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01.08.04 - 1:26 a.m.
not all wanderers are aimless... i'm telling myself that just for this week i'm slowly reintegrating myself back into life here. i'm so fearful of the panicky, do-or-die, trapped pace that seems to cloud over my life somewhere around mid-semester and not end until the school calender does. my goal for 2004 is to lead a routine life. routine doesn't mean chained to an OCD track, where to depart from rituals is to derail myself from knowing how to live. in the ritual-driven life, if i don't leave the house by 9AM or catch the 10:10AM bus, or hit the gym by 10:30AM or whatever my pattenr at the moment, inexplicable feelings of loss arise...and i then deflate, sink back into my living room couch and wonder what am i going to do with myself today. in a routine life, i won't worry that i haven't done enough or gone far enough, that there's no such thing as finished even as i beat myself up for not really having begun anything yet...in a routine life, i can't pronounce anything a waste...nothing's discounted...a routine life is like a hundred tributaries blending into one and what matters less is the ratio of how i've spent my day and what are the results...visible results...but rather...that all those activities do follow a route that's going somewhere. and i can relax, because just by getting up in the morning and reading a little, writing a little, surprising a friend with a phone call for no reason, or replying to an email that i've put off, all those activities are taking me somewhere...and i don't have to articulate what that place looks like...or validate the worth of arriving there...i'm satisfied to know that i'm moving...and greatful that life means movement.
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