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06.25.04 - 12:35 a.m.
false start, new start, 3-0.5 i turned 30 1/2 today, surprise surprise. only when i checked out a book on the U.S. Constitution (1778, that one)today (a wild new 'hunch' of an angle for my dissertation chapter), and the circulation desk person stamped the book and said to return it in 6 months, on january 24th, did the specialness of today hit me. a couple omens did happen today - (1.) i finally met with the woman i'd like to call my new therapist. this meeting followed yesterday's botched meeting on wednesday morning, when she failed to show up to our first appointment. i hadn't slept much the night before, and was totally useless up until the time of. (2.) i hosted my THIRD small dinner party this week, and clocked in my THIRD movie tonight, woodyallen's annie_hall which i saw outside under the stars, sitting next to the woman i'd had (i use the past tense emphatically) a crush on all semester, but who said she was too busy to consider... now now, don't blame me for arranging the seats so that we'd end up sitting right next to each other...ugh intimacy, propriety, and self-restraint... to the right of us kar_ and jer_ were snuggling, and kar_ rested her head against his shoulder, and i swear to god i avoided any and all eye contact with th__, because the moment was too perfect not to lean closer into each others arms, and i pride myself on hearing when no is no, and sublimating sublimating sublimating instead. since she's the one who said no to me back in march, i was completely on my best behavior -- no touching, no leaning against each other, no sexual innuendo, nothing (of course, i'm wondering, can't you see how perfect it would be, 'com'on why not me', 'c'mon why not give us a try' (sigh) , but instead i kept my eyes peeled straight ahead on the movie, and actually, unconcsciously found myself just stroking my own chest (i was wearing a sexy red low cut v-necked halter top) and again, ugh stroking alone need not be so pathetic when you're with the one you.... although, th__ did brush against my shoulder, and touch my arms on two or three separate occasions (conscious or unconscious flirtation? can't tell, drives me nuts!), and i played the 'heroine' rescuing her twix bar when we had a chocolate craving together, and i hit up the vending machine that refused to cough up the one she'd paid for. and again, how very fun to enjoy delicious snacks with friends who don't obsess about calories, and hence help me to remember that calories are by definition HEAT and not FAT! i know she's tired and exhausted from one hell of a long semester. [god, she's such a generous person after my own heart. recently, i discovered that she substitute taught caet__'s class, in addition to her own, during the month when caet__'s mother died of cancer. she didn't get paid any extra money, and didn't demand any outside praise for her help. wonderful, thoughtful, selfless people give me more!] she i know what it's like to have devoted my all and everything to my schoolwork day in day out, until i think about nothing else and besides basic hygenine of daily showers, forget to even think i have a body. gosh, she was so cute when i told her that i'd seen the copy of her MFA thesis of poems in ang_'s hands; however, i had not dared to read her work, since she hadn't given her poetry directly to me. her reaction: laughter, then assurance that "oh my goodness, circling. whatever. it's not a big deal wouldn't have minded if you read my poems and in fact i'd like for you to have a copy of my thesis, i want to know what you think of my work." yes, i know all writers' attitudes towards their work vary, but i cannot tell you how REFRESHING it feels to be with a writer who's not attached to her writing like polygrip (which is to say, that i don't have to pull teeth to take a peek at her creative work). the_ doesn't fear my judgement or opinion, and in fact, swapping papers and reading each others work is what's created this energy that i so want to pursue to see what else it could be. she respects my opinion - in fact she'd invites my criticism. but, you know, even though grad school trains students to "slash and burn" each other's writing, and look for the whole in the argument, i get such a high off of approaching my friends writing with as a gift, and hence get sheer delight from holding in my hand more than just a piece of them - i think my friend's writing represents their personage in a different form. seriously, i love nothing more than to carry a paper my friend has written in my backpack - maybe it's not as fuzzy as a teddy bear, but such writing feels like a memento, transmorphographied souvenir of them. and i treat it delicately as glass, but dogear the pages with love. better than a favorite pair of well-worn jeans, has got to be a well-turned essay... okay, coming back to earth. and the new therapist. yesterday's missed appointment sucked the Big One, because i just loved her waiting area - full of sunlight and plants - and i just knew that i'd feel like coming home when i went to future appointments, a feeling that i haven't had since i left PaMC - i waited for 30 minutes (conveniently forgot my cellphone so i couldn't call her numbers and bail myself out of uncertainty). knowingly or not, i used every last one of my coping skills to get through the disappointment - i even knocked on the door of the other therapist, since i'd heard voices coming from that room, and it was entirely possible that susan (the new T) had double booked the appt. i figured that other people and the mailman, in times past, had knocked on the door during my sessions with PaMC, and i'd never died from their interruptions. and so, i had a right to knock on the other therapists door, and i did... i needed to know if she was there or not. and i knew my needs weren't too much, weren't going to traumatize the patient i'd interrupted or the therapist em_, who thank the lord does EMDR. BTW, susan she let me do as many as 6-7 sessions with emily if i needed to. got to love a therapist who doesn't have jealousy/inadequacy issues so, after 30minutes, i wrote up a note to susan saying i'd be been there, and listed all the possible reasions that she was a no-show. most important of all, throughout the whole ordeal, i never once thought * I * was to blame. i'd done everthing right for a change beforehand, and I knew it. and so i left - yesterday, and came home and wept for the first time in ages about missing PaMC. i've never felt safe with my current therapist,s never felt like her safety net was strong enough to catch and support me when i'm falling. this therapist didn't insert her feelings into our conversations, and her references more often than not made me think worse of others, not help. (like the awful time she told me that it's common knowledge that one of my profs had been sexually molested as a child. well, certainly not common knowledge to me!) and what a way to derail me from my own thoughts with her unnecessary gossip, as well as add an additional burden of worry on me that shadow me whenever i speak to this prof on the topic of child molestation. yesterday, continuing with my 'high-on-life' wave - i wore red today for starters. i felt confident - in that 'catch me if you can' okay i'm phaiding, i'll finish this tomorrow... point is, i survived. and one of the first things said to me after hearing me speak at length about what i want from a therapist was this:
"circling, your honesty is so REFRESHING.." and "you sound like you don't need therapy at all, you did such a good job of handling yesterday's debacle." and for once, i didn't rebel or resent her comment, that she can foresee a day when i won't have to see a therapist at all. that she sees right off the bat, that i'm moving forward, and progressing, and that i believe in my future. and she said that she didn't feel as if my desire to be ambitious and apply for a guggenheim or a mccarthur fellowship, or set the bar however high, was a pathological perfectionism. "were you crushed after you didn't get the ford f*ll*wsh*p she asked me". i said, well only for about a month, but again, i made a huge list of all the reasons why i didn't get it that had nothing to do with me [in an awful economy, not-profit organizations have to cut down on awarding scholarships; and while i believe my project is worth funding more than ever, i am at a private university with tons of funding sources, and i'm sure that a grad student at a public university could benefit more from this fellowship. i can always find other $$ sources at CU.
and susan, just BEAMED at me... yes, a therapist who believes in me. yes, a therapist who can does not wish to cultivate dependency, who can foresee - despite my stupid e.d. history, past hospitalizations, suicidal ideation, fucked up depressive bouts, that i circling can still soar. i haven't fucked up the future. i can have hope. and she's ready to soar with me - and ready to jump into my future with two feat.
okay - must sleep now - will spell check later - meanwhile, i can rest knowing that i'm onto something bigger r and brighter. like: yesterday i invited my professor SILLE to my house for a home-made dinner, and he loved it!!! i've entered a whole new stage of socializing in the academy. xoxo circling
MUSIC: movie, "annie hall"
READING: the constitution (yikes!)
FEELING:hopeful ?
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