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03.21.04 - 12:29 a.m.
has break sprung?!?! it's spring break it's spring break it's spring break it's spring break it's spring break it's spring break... can you tell that i'm excited to be free from obligations to work, school, teaching, and all other things tied to campus? so excited, in fact, that i woke up at 6:47 AM today on a saturday morning and couldn't get back to sleep...not that i accomplished much of anything, but i've put so much pressure on myself to be productive (as opposed to destructive) this break, that i'm all pins and needles ready to start. as usual, though, i tried to accomplish five things at once, and finished about none. but at least i got started. my housemate's gone as of yesterday; she's driving to cleveland with her beau to visit his parents. and in my crazy way of making deadlines, i'm using her return next tuesday as one firm limit to get things done by. i'm just learning since last semester and now this one, that vacation (read even MORE unstructured time) need not be an excuse for me to fall apart. to be fair to myself, the winter season in this uncity is so grey, often cold and rainy, that most of the january break is a wash for most everyone. long days inside, where i count it a victory to take a walk to the mailbox to mail a letter before last postal pickup at 4:30PM, or feel triumphant when i've transferred my washed laundry in three stages - out of the duffle bag, and into the bureau... i'm not quite sure who will be in town, or who's away. i'm figuring out my feelings about my decision to buy my mom a 60th birthday gift: an airplane ticket to visit two women who were her co-workers at the hospital and have since retired...my mom never goes anywhere "for fun"...or she claims its fun, but it's usually in order to visit me or my brother in d.c., or to transport someone from one place to another. of course i'm happy to give her a chance to be happy, even though the language she uses to describe all the people she has to visit drips with obligation and guilty feelings. i'm glad, can step away from that - if guilt makes her happy, so be it. but at least she's going, and i hope, gaining practice in doing activities just for the hell of it. the selfish reason for paying her trip is so that (1.) she doesn't drive up to visit me here (2.) i curb my impulses to spend that money on online shopping or an impromptu trip somewhere for myself. in the spirit of getting compulsive shopping out of my system, i took a quick one-hour trip to the mall yesterday...i bought colorful stripey socks, and victoria secret's stripey underwear...it was so obvious to me that i was trying to buy a feeling, not an item: softness, color, variety, organization. i'm glad i remembered to buy dish detergent (something i actually needed)... admittedly, i felt a bit let down and a tad lonely. jrf, who's become my closest confidante and intellectual friend these days, has made up with her girlfriend, after said girlfriend rudely and abruptly called jrf up at 4:30AM on a monday morning to tell her that she needed her freedom, wanted out, and wanted her to break up with her. i've never seen my friend so devastated; and i just felt so mad that this precocious and often obnoxious g-friend could be so immature and stupid to let go of someone as special as jrf, and to boot, break her heart in the process. but the girlfriend's back, and so me "best friend"'s been demoted to second-fiddle. i'm entitled to refuse to be nice or forgive her for her asinine ways, even if jrf can get over it, aren't i? i don't know, if my trouble is forgiving or forgetting but i'm just not able to let go of my anger. i just want nothing more to do with her. and i don't trust her, i couldn't trust her ever again. maybe that's why jrf's been through several long term relationships and i've never made it past 6 months, if not refusing to get started. "don't start anything, don't start anything" i keep telling myself, especially since out-of-session tends to get my libido afired. the academic calender is hardly the best biorhythmic meter. i recognize how totally abnormal place repressive cap on all romantic interests, place blinders on my head, put my nose down, and grind only to the music of my fingers tapping dissertation speak on a keyboard. but then comes break, and the (misbelief?) of possibility. that i'm alive and have senses beyond that of "read and write". i'll respond to at least 12 unanswered emails this week at least, to friends i've neglected through stressful semester periods when i didn't allow myself the time to do something as simple for myself as feed a human connection. then my guilt knocks that flicker of desire out the ballpark, because "conscience says: work harder, focus, revise, got to get published, romance your career not your body, and certainly not another human body". and believe me, i've been known to even feel major guilt about impairing others' career, fearing that if i reveal my interest i'll wreck their lives, stop their successes...in other words, i'm so afraid to share even a glimpse of the unglamourous underlife i hide as burden, that i don't know where to start so i don't. i sure as hell don't want to damage anyone else... i don't have to figure this all out now, and given the rare coincidence of an actual workable relationship - that is getting beyond the awkward "spillage" phase of hsharing my interest in someone, and then having that person rebuff me, and mostly waste headspace trying to restore our friendship to "normalcy" after i was dome enough to make ripples unleashing my "feelings", well, i don't want to be bothered right now. and even though, i know i'm tempted too to find sex for sex sake, this uncity is too damn small for a fling without consequences (i'd friggen be unable to avoid crossing paths with that person)...i'll put a lid on it. maybe, better to take pleasure in just sending feelers out, writing in that double language that insinuates interest but if that person's doesn't pick up on it, hell, no harm done. i'll post a list of all the papers, conference abstracts, journal submissions, prize competitions, and fellowship awards i need to apply to this spring break. i've just be sprung into the possibility of doing whatever the hell i want for the next 10 days. i'm in no rush to wind the chain of obligation around me sooner than i have to.
MUSIC: "triplets of bellevue" soundtrack melody running through my head
READING: NYTimes Crossword Puzzle
FEELING:even
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