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03.31.04 - 11:34 p.m.
too much for words, i do believe i'm feeling too much for words right now, so i'll let this message hold my place in diaryland world for a day or two. nothing's wrong. in fact, everything's right...it hit me today, that one year ago this week, i was in berkeley, california...i'd given my first big time national conference talk...something clicked during that journey when i realized that i mattered, that my voice and words matter...and i began to lean on my decision to live and keep mattering...lean, and ride that momentum til the next event, and the next event... and each test, each fearful meeting with a strange person, each unfamiliar situation i walked in on, each time i introduced myself, and began a whole new network, another circle of community...each time, it became easier and easier to believe the evidence around me that said "circling, you fit in. you fit in just fine"... or even the harder thing to believe "listen to me," "i have something so damn important i have to say it," and too boot, i don't even care if you won't listen -its your loss, i'm going to say it anyway." last week, a usc professor whom i admire tremendously, told me my work was inspired, i was gifted, i have a tremendous talent to contribute to my field. yesterday, a columbia professor whom i've known from afar for 5 years now came up to give a visiting lecture...i just had to respond to her work - without a thought, i shot her an email. she responded immediately: "so, when's the last time you heard 'you're brilliant'? well, add me to that chorus.' and my first inclination was to forward part of that message to my buddy n. (i did) and like i do most encouraging emails, i put it in my inspiration-keep-going-circling folder that i carry everywhere. call it my superstitious clove of garlic that i have in my bag always as a defense, a shield, and an immediate anti-dote to give myself when negativity strikes my way. the whole week has been successful, glowing, reaping and mirroring of praise, reward, recognition for the person i've become. in fact, i had my first full dissertation committee meeting in a year and it was like an all-out cheerleader pep rally - with me - the player, on her home court - soaking it in. and feeling stunned. i'm not about to now whine about my inability to accept that increasingly frequent compliment: "you're brilliant." that's not the problem, in fact there's no problem. i'm not stunned with disbelief. in fact, what i want to say i'm stunned with is that about this time last year, i carried a collection of reflections and affirmations from the nourish website. Go directly to nourish ]
the line that stuck with me, that i worked hard to ingrain in my head was the entry called "worth"... and the final line: "believe in your own brilliance." you see, i'm stunned today because i realize that i do. i truly do believe. i believe in a brilliance i call mine, that no one can take for me. i believe in a brilliance that does NOT shine brighter, just because i have a lover awaiting me in my bed, or a dissertation advisor praising my actions, or even community people thanking me for the hard work i put into the racial-conflict debacle at the local high school. in fact i heard today, that my idea that students should write down their ideas about what THEY think should be done to manage diversity in this uncity, whose county has 1 highschool to accommodate 1600 students... my idea that every student should have a chance to voluntarily write their ideas and submit them in a suggestion box; my idea that all these knowing adults should stop speaking on behalf of teengagers, and let them speak for themselves - the result of my idea- IHS tallied 513 responses. brilliant. my idea. and yet, i am the same person today as every other day...meaning, nothing has been stamped on my forhead this week saying: "congratulations, circling. you've become acceptable just the way you are" ... i'm still me. brilliance in being me. everything is going right. that's not the problem. how does everything going right supposed to feel?, and even if i look the situation squarely in the eye, about to take the hell off in a stratosphere of acclaim. acclaim for just being me. embraceable and embracing me, then what? then...what? even the one area of trepidation that generated so much self-loating and inadequacy - teaching - has turned around. my class laughed close to hysterically at my jokes tonight, that we didn't even notice that we talked 15 full minutes after section had ended at 9:30PM, and the kicker: one student who stayed after said to me,in part to explain that the dean of her college was pushing her to take a leave for the semester due to an illnes she'd been diagonesed with - and without blabbing my story about almost getted booted out, i sighed cynically at their admin recommendations, then said, i'll help you do anything to stay in school to finish the semester cuz "they don't get it"... yes, sometimes brilliant people have struggles sometimes. yet, we survive. she thanked me for understanding. she then paid me the highest compliment unknowingly: "i LIKE coming to sections, even though it makes my condition even harder sometimes". i can't ask for much more from life. my mom's glad she accepted my plane ticket gift. she's still in florida meeting up with relatives she hasn't seen in almost 30 years, and her old retired co-workers. my brother's applying to b-school, and actually asked for my help on applications, which he as too angry and resentful to way back when he applied to college. everything's going right. i believe with 90% of my being and rising, that i WILL earn a dissertation award next month to grant me freedom to write next year. brilliance burning. not a problem. no. not at all
MUSIC: macy grey, sexual revolution (it's a booyutiful thang)
READING: my own thoughts
FEELING:brilliance
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