fuggettabout, sister. work on your dissertation. remember last night as an enchanting unordinary night. hey in the least bit i'm glad i spent the night out of my house in a romantic type situation. even if it was, in the end, like a teenage slumber party. ( still circling the prospect of love, with absolutely no prospects in sight (sigh) still trying/to love/me
MUSIC: movie, "slam"
READING: deleuze, "antioedipus"
FEELING:slammed
�
|
