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02.13.04 - 10:12 p.m.
golden rule for v-day circling says: tell someone you love them only if you really mean it. on this day of tallying loves gained, and loves lost and that oh so familiar steady state of love neutralized - no prospectus, no problem (;-) i say everyone could just make something sacred out of this fabricated love fest holiday by treating love with respect. don't say it unless you mean it. don't say it, thinking by doing so you can make someone else mean it. no lies, no guilt, no disappointment, no pain. love never done anyone dirty, who hadn't already done muddied up love with going through the motions, somethings on the side, and sticking with it because old habits are hard to break. i'm not even going to put time into a manifesto, because i've got nothing to profess. if i can make it through tonight, an un-valentine's day party awaits me tomorrow. theme: swingers/key party. not sure yet whether i'll have the courage to put my house key in the pool and actually go home with whomever draws the (un)lucky item. but hell, Ang Lee's The Ice Storm (1997)(where the key party's made infamous) WAS filmed near my home town. (small grin). tonight, i'm glad to have made it through the week. my new therapist made the most useful suggestion since we started last semester: why not up your meds. i've been scrimping on 1/2 my prescribed dosage to save money for when my insurance inevitably runs out and i've got to pay as much as $75-$148 on these various meds per month. i've doubled the anti-dep and it's probably too soon to say if it's taken effect. i was afraid of side effects, but the drowsiness would relieve me of staying up til 4AM after night teaching. and the absence or presence of libido is a running joke - so why the hell not? i've gotten over fears about my personality changing long ago. at the moment, i just want to feel better, brighter...what i did notice this week was a pang in my front right lobe (should go look up what's affected there). and the pain is reassuring in i suppose self-injurious way. as in i'm willing to undergo pain to feel better, and i just want to attack the source of pain so badly. better a tiny neurotransmitted spark than me rapping my knuckles on my head. the plan is to keep to myself. remind myself that no day of my life has to be counted a waste - if it just means that i paid a bill, or emptied the trash can, activity and movement mean life. i'm just avoiding movements of the compulsive, compelled kind. and so as not avoid getting clocked by love-intoxicated couples who are so smitten with each others gazes, they fail to unlock their hands while taking up the span of the WHOLE sidewalk for single sisters doing it for themselves (c'est moi!) i'm staying home, and wrapping myself in my new birthday down comforter for cover. golden.
MUSIC: cesaria evora, "la diva aux pieds nus"
READING: my old journals :-/
FEELING:even
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