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03.24.04 - 12:59 a.m.
dreamsycicle two entries, one night. dreamsycicle's the name of the martini i had after going out to a movie with t. tonight. the evening had all the makings of a date, and from the vibes i've gotten from her in the past, i'd sort of prepared myself for a revelation on some part - either hers or mine - that this was a date and some discussion then about 'what are we' if there's even a 'we' to speak of... there's not...but i'm left wondering if i'd dashed that possibility by talking about my last relationship and talking in the vaguest terms about the addiction at its core. and wondering why i said anything at all. over the years i've divulged my 'secret': issues around food (to speak euphemastically) or raging bulimia (to speak honestly). the fact that currently, i've got 5 spaces in my smile where there were once teeth, and what passes like a gap between my two front teeth but is really 1/2 a shell of one front tooth left, sort of divulge my truth for me. one look at my teeth and one either concludes that i had no dental care growing up as a child or that they've rotted out of my mouth - and they have due to purging for almost 2 decades when i was clueless and careless about the most basic need to brush my teeth and take calcium tablets religiously to combat the ill effects of throwing up compulsively after i ate anything - no matter how "healthy" "low calorie" or "non-fatty" the item was. that's what's harder it seems and the shame i've overcome - i got "high" off of the after-affects of purging (i could explain that i never experienced nauseau) but that's beside the point. sure, i purged for fear of gaining weight, but purged more often for the carthasis of purging, fully in denial that jitteriness, short-term memory loss, and fatigue were side effects that i couldn't just forget about or dismiss. when i was most sick i'd divulge to find company, to find out if other women did as i did... other times, i'd divulged to get help, and i have... sometimes i've divulged my struggles to scare people away...or at least test them...because if they can't handle the honesty of an eating disorder and the "secret" life that goes with recoverying from one - inpatient hospital disappearances, or anonymous twelve-step meetings, or at its worst, an average of 3-4 treatment team appointments a week (theRAPist, nutritionist, group therapy, psy-chi, medical doctor) - then i can't get involved with you - you don't get it, or can't withstand the army of other people i spend my time with when i'm not with you. sometimes i divulge in order to tear down the image that i've got my shit together or that my life's perfect...both statements are FAR from the truth...and i'm pretty open with anyone i'm close with...i try to be moderate too in how much i reveal about what a 'shit not-together' lifestyle means... i don't mention depression or how paralyzing it can be, unless i sense they've been through the same or know someone who has; and i certainly don't mention suicidal ideation since that instance of opening about to two friends about these thoughts led to their "intervention", and my being "shipped off" one of the worst psychiatric hospitals in lower ny. not cool. libido revelation was in the air, in so far as, t. and i went to see this movie "the station agent" and turned out that another grad student was sitting alone at the movie theatre... this grad student is really sweet and kind and my parents met him during their visit here once, and they joke about me marrying him one day...and its true, i've avoid his crush and confronting his feelings for 4 years now...and i've turned down enough movie invitations on his part so that i think we've got an understanding that i'm not interested. so "crushed" grad student happen to sit in the ideal plumb center seats where i wanted to sit, and i didn't want to be rude and purposely avoid him. so i found myself sitting between him and t. to watch this movie whose themes included unrequited love, crushes, and self-loathing... i felt uncomfortable that "crushed" moved into the seat separating us, and allowed his left arm and leg to brush against me....and i discretely moved them away, while trying to lean towards MY left and brush against t.'s body...or at least open myself to the possibility, if she wished to move my way...but she didn't. the movie's protagonist is a dwarf named finn,decides to live in train depot that he turns into a home in the middle of nowhere, newfoundland, nj. finn's a self-described angry man - angry to be born in this 4'5" body - and just wants to be alone. a displaced cuban-american convenience truck worker joe thirsts for company, someone to talk to, and relentlessly tries to befriend and hang out with finn, but finn won't budge. and olivia (patricia clarkson - GRETA from High Art, a movie that i f*cking LOVED) plays the artist divorcee who also wishes to be alone after her young son sam died and her husband's left her. the movie appealed to me on so many levels. the landscape of rural new jersey, and especially moving through that land on the commuter train NJTransit evokes a bodily memory of so many solo trainrides i took to get to and from college. i love train travel best of all forms of transportation, and here was a man who loved trains with a quiet passionate desire. i have that desire but haven't been in touch with it, since making that desire my living squashes under so many anxieties like deadlines, success, measuring up to some impossible standard. finn walked away from all that "life"...and i love how many scenes involve him alone walking on abandoned traintracks... and i felt his pain and rage at how much public scrutiny, gawking, exoticizing, and even ridicule that his miniature body attracted. a dignified man who needs to overcome the belief that his own body stands in the way of ever honestly connecting with other people. and so the heart of this movie is how hard olivia and joe separately try to connect with him...and his slowly reaching out to connect to them as well... joe likes olivia, olivia likes finn, finn likes olivia, joe likes finn, and each of them has to overcome their disbelief about these attractions... in the end, the movie is a buddy movie, not a love triangle...and i came to like that...that with so much eroticism in the air they all chose tender companionship...and peace in each others mutual adoration. so, leaving a movie like that my thoughts are channeled towards how my relationship with t. is like this...and how i'm resolving myself to the truth that we'd be better off friends, and not to mess with my horny id right now which kind of fantasized that maybe something sexual would happen tonight...not a one-night stand per se, but i so wouldn't have minded staying over at her place or inviting her in to mine... and so the conversation over martinis vacillated between talk about why now is not the right time for either of us to be in a relationship and talk about people we know involved in relationships. and in the back of my mind i wanted to ask 'what about us?'...could there be an us.... and so that's why i brought up my last relationship, and partly because the last time we had drinks she told me about her involvement with p.__ who struggled with alcohol addiction...in the end p.__ chose drinking over her, although p.'s a pretty smart writer and could very well have come to grad school if he'd wanted.... although t._'s mentioned trying all sorts of drugs in past conversations, she implies that it's all been recreational use... i don't doubt that either...but i think maybe in mentioning "my secret" she'd maybe confess hers...her silence makes me think there was no such secret...which is fine...relationships that grow out of addiction recovery are bound to implode if so other 'healthier' tie doesn't emerge quick... she sounded sympathetic and not at all judgemental when i mentioned the secret behind my toothless grin, and even the hell of balancing grad life while having the campuse health center embroiled in my life here...i do like that i revealed my vulnerability because until now, as someone 3 years older and further along in our grad programs, i've been the one with all the answers, recommendations, advice... and i liked being the one with the shit not-together...so that she could speak as someone with shit more together than me... and i'm happy that mentioning bulimia in the past tense didn't stick a stigma of awkwardness around food, either... when she drove me home, we spoke briefly in the car and she gave me lindor truffles milk chocolate (super super yummmie) i'm not afraid to eat them, i don't plan to binge on them, but more importantly she didn't think twice about the gift. i wanted to give her a hug goodbye, but only touched her arm... we parted with 'have a good spring break'...and 'see you around'...which doesn't mean anything has ended or begun...it means that we still enjoy each other's company, and nothing has to mean anything...it means i've been brave enough to expose myself, and she was courageous enough to listen without distaste or judgement...and i don't need to decide 'if i want to 'go out' with her, because it's a relief to know that's not even the question. we did go out. we had a good time. we enjoyed drinks, opened and closed emotions, and walked away. and for now, that's just fine.
MUSIC: ...Movie "The Station Agent"
READING: "Love" by Toni Morrison
FEELING:unresolved or relieved (not sure which)
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