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03.28.04 - 10:34 p.m.
"how sweet it is to feel on top of my game" last wednesday, march 24th was one of the happiest days in such a long time. in one day, i received notification of my acceptance into a very competitive summer program. i later received the most encouraging response to my conference paper from a professor who said among other things "my ideas are powerfully inspired" and "i have enormous gifts"; even more impressive, he offered to read and comment on the expanded version of my essay as I develop it into a dissertation chapter. How rare for a professor to ASK to read a grad students work, and be so forthcoming with encouragement and praise! and the bestest news of all, I received notification that an essay that I submitted to an anthology has been accepted for publication!!!! granted, i have beaucoup amounts of revisions to make on the piece, but i've never been so damn close to having my work in print. hurray, hurray, hurray for an all-out acceptance day! wednesday evening after much thought, i rung up t. and confessed my interest in her. even though i thought all this time she'd given me unconconscious signals that she was on the same page in terms of interest, she sounded surprised and still pleased but hesitant. she asked for time to think about my uhm '(in)decent proposal'. tonight, we had a chat on the phone and she said that she's flattered and honored, but just not in a place emotionally to entertain the idea of a relationship. and i'm not at all crushed or devasted. after all, i tried something new - in terms of admitting to an infatuation or enamourment, and then letting the other person process the idea on their own and let me know. in retrospect, i'm glad that we didn't meet in person to process process process all that my suggestion would mean. i'm glad that i didn't write her an email or send her a letter letting her know my feelings. instead, in my phone call i said, "t. i really really like you, and i don't know what that means, but i thought i'd be upfront about these feelings. you don't have to change anything about your life, and i won't insert weird flirtateous awkward sexual innuendos into our friendship, regardless of whether or not you reciprocate. i just wanted to put the feelings out on the table." period. no one got hurt, and i do think we've both walked away with increased admiration and awareness of each other - not just at the level of personality, but also at the level of the body. yes, it was neat to be able to say, i think you're beautiful, your hair your body the whole package. and she said something similarly complimentary. maybe that's part of the erotic tension i needed to release. so often my circle of friends gabs and gabs about how smart or intellectually sharp we are - paying all this attention to our beautiful brains, without acknowledging the body package that comes with it. anyway, i've been so distracted with an unexpected turn of events that snapped me into the role of community activist, a role i haven't inhabitated in a while since i'd been so burnt out from my work at the local rape crisis center. it's incredible with activist work how one "organizational meeting" blossoms into four meetings...and the urgency of the event - in this case an eruption of racial tensions at the local high school - creates this demand to be on standby for the next strategy, agenda, list of demands, debriefing, re-strategy meeting...it's enough to string one out unless, as i've come to learn and accept - i have limits. i can ask "so, what meeting do you really really need me to attend?" and "how can i be most valueable, and at what point?". i'm glad i participated, even though i'm not a parent or a native long-time resident in this town. we decided to show up at the high school at 8AM the next morning, and demand that the principal acknowledge that recent fighting, collective organizing of students in response - 100 students showed up in camaflouge to school - and in this day and age, given the presence of the national guard in militia outfits at nyc airports and train stations, that show of solidarity for white supremacist intimidation sends a SCARY message to all students and faculty, regardless of race. post columbine high school, how could a school adminstration demonstrate such willful denial and neglect to social tensions that are visibly escalating in their extremity and scope? i haven't walked down the halls of a public high school for a long time, so i learned much from putting myself back into the labrynth of long halls, hallway security monitors, mandatory passes to even go to the bathroom, etc... in other words, i'd forgotten how containing and imprisoning and restrictive and controlling the high school environment might be. no wonder pushing, shoving, and other fights have been breaking out in the hallways...so much anger and no space and structure to channel it... i did my part in terms of circulating informative emails about what was happening at the high school among university networks. it silly not to use volunteers from the university which has money to train people to facilitate this discussion, and send those volunteers to help out at the high school. i did my part, and now i know when to say enough. i have to have compassion for my own work, my huge dissertation committee meeting tomorrow, the start up of my classes again after spring break is winding down to an end. the days are longer, the weather is more often partly sunny than partly cloudy, i know good things are ahead for me. what i wish to remember above all about my spectacular acceptance day last wednesday is the thrilling shock of the moment of reading the email that began, "Dear Circling, We are happen to inform you that you've been accepted into the inaugural session of....". I was in the library, and so I couldn't scream. I raised both my arms in victory and mouthed a scream of gleeful excitement. I then printed out the confirmation letter, and went to find my buddy z. in the library cafe. And as I gave her the acceptance letter to read, I just started to cry - this feeling of tiredness swept over me, even as the adrenaline of excitement pumped through me. All I could say to her "Z. I work so hard, I just work so hard and I can't believe that some recognition has finally come from that all hard work." Like a good friend, Z told me to go home from the library and celebrate. I took her cue and left, but first I left another tearful message of ecstasy on my dissertation advisor's answering machine. It's true. It's true. Hard work does pay off. Good things happen to Good people. I didn't need to pull a single string for any of the three acceptances that converged on me in one super-amazing March 24 day (which by the way, the day I turned 30.25 years old!) I'm on top of my game in the first time in years. And I can't tell you how very very sweet it feels. Believe me, I feel great :-)
MUSIC: The Best of Nina Simone
READING: Foucault, History of Sexuality Vol. 1
FEELING:on top of my game & peaceful acceptance
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