|
02.12.04 - 10:04 p.m.
she's having a baby nope, i most definitely am NOT referring to myself. (i'll get to the daunting hoops between me and club in vitro in a second) yesterday over an impromptu afternoon tea/study break a fellow grad student pops her head up from her book to announce, "oh! i forgot to mention the good news!" and before she even said it, i knew 'she's pregrant'. i'm not really close with her, but have known her since we started grad school. she came here already married. and of the 6 women in my incoming class, two more have had weddings. of course i smiled and said i was happier for her. i am. she said she's already 3 months along. but, the news still startled me. she's breaking away, into another league that i won't ever understand until i get there myself. we're both the same age...and as timing would have it, my college roommate anna emailed AND called me wednesday to say that she's having her baby this weekend. and again, i hesitated to write an exuberant reply. wisely, she's going to save her baby the burden of being born on valentine's day. marriage i get. reproduction i don't. in the span of six weeks, i know for a fact that three women from my college singing group are due in february and january. they happen to be living in the bay area so i'm not witnessing this metaphorphosis of women i've known as 17year olds - with whom i heralded turning 21 - now into their third decade and arranging baby showers. with so many of my girlfriends keeping their names after marriage, weddings seem just like a elaborate reunion of friends and the change of address just represents becoming roommates for life. that i get. i don't feel left out. i made a vow with myself that i would adopt or become a foster parent to mark my 35th birthday. and parenthood doesn't phase me really. from ages 12-15 i took care of my little sister while fretting that i'd be mistaken for a single mother. maybe it's that this choice doesn't require two minds, two decisions, or two bodies for that matter. filling out forums, writing essays, copying applications in triplicate...that makes sense...it's how most everything works in my life anyway. from enrolling in courses to ordering clothing online, i just pick out what i choose - if i pass the credit check - what i want can be mine. so it's the two ness of pregnancy, and that couples become 'families' that's the untranslatable barrier. i don't know that territory. i do want children. not so much as to have a malleable lifeform to mold into my own image, and not because i want someone to take care of. i certainly want the company, and the glee of pure conversation. uninhibited. language that flows with trust, rather than halted with fear and resentment. that golden age when children don't yet need to have a secret life, and it's okay that your parents are your closest confidante. to answer questions like "where does the sun go at night?"...and "why does the bus driver look at me that way" and to ask those questions with no worry over decibal levels or tones of voice. despite my history of binging and purging, i'm not worried about pregnancy. not even the hormonal changes, and the possibility that i'll have to go off meds for a while. i must still be worried though, because i had a willie wonka type nightmare on my friend jen's due date in january. she sent me a very pregnant xmas picture, and in my dream she'd blown up to the size of a red round berry, and was rolling on her side - she was laughing hysterically. i was the panicked terrified one in the dream. she definitely was rolling away from me, and i couldn't stop her. the dots are all there. UPDATE: she HAD the baby welcome Elliot Alan LeCuyer into the world on Wed. Feb. 11, 2004. i called her today, hoping to talk to her 'one last time' before she was a mother for life. apparently, the 'little guy' wasn't waiting for anyone. he came early. on wed. she just came home today. and just as i after i hung up, her husband (who graduated one year ahead of us), sent me his pictures online. i stumbled to the extent of using words like 'your son' (i was kinding of hoping she'd have a daughter), and "how many inches" i mean "how long" is he. it did help that she could describe contractions like bad menstrual cramps, that she could use a language that i'm familiar with. i don't feel alienated. not so left out. it's just that yes, but one set of conventional standards - she's married, had a kid, well what else is there to do in life? all those years she struggled to get her master's thesis done pale in comparison to the activity she's just been through. i'm in awe. i'm glad she went first though. i won't feel so dumb asking her questions. and what can i say - not that it's a competition, but if she's bringing a son back to our 10th year reunion the least i could do is try not to come empty-handed myself. geez, imagine the number of kids's i'll be brining gifts for by the year 2005.
MUSIC: Reading: Midnight's Children, Salman Rushdie
READING: Listening: Bitter, Me' Shell NdegeOcello
FEELING:
�
|
