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04.06.04 - 9:14 p.m.
"wishful thinking" [grrr, i'm so pissed off that i vaporized my entry, looking for the lyrics to this song, 'Something's Coming.'] i don't have time to rewrite it. For the moment, just know that i'm sitting on my hands, checking my email by the minute, waiting waiting waiting for the phone to ring, the mailman to come, ANY confirmation - good - bad - or waitlisted - to let me know if i received either of the dissertation fellowship awards i applied for last november and december. ughghghghgh! with a payhike that would still bring me to < $20,000.00 a year after taxes, i could maybe fix my car so it could run somewhere, or better yet, buy a cheap plane ticket to fly to england and visit my dearest friend m.... anything to get out of this uncity and its socially-narrow, 'lefter than thou,' environmentally righteous, intellectually incestuous, therapy reduxed, SUV + Volvo-ridden world and breathe an air of sane reality outside this insular village of ppl who've just been here too damn long! i don't hate it here at the moment as much as i recognize that SO much more exists elsewhere.... and i fear that we're so isolated from the electric circuit of new ideas outside of this place...we're too damn comfortable sitting on our armchairs for hours, drinking wine, snacking on organic grapes, smearing freshly ground peanut butter on stonewheat crackers (appetizers ordered from the same bakery over and over again)... i'm sick of the routine. it's so stale. yesterday i sat through what should have been an exciting colloquium "sexuality, identity, knowledge" that brought together 40+ bright attentive audience members. instead, we rehashed the same questions that have been recycled since sedgwick's bw 15 years ago. i snuck out of there to attend a visual culture talk by an african american woman, who like edwidge danticat, has gotten more press and publicity because of her looks than the substance of her stories... [n.b., i've yet to read the dew breaker danticat's latest, but i'll swear to you up and down, when danticat at barely age 23 has her FIRST book chosen as oprah winfrey's book of the month club...and celebrated more - as i would argue for what she represents than the quality of the books she writes, ugh there's a problem - and i am a black woman and am so not 'playa-hating'. inwardly, i both loath and crave the same "venus" glamour treatment for myself (that is, for female academics often times looks alone opens the door before your academic brain can get its foot in and keep that door open). the loathing comes from the fact that i'm convinced i'll never be get a 'break' that way, which isn't really a break and i know i don't want to work at a department where my breasts and fashion sense draw other people's attention. this woman who's a visiting professor, and who at about 5'10'' and incredible dress, stature (posture, presence) etc... has attracted "buzz"... and i go and watch her present what amounts to a slide show strung together, with no compelling idea or argument. and a part of me bitterly believes that women like HER are the ones who win fellowships and grab national attention. photogenicism works, does it not. no, none of my applications required me to submit a photo. and i'm preparing myself to believe that even if the answer is a resounding NO all the way around, that they're the one's who can't recognize a great idea when they see one. i'm no less intelligent, and my project no less worthy of reward, even if these two wealthy foundations don't decide to deliver the goods to me. dear universe, i don't know what it takes to make good fortune come my way... i want to believe something's in the air that says its about time though that fortune arrives... please please help me to stay sane (as in, not to self sabotage this week, to binge and purge unnecessarily, to abandon the every day tasks that i MUST complete regardless of the fellowship outcome: ** GRADE 5-7 papers a day!; ** write 1/2 page on one original dissertation source a day; ** read 20 pages of dissertation-related articles a day. please please please please. "i got a feeling there's a miracle due, gonna come true, coming to me, circling free." i wish i may i will i write come true for me.
Something's Coming, from West Side Story Who knows? There's something due any day; I will know right away, Soon as it shows. It may come cannonballing down through the sky, Gleam in its eye, Bright as a rose! Who knows? It's only just out of reach, Down the block, on a beach, Under a tree. I got a feeling there's a miracle due, Gonna come true, Coming to me! Could it be? Yes, it could. Something's coming, something good, If I can wait! Something's coming, I don't know what it is, But it is Gonna be great! .... Around the corner, Or whistling down the river, Come on, deliver To me! Will it be? Yes, it will. Maybe just by holding still, It'll be there! ... The air is humming, And something great is coming! Who knows? It's only just out of reach, Down the block, on a beach, Maybe tonight...
MUSIC: West Side Story Soundtrack
READING: The New Yorker
FEELING:cautious
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