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02.09.04 - 12:19 a.m.
present? i owe it to my students to be present this week. i don't have to be the best t.a. they've ever had. i don't have to turn back flips as stunning, or rather, as sexy or sassy as the professor who lectures. i just have to listen closely to every word each student says, and respond in such a way that they each feel that they have said something of value. this semester, i'm the one up front taking roll call, mispronouncing names, smiling weakly, asking "present? absent?" and yet, so far, i've felt as absent and out of control of the enlightening discussion sections i'm supposed to be leading. i knew things were pretty bad on wednesday, when i found myself going around the room asking for what felt like the umpteenth time (i think it had only been twice, the first time being 'taking attendence') and i couldn't remember anyone's name afterwards. me, who's got the wacky talent for remembering details even the speaker's forgotten she's said. and only after i got to about the 8th person (of 21!!!) i realized that damn, this exercise isn't going to work. there's no way in hell i can come up with one or two coherent magically spun meta-comments that sweeps and swirls aspects of what everyone's said into one profound statement. gravitas? no, i don't think so. more like gravy on my brain. yeah, fog and mud, and slush and worse the awful awful sound of hearing my own voice fill the room, and twenty one students start to tune me out. what they didn't know is that fuck, i'd try to read the blasted symposium days before and it just kept putting me asleep. or that, i'd upon rereading the syllabus more closely, i discovered an additional reading assignment that happened to be on the next page. [note to future teacher self: never fuck your students over by breaking up a day's assignment over two pages on a syllabus] i don't have to win an award, but dammit, i don't have to will a disappearing act either...all i have to do is hold a decent conversation for 40 minutes. it's not about me. being their instrument, a moderator, who just adds a provocative question or two, so that they don't feel like their wasting their time. yes, try telling someone who feels like a waste of space, who's voice sounds like inarticulate impenetratable wastes of words, who's self-image says please 'no eyes on me', even as i'm supposed to be the default looking glass for the discussion period.
Uhm, did i mention that the name of this course is "Desire?" i'm not joking
i made an important beginning today. forced myself to email suggested discussion themes. forced myself to add another paper topic to the list the prof already had (a topic that reflects some of the discussions we've had in the past). what i'm saying is. i don't have to be the best. but i do have to try with conviction. and remember, that as a student, there is nothing more uncomfortable than watching my professor act visibly uncomfortable.
presence takes practice. so do your homework!
MUSIC:
READING:
FEELING:
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