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02.12.04 - 1:02 a.m.
building my own bandwagon
first, give myself credit for a job well done. rather than launch straight away into the pitfalls of this week, i want to hold on to the two sections that went right. not sure why i have to work so hard, putting in three hours of prep time for these discussion sections. i had two small victories, that on monday and wednesday evenings, i entered the zone of concentration. a mental state where my mind actually works for me, where my retention of what i've just read is unflappable. i wouldn't say the material is any more or less dense, although admittedly path-breaking feminist theory grabs my interest, while platonic philosophies on desire and love do not. the difference, i believe, is that i committed to mastering this material because my students needed me to be a leader, to have a clue, to grant some guidance. and more than the rational decision that i have to drill this material in my head or else the discussion period will be nightmarish, i felt my decision on a visceral level - the strength of conviction - which is a true force. the adult me, who has such a hard time establishing "or elses" and dreadful outcomes for failing to meet absolute deadlines, was able to come up with and believe in the dire truth of actual consequences for not standing by my responsibilities to these students i'm racked my head since this semester started about why i feel so detached from my research, and my own life. and i'm certain it's because i lack conviction in my desire to do this work for myself. i do believe i have the ability. yet, getting a ph.d. isn't even about intellectual ability. it's about taking responsibility for my self with pleasure, making sure i take ownership for all the steps involved in putting a research project together. it's about taking the fact seriously, that if i don't complete these tasks, absolutely no one else will complete them for me. yes, i have resentment and anger built up from feeling for years that i did not have someone waiting in the wings, anxious and falling over themselves to step in and take care of things for me [the "controlling' parent, the older "i'll watch out for you" sibling, the "heroic" boyfriend/girlfriend, the "handwringing, overlyconcerned" therapist/doctor.] no matter how fragile, uncertain, and at my wit's end i feel on the outside, that message - please help me - doesn't seem to get across to people i encounter. damn, on tuesday, after waking up at 2:30PM for my afternoon tutoring shift... i'm at my most disoriented,and as i rush to the bus stop, not one but TWO people frigging ask me for directions. i don't have a watch, i'm not even certain i have my keys, bus pass, or wallet most days, and yet folks are constantly turning to me like some resource of responsibility. would some one like to come up to me and offer me direction sometime? part of turning 30, has been accepting that chances are i won't be the recipient of "SAVE HER" CAMPAIGNS. the United Therapists of I____ (UTI) aren't clamouring to build me a bandwagon, cheer me anywhere, make themselves accessible 24/7, adopt me on a crusade to make sure that complete my dissertation, get my degree, graduate and get a job in 2005. just as i'm learning to feel the urgent conviction that gives meaningful purpose to my teaching preparation, a conviction that oddly gives me a peace akin to stability once i'm in the classroom, yes, i want to achieve such intense conviction about my own dedication to my own ideas. where i feel the purpose of my work so clearly and weightily that i don't feel as if i'm "making" myself do anything. instead, i couldn't imagine any other way to engage with my own ideas but with committed purpose.
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