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12.18.03 - 12:11 a.m.
for starters...
how do i just pop back into this space after six months away? i know that i need to write, to check in with myself, to keep a record of the days. i've been in nyc since dec. 14th, and today was the first real-time face to face contact i've had someone who KNOWS me. what relief. and yet, i held back because i just didn't want to dampen a reunion after 3 years apart, with the depth of what i've been climbing through.
just knowing that i planned to meet aimee today, kept me from looking into the face of every person walking towards me, in hopes of finding some sign of recognition. new york city really can be a small: if you tend to travel the same MTA routes, or stick within the same area (for me, i've been a morningside heights an an Avenue of the Americas kind-of-gal) well you're bound to bump into a face from the past. really, it *has* happened to me that i've run into people on subway cars...a spontaneous reunion...an abrupt, but welcome, shattering of the blank face i wear to protect myself on nyc streets. (as in, look mister, i didn't see anything, i don't know anything, no sir, not me! (LOL). but this yearning is different, more dangerous, i don't trust my desire that old housemates, co-workers, fellow students, will pop up in front of me, embrace me with a huge hug saying "welcome back...we've missed you." i want the hug; don't really want to reminisce. i can't explain i___ to anyone, or why i've grown to love it, to engrain myself in a place where i would appear not to belong. what's saddens me right now is that while "improving the quality of grad life", has been a noble endeavor...but i didn't go to graduate school to play cruise director...and even this makeshift family that has seen me through so many dark times, can not will not last forever. while i'm here in new york city for the next week, i want to find my passion, no my FERVOR, for my dissertation... because the feelings inside of me FOR me must become reliable dear old friends. i need me like never before.
MUSIC:
READING:
FEELING:
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