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06.27.04 - 7:40 p.m.
Fifteen Steps to Combatting Impending Depressive Blues, which Tend to Descend on the Eve of Every Weekend. (Not in any particular order besides chronology. Also, must give credit to the ppl who jumpstarted this chain of events to help me arise above doldrams: thanks to recent guestbook and notebook comments from eventhewind and linguikat . See what your kindness started!) 1. Sign another diaryland journal's guestbook or notes. 2. Send emails of encouragement -- in the form of valuable words of wisdom that my own DGS once sent to me - fellow graduate students under the crunch of submitting overdue seminar papers, due by June 30. 3. Send an email to that DGS, thanking her for those valuable words and telling her all the positive growth that became of following her advice. Then, invite her to lunch at your house (!) later in the week, and appreciate that she knows this invitation is a huge step - given that she comforted you during 1999 hospitalization. 4. Attend the CD Release party of a friend's friend's girlfriend, whom you never met, because you realize your friends are trying to help you expand your social circle. Have the courage to walk into a room of people you've never met. Accept welcome into the L word, I-town style. Ignore your impulses to leave within the first hour (9:30PM), and instead stay until the lounge closes at 1 AM, and chat with the friends who invited you. Be thankful that inviting friend actually has much much much in common with you, starting with a fundamentalist Christian upbringing, ending to a therapist in common (unbeknownst to both of us). Thank the goddess and her lucky stars that this friend already fired this therapist when the therapist suggested that she call off her wedding [ahem, i attended their happy wedding reception last weekend and had a blast. dimwit therapist!]. consider the news a sign, and strengthen your resolve to fire this projecting (and thus dangerous) therapist tomorrow Monday at 1PM. Feel emboldened by your vow to fire toxic, careless therapist. Remember, you've found someone better. trust your instincts. Move ON!!! (I will I will) 4. Respond to IM hello from an estranged friend with gentleness, optimism, and honesty, even if you don't know what the hell to say. Promise to speak again, even if you don't know what to say in that next conversation, too. 5. Make a CD mix of music (titled "Move On") to a friend who just broke up with her girlfriend of 2 years. 6. Insist that broken-up studious friend come over to dinner like she said, instead of isolating and staying at home moping about recent break up. Give her CD in person. Cook a mean spicy cajun catfish dinner and open a bottle of white wine. Vent some more about ex-girlfriends, and ponder where do we go from here. Laugh your ass off again and again over silly jokes about living in this uncity, and christen your street with silly nicknames like "Le Petit Ghetto." 7. Allow your friend to take you to treat you to your first ice cream cone from the neighborhood ice cream place (another first in your 5 years of living blocks from this place). Do regret purging some of that cone when your friend wasn't looking. But vow, for the love of friendship and future guiltess meals with companions who love you to cut the crap and just swallow the damn calories. they would not have killed you. 8. Go to a local dive bar (aka the chanti) that you'd walked by 1000 times in all your five years in this uncity, dismissing its clientele as lame, underage, locals and presumed you'd never have a good time there. Again resist the urge to leave within the first 30 minutes, and again chill out and enjoy yourself meeting new friends and flirting a lil' more with th__. Insert a compliment that her zipper front black halter dress outfit makes her look hot, not just cute. (Inwardly, appreciate her blush.) 9. Accept th__'s invitation to go grocery shopping on the next Sunday morning. And believe that she'll keep her offer the next morning and call you to pick you up. She did. (smile) Enjoy this date which isn't really a date, but a no stakes chance to check out if we enjoy each other's company doing everyday things, and if we're compatable for lowkey intimate companionship. As you stroll down the aisles together, divulge some of your eccentric rituals and weird habits about foodshopping. Together, smell mango nectarines and squeeze japanese kewi doll mayonaise. Also, take pleasure in lashing out unwanted low carb branding on all your favorite foods that you've been eating over decades because they were good for you, before the rest of America decided their worthiness dependend on some obscure net carb calculation. 10. Attend a dog shower to celebrate the new adoption of a stray shiz tzu abandoned in New Jersey. Even though you think it's the dumbest idea ever, allow your feelings to change once you meet the underweight puppy with premature grey hair. Give him lots of love, hugs, kisses, pictures, and his potential new name (Bender). Enjoy the sangria, scones, dog-shapped gram cracker cookies at the luncheon. 11. Introduce yourself to famous author/scholar (m. conde) sitting outside at a cafe, who happens to be in your uncity for a summer theory insitute. Even if author is conversing in french with a well-known professor (who rejected your request 4 years ago, that she direct your dissertation), be brave and non chalant, and go ahead -- interrupt them. Kick yourself for dropping out of FR102 last fall, instead of becoming fluent in time for this important encounter. Even if you can't think of anything more provocative to say than, "Hello, Welcome to [this uncity]," seize the opportunity to meet her outside of the usual academic scene at her lecture tomorrow...doesn't matter if she's engrossed in what looks like important conversation, interrupt politely and say hello. 12. Return home to your house alone and choose to be okay about this transition. Finish the book you started but abandoned during winter break 2003 (t. morrison's love) then, begin reading the book again. 13. Organize a Farhenheit-themed party (bring salsa and chips, hot wasabi peas, pepperjack cheese, fireballs, and drinks to cool down) and host a viewing of a documentary on the Vietnam war before the party ...and then all go out to the 9.11 film Monday, evening. As you walk home alone from the dog shower, marvel at the long diverse line (racially, socially, age, class, town and gown mix) of ppl, waiting to buy tickets for moore's movie, at the one independent theatre in town. Admit knowingly with a smile to yourself that 'okay, sometimes i really do love living in this uncity. 14. Decide you are courageous enough to turn on your computer again, and at least begin working on your own dissertation in a focused manner. You are. 15.Finally, smile inwardly on a job well done (points for major coping skills to stay present and alone in even if your housemate's away for the weekend.) Cease initial purging escapade, decrying "enough of this shit!" on Friday evening (the first night she's gone). And embark on step one, which brought you to this settled nirvana of peace with yourself on a Sunday evening.
MUSIC: India. Arie's "Get it Together"
READING: Finished, Morisson's Love
FEELING:satisfied and proud
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