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06.22.04 - 11:34 p.m.
no fly-by-night-companion a wise professor once told me (summer 2002, i believe): "circling, you can learn just as much, if not more, from spending time on your own writing, than attending a lecture of a professor." today, i passed that wisdom on as i stood firm (okay, wobbly and a tad doubtful, but firm) and did some freewriting on my diss from 4PM-6PM. this summer 4PM-6PM is prime lecture time (PLT), when professors at my universities summer theory institute deliver their purportedly cutting-edge lectures. as i embark on my 5th summer (egads!) on campus, seeing headlining theorists come and go (e.g, butler 4x, and spivak 2x), i've not only come to my senses but abided by my intution that wise professor is right. i'd like to think my choice today, to 'boycott' today's lecture, and sit with my thoughts, represents hard-n-fast evidence that i do believe in my own (potential) brilliance. more importantly, alone time with me signifies that i'm getting over my compulsion to believe that knowledge, truth, The Answer, lies always Over There...Somewhere Else, Some plcae Beyond me, and that someone Smarter, Older, More Experienced, More Senior than me possesses the solutions to my writer's block or thinking impasses. that's true fewer times than most. and as i resisted the urge to bolt at 3:50PM towards the Academic Scene, I felt a lonely and left out for a while. Through the glass window of the library cafe, I saw streams of others I admire making their way to the Scene, and I had to quell my anxious fear that I was being left out. I chose not to attend, because know I CAN do Better (Just saw The Stepford Wives remake last night, filmed around my home of origin). I'm not a robot, I know what "perfection" might look like (as in today, performing the certain role of the pre-professionalizing graduate student, and going where i 'ought' to be because the topic related to my research interests, and because, well everyone else was doing it). it's far more complicated though than prioritizing my research interests first. i'm reliving memories of last year at this time when i first laid eyes on PH, the asshole who flirted persistently, until finally, I took the bait and flirted back. and went to his home for dinner. and to a raucously fun 4th of july party. and returned his dinner with a picnic. and invited him to my place. and, instead of making it to first base in what i thought amounted to the beginnings of a relationship, PH bitchslapped me in a sense, snarking, 'why didn't you tell me you were a lesbian?', when i'd asked in utter surprise "why didn't you tell me you had a steady girlfriend back in nyc?" apples and oranges my friend -- monogamy in relationships is not the same terrain as sexual preference for two genders, not one. although i lamely made a comeback, when i retorted that i was in fact bi, not a lesbian, and why the f*ck does it matter anyway, if you're so politically correct and down with sexual oppression along with racial oppression. honest to god, it took me until october (3 months later) to get over the shock - intense open and slammed shut venture - into believing that i might just have found an attractive man to start a meaningful, thoughtful, intelligent relationship complete with the bona fide sexual chemistry to begin with. not meant to be though... all of a sudden i feel so raw again, as if PH were back in town, still living at the sublet I used to walk by each day hoping he'd be reading on his porch so I could pop in, he could make me a mojito or pour me a wine glass, and we could ruminate with sass and clever irony about the latest in our respective disciplines, or on cultural and worldly events that made us go hmmmmm. well theory camp 2004 began today, and a deja vu of sorts has recurred. this time DS, a fellow ptn alum ('99!) who visited the uncity as a prospective in 2001 but rejected our program for hpkns has returned to the uncity for the summer. briefly, when he came to visit collectively the single women were all energized with desire for this cute boy poet from detroit. he danced at the party we through, and even then, i felt an intense attraction. but well f*ck, he didn't chose us. so WTF when he shows up at to__'s party saturday night and stays until we leave until 3AM. WTF with laughing at my jokes, inserting sexual innuendo, and brushing his skin against mine, even when we were turned away from each other in separate conversations. and WTF to infinity w/ his parting words...as he walked w/ ND and HME and i back home. of course, i gave ND a sloppy hug goodbye, reminded him that i'm so glad he's back safely after a month away, and reminded him that i loved him so much (i really really do, he's the twin brother i never had). of course, i gave HME a huge hug goodbye and told her i'm glad she's back after her 2 weeks away in germany, france, and LV because she's become such a close friend, and person i've depended on what shit was rough in oct.2003. and well, while i was at it, i stole a quick hug goodbye, and said to DS i'm glad you came, to which he replied: "i don't know you yet, but i could learn to love you" i am flattered. i am floored. i'm always floored when someone i've found attractive actually reciprocates and finds me desirable as well. my heart tells me not to chase him. not to even look. he's younger, for one thing (27 yrs old). he started ptn the year after i graduated. he's caucasian for another (although as a detroit native, i'll credit him with being on top of his motown/urban hip-hop genre). i will not be moved, however, because the prettier and more attractive these men are, the harder i fall when they bounce after 6 weeks. i guess, i can just resolve not to give him a bitter cold shoulder. just ignore him. and besides, my forays into online dating have turned up a 34 yr old writer in a 'burb of toronto, whose profile is everything i'd want to be intimate with in a woman. and funny enough, we even used some of the same language and referred to the same writers. she's interested enough to return my winking interest. WTF do i want with a younger lover. (sex) of course. god it'd be nice this time to flirt and conquer with as disconnected and distant a strategy as PH did last year. but femme fatale's not me. and i've got a dissertation to devote all my spare concentration. theory camp lasts 6 weeks; my dissertation lasts forever. for the first time in a while, i'm afraid that my yearnings might get me into trouble. i dont need trouble right now. not even drama. use a vibrator, put a lid on your id, circling. and leave DS alone. leave me alone with my writing, my better home companion than any fly-by-night playboy could ever be for me this summer. deal? deal.
MUSIC: movie, "lost in translation"
READING: the trash in my room that i need to throw out!
FEELING:more solid in my commitments to myself
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