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07.02.04 - 11:32 p.m.
social butteflies bloom is there such a thing as having too full a social calender, or socializing with friends too much? throughout this amazingly beautiful summer week (a toast to the best of june days), i've gone out every night of the week! i do check myself when i find myself complaining that i've got too many friends, because i still remember the darkest most awkward days of high school when i felt captive inside my parents' house and imprisoned by their paranoia that i'd come under the bad influence of friends of ill-repute. and unlike my m.i.a. brother who said "f*ck it!" and who decided that a future pain and humiliation of parental beating was worth the immediate pleasure of transgressive friends now, i took the opposite approach. "fine!" i said to my mother (who held no respect for boundaries, and wasn't above listening in on my phone calls or reading my letters to friends). "fine, if you don't like my friends, i won't have any friends." and i didn't. martyrdom doesn't have the same spiteful affect when such withdrawn behavior brings a satisfactory smile to one's mother's face. and now, i'm turned 180o to my brother's m.o. in fact, at this moment a voice mail message from my parents awaits me on my cellphone and i still haven't listened to it. instead, i've just been out all week, getting to know new people, hanging out with new circles of friends (6-8 at a time), and enjoying the summer freedom of indulging in such pleasures as gourmet cooking, inventing new cocktails, watching films (saw F 9/11, FINALLY!!!!!!), having coffee with 3 year old crushes that i can appreciate in hindsight no longer exist (yeah me for honesty checks). when i showed my DGS my box of candid everyday pictures of various friends at various celebrations having all kinds of fun, she did comment: "wow. you have a lot of friends". i had to agree, i do. they aren't associates, or acquaintainces, they are all truly people i chose to spend time with and share my laughter, oddball humor, and ironic wit - because they're cool damn it, and have something to offer me. thank goodness as well, i realized long before i saw the movie meangirls that i don't need to chase after the aura of supposed popularity, which used to motivate my crushes and befriending efforts when i was in college. and yes, by the way, i showed pictures of my life to my former DGS (the professor who admitted me to grad school), over a tasty lunch that i made for her and served at my house. the best moment of our exchange was when i said: "now, you can sit on MY couch!" since we both remember many tears shed on her couch when (a) the campus health center tried to evict me from school on a medical leave my first semester (b) when i lost yet another tooth (c) when i burst into hysterical sobs one summer when an office secretary commented to me that 'oh, looks like you gained weight.' i might add it was the first summer that i didn't put myself on a MUST TRANSFORM MYSELF, EXERCISE TIL MY KNEES GIVE OUT, AND LOSE 15 LBS - i'd jumped headfirst into this transformative practice for at least every summer since 7th grade. hey, here's a funny-sad memory i have: me running laps around my house, because my parents wouldn't let me go jogging even on our street much less the high school track) anyway, while i feel like i'm cheating, the only way to document this amazingly full week is to make another list. i'm barely caught up in my written journal much less here. but here goes. MONDAY fired my therapist! how sweet it felt to just tell her most firmly and definitively all the harmful toxic mistakes she made that screwed with our relationship - projection, counter-transference, gossiping about the 'secret' lives of people i know in the guise of protecting me from their secrets, her comparative judgements (oh that's not really a binge), her utter lack of structure and agenda. how pleasurable to tell her once and for all: "listen. while i know talk therapy might take years and is a process, i don't HAVE years left in this town. i plan to be outta here in a year. i need to make a plan, goals, objectives and STICK to them (rather than mention them fleetingly in an in one ear out the other way). also on monday, i attended a lecture by mconde and had the nerve to speak my mind - that the writer/academic completely left the influence of sharp class distinctions in the caribbean from her critique. i swear i make comments as a gift and an intervention. things need to be said, and i vow to let go of the elegance or eloquence with which i should say them in public. after i went up to her to clarify my point - she ordered me to see her during office ours the next day. shiznit! monday evening, i hosted a huge farhenheitparty - the cheesy theme - everyone bring hot stuff, wasabi, chili, fireballs, ginger, and everyone complied. i made beans and beef burritos and salad with groceries costing <$20!!!. i can not tell you how SATISFYING i felt to have 8 people sitting and laughing in a circle in my living room. my friends are my family here, and i wish i'd have taken pictures. since we couldn't get into the f911 movie (imagine a rural area of aging hippies and progressive liberals - where only ONE independent theatre with ONE screen devoted to this flick shows f911 within a ONE hundred mile radius). i felt empowered and part of this uncity to be part of those waiting in line for hours day after day to see this movie. even though we didn't get in, we watched an oscarwinning 70s (in the year of my birth! hah!) documentary on the vietnman war. then afterwards. TUESDAY went to another go-see with another susan therapist (damn there are so many susans in this town, it's hilarious). not so thrilled with her, but she did speak with incredible candor and common sense. i won't continue with her, but value pitching the story of my life in <15 minutes, then having a brand new person/random stranger give me their interpretation of what's up and what's to do about it. now that i think about it, the experience sounds much like an astrology reading or $5 palm reading (hmmm, maybe i'll do that for kicks this holiday weekend). tuesday afternoon, went to mconde's office hours. she was quite sweet, not defensive. and she praised me for speaking up and publicly challenging her. she "gets it" about caribbean upraising and this dogmatic indoctrination that children should respect elders no matter what. respect unquestioningly, fawningly, sycophantly, fill in the blanks (insert other awful memory of my caribbean mother sometimes whispering, sometimes screaming in multiple octaves: HUMILITY!!! HAVE HUMILITY!!! BE HUMBLE!!!) i must wonder then how i wound up in this profession where self-assertion is a must, and dethroning a lauded critic with a question that highlights the errors of their thinking. ugh. sigh. i'm getting better. but still. WEDNESDAY - went to a pizza party for the mentorship program i'm involvedin for summercollege students. met my mentee who's clearly brilliant but also bored. i regret purging the pizza right after she left (very old habit of mine. use food to fill in the time, or be social, even if i don't want it). JAS is a junior in high school, and kept telling me how nonchalent she was. how she doesn't need anything or no one. and i could tell she tried to scare me away by dropping stories about herself like: "i'm the 2nd of 9 children", "i'm the first in my family to go to college," i like to light fires, i guess i'm a pyro and somewhat of a freak", etc... i almost started looking at her arms to see if she had scars from cutting. so, what do you say to a student for whom you should be a role model, although you've done similar self-destructive behavior?" my first impulse was to share stories about myself in a 'one up man ship' manner. like "oh yeah?!?! well, my father's the oldest of 12. i'm the first to go to college etc..". as i write this i realize that i should learn from the mistakes my therapist made with me, and not repeat them with her. in the long run, my therapist's personal experience with bulimia in fact did not draw us closer, but built in friction and burdened me. she was so convinced about her definitions of what constituted bulimic behavior, that she just didn't listen closely or non-judgementally about my behaviors that i confessed to her. yes, there's a way that my ex-therapist could have shared her experiences in solidarity, but i think she wanted so much for me to like her and identify with her, that sharing her experiences felt like cheating... plus, i could sense her vulnerability and it got on my nerves... i found myself more concerned about her feelings and reactions to my comments, to the point that i didn't want to ever share of myself too deeply. note to self. do not divulge history of SI behavior to this 16yr old kid. we can forge a bond based on my enthusiasm for her future, not her (anticipated, but not promised) enthusiasm for my past. later wednesday night, accepted last-minute invitation to see f911 movie. so lucky that dan_ and anit_waited in line from 5PM to get us all tickets. in fact, my advisor hjs came as well. THURSDAY did laundry. made lunch spread. had DGS over my house for 2.5 hours. can't say that my shyness and inf. complex didn't kick in, but ultimately awesome idea. thursday afternoon, accepted another last-minute invitation to go to picnic with and_ and other summer institute ppl. instinctively i sat at table of black women and struck up a conversation. they turned out to be soooo damn cool (one's from south africa, the other from haiti), that we sat talking at this picnic bench for 3 hours!!!! FRIDAY kitchen faucet that's leaked for the past FIVE YEARS - finally broke - water everywhere - landlord came to fix it. i like what he installed, even though i think him pretty tasteless for telling us as he collected our rent checks - so see here's where your money's going. ugh, whatever. he installed the sink himself (godforbid he hire a plumber and pay professional expenses). friday afternoon - had lunch with an age old crush, whom i'm glad to say i can recognize as a flame long withered out. besides, he's so obviously still figuring out his own sexuality, and i just don't wish to see myself used by some guy to either prove that he's not gay. he's flirted with me for the past week (lots of 'will i see you later?' and 'so are you here for the summer'). i just don't think i'm attracted to him - and yet, as my friend ja__ likes to laugh at me - "okay circling. clearly you just want to get a piece of ass while you're conveniently on summer vacation." true, not true. i think i'm okay and detached enough to have a summer fling. but it's a hard truth to admit that i might just use someone else for sex or a warm body in bed...and to admit that i can tell from the start, there's no chance for a relationship, that in fact, i'm not interested. harder to admit though that i'd go for any piece of ass because the pickings are so very slim in this town. ugh. friday evening, just had the most amazing dinner party - spent most of the evening laughing, lying on my back on dan__ awesome hardwood floors. staring up at the ceiling and burtsbees mobile. with the exception of one person, all 6 people there were first years. and here i am - circling quimby age 5th year. the food was again amazing - geez, when's the last time i had lasagna! - and the drinks - an east african drink called dawa - meaning medicine in swahili - vodka, limes, honey - yummmmmmmmmmy - but of course knocked me out - i could say i used the opportunity to flirt a little with cor___ who's only 22 (damn!) but is just so fucking smart.savvy. and hell, she grew up in CT too! but again in sober moments of reflection i recognize that we're just better off being friends. and i don't dare want to acquire the reputation of ACTING as desperate as i FEEL. it's all fun and games to joke about rampant horniness but in this small town, promiscuity isn't possible without concommitment reputation. really awesome. so, it's only friday night on a beautiful july evening. i fear the other side of this holiday weekend, because that's when i start counting down the days til the end of summer. and i haven't written solid sentences on my diss in ages. but then again, th__ turned in her last paper on wednesday, and is psyched for a drink, dinner, and what? it's my choice. i don't have to seize every opportunity. and i really DO want to have a lasting lifetime friendship with her. but of all the "candidates" (how crazy is this that i'm journaling about flings as if i were 13 years old again - "s/he loves me, s/he loves me not" -- . truth be told, however, since i missed out on this flirtateous partying social butterfly stage as a teenager, i have a right to reenact my childhood (with blinders OFF), the second time around. right?
MUSIC: love the one your with
READING: danticat's farmingofbones
FEELING:afterglow of candelight dinners with good friends
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