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01.08.04 - 1:27 a.m.
expire-ed
i'm fighting with myself these days to stay away from reading e.d. boards, regardless of the forum, no matter what stage of recovery - stasis, diving in, climbing out)...i'm sick of endlessly scrolling through posts, and not even knowing what i'm looking for...... ... i don't want community - ugh, i'm sick of institutionalized support networks - the ip, the op, the 12 step mtgs, the treatment teams. it's not that all that support hasn't saved me from myself, given me eyes to see my own life with hope and value. and yes the phone lists have been incredible lines at any hour if i've had the strength or will to dial seven digits...i found a lifeline to hold onto... ...i must stay away from reading e.d. webworld period (whatever term these forums give themselves) if i'm not in search of answers anymore. i have all the medical information i'll ever need, and thank goodness i don't have to go grocery shopping with a 'high potassium foods' list handy. i'm done with protein bars and powders. i'm done buying other quick-fix remedies - self-help books, memoirs and autobiographies, special issue people magazines... ...and i'm not in search of celebrities who suffer or exploit their eating disordered bodies...and i'm angered that these stories still make for news stories...i'm aging myself by saying i totallly remember when princess diana told the world that she was bulimic (this is back in the 80s) or ... i don't know what i'm saying, just something about these boards, not just saddens me but angers me...and so if i don't find it useful to me anymore, then i know to just walk away... ...i'm not saying much of anything conclusive. i'm feeling resentful that women these days have access to each other in their diseases (i'm sure someone somewhere has a live web cam hooked up to their bathrooms to watch them purge if they wanted)...avenues to help each other recover or stay sick... .. i remember back when i went ip in 1993 before facilities had websites or their doctors organized live chats, and Q&A...and i left those intensive stays with a phone number and address if i was lucky...and those phone numbers weren't mobile cellphones so that it'd be possible to talk for unlimited minutes even on 3 way...or have instant messenger access while i was in college throughout the day... or text messaging, so i couldn't just prepare a message and send it without even talking to that other person... or even have a webblog or live journal to document how i was doing, share my feelings or even pictures of myself, my family, my house, my life...and archive that, let others i'd stayed inpatient with and hold on to these intense experiences... ...maybe not angry or even resentful, maybe more like astounded...and i'll admit at times outright envious..that e.d. boards provide this key to a lifestyle that always felt so lonely, but is now virtually a membership, on an international scale. ...i don't know how to feel...sometimes connected but more often disconnected, reading through the questions posted on these boards...connected because the conversations are so familiar - most ever binged or purged, most embarrassing purging experience, most bizarre eating combination, oddest place ever purged... clogging toilets and sinks, breaking and losing teeth, fear of [parents, lover, friends] finding out, terror of going ip for the first time, forced by universities to take a medical leave... ...i've had them in real time with countless people across multiple states... and i'm tired. (*) . the sensationalism is gone: nothing, i mean, nothing i see or hear shocks me. (*) . the "belonging" is gone: i know i'm not the only person who does what i do, there is no secret society, exclusivity element. nothing freaky since no stereotype fits. (*) . the mystique of secrecy is gone: between the web, library, cable, and video store - it feels like common knowledge that if a woman spends an inordinate amount of time in a bathroom, or secretive and isolates, she's probably up to something wacky with her food. bored. tired. flattened. interest expired. so now what? and why do i still care?
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