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03.24.04 - 12:17 a.m.
"put a lid on your id, okay?!"!" how do i know that i'm ready to put a lid on my id, the voracious infantile desire whose insatiable appetite for more, more, more, knows no end? 1. changed my screensaver, desktop image, the font on this web site, the fonts on my eudora mail system... change change change change what's to become of me? 2. five movies in five days: the station agent, far from heaven, happiness, the dreamers, triplets of bellevue... march madness! not to mention my guilty pleasure of "trailer hopping"...looking at imdb.com and videodetective and checking out promotional film clips, which give me a taste of movies that i may not ever see...but at least i get caught up on my popular culture knowledge so like have a clue when lord of the rings lingo is exchanged before me. 3. my post-man is about to nickname me "the amazon lady" , and for good reason. in the last week, he's delivered between 2 and 4 packages A DAY to my house... used books, new books, DVDs, CDs, even a new 8 piece set of faberware pots on pans that i got on sale 70% off. my only reprieve from guilt is that at least my packages aren't so heavy as to break his back. and he's so used to these yellow third-rate envelopes overwrapped with layers of duck-tape, while still punctures in the envelopes leak bits of bubble wrap. used books arriving to upstate ny from random states all over the country - oregon, maine, illinois, georgia - that he doesn't bother to get my signature if i'm not there. so at least i save him the hassle of returning twice... 4. the post-man's not my dealer. DSL, 1-stop shopping, and my click-happy mousefinger are my dealers to my very own online shopping addiction. it must come to an end, it will. i should be freaking out, because i often can't remember what i ordered until after i've openned the box...and i try to make myself mark the price and at least read the introduction before shelving these books and movies and forgetting about it. but i know i'm recovering from a bad spell of not having what i want, and not being able to conjure it out of thin air...and buying it gives me fuels the fantasy that "if only" i had this stimulating book, i'd write stimulating prose... i do believe this can happen...i just haven't given ID a chance (awful laughter at pun). 4. today, my ID got phat feeding on its shoe fetish - bought not ONE but TWO pairs of shoes... (one of them RED mules - am i not INSANE?) - i went to a local store that had a 50% plus an additional (- $10) sale on shoes and bought a pair of ninewest brown boots with the 3" heel that looks like a sheath...the power i crave in the block shape i desire - i happen to hate stilletto shoes - too girly, too feminine in that fragility sort of way. i always get images of women walking on these shoes "on the verge" of snapping (the heels, and themselves)... so i bought the power heel whose shape and sharpness remind me of standing on a card (as in deck of cards)... so what's really going on? a. my therapist thinks (and i just disagree because i think she's hopelessly off the mark and just feeding me stock answers) but that it's "okay" to go from feast to famine behavior and not know how to deal with spring break (free time)... she just doesn't get it, and i'm not willing to spell out the obvious substituting metaphors.. binge shopping, binge eating? purging my bank account, purging my guts out? f*ck i don't have a csw or ma, i have been in therapy far too long...i'm just happy that i moved our meetings to mondays so i can just meet with her early and forget about her during the rest of the week. b. all out of wack about limits and boundaries given that my housemate was away - incredible how i immediately go back to staying up til 4AM and waking up at 1:00PM when she's gone. i don't really need someone to put me to bed and tell me a bedtime story, do i? c. rebelling that i'm not "going anywhere" for spring break, and so partaking in the equivalent shopping fantasy, in order to spend all the extra cash i'm saving. d. i think i'm in major denial that i HAVE to figure out my taxes this week, and i likely OWE money...BIG TIME...for the first time in ages, and i'm not prepared to let uncle sam peer in my private business, much less demand money to fund a war, "marital education lessons" and other programs i don't believe in. e. if no one else is going to buy things for me, and i've got to wait til january for my next birthday, well why the hell not, NOW. f. no one's around to stop me. but i'm warn out about the silliness of it all, and i don't look foward to working how many extra hours to clean up this mess. just had to get this out of my system...it's not wrong to shop like a fiend - obviously in some ways - like with the 8 piece MATCHING set of pots and pans, i just want to live like a woman with her house together, and not reminded that my kitchen odds and ends represent the accumulation of at least 8 apartments in 10 years. why the hell should i have to get married in order to have a registry and get nice homey ("my life in order", "on my way", "i'm settled") type things?!?! yeah, i'll have an unwedding party and registry when i hit 35, but my mad itch to satisfy my ID i think is waning...back to moderation, i hope soon. note to self: find on line how to get info for my friggin' taxes tomorrow and face the music, okay?
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FEELING:jumpy
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