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06.30.03 - 4:50 a.m.
serene goodbyes i said goodbye today to my closest friend here in i_____. she's leaving to spend the academic year doing research at a university in hawaii. her time away will be indefinite; she can't say if she'll return next may 2004 or if she will not return at all until her graduation in may 2005. and i havenot panicked. i have not cried. i've been so darn serene about the whole thing, i'm frightened...but in a goodway....since my emotional responses are telling me that miraculously i've changed. i have my thpst to thank for four years of hard work, and practicing saying goodbye over and over again without devolving, without putting my emotions on hold until that person returns. i'm still breathing...in and out... i can continue to exhale life on my own, even if humans whose unconditional love and presence in my life have been my foundation when i absolutely couldn't breathe or be on my own. i pray like the dickens that this serenity lasts. so, this has been tidalwave goodbye #2. later this week my housemate moves out. an absolutely amicable departure... and i need to take steps this week to find a replacement....living with r___ has made such an incredible difference in my life...i realize the powerful combination has been that (a) i feel comfortable enough to express any opinion on my mind, and he'll always receive my opinions in the best intentions (b) i trust his esteem for me is absolutely unshakeable, undoubtedly. how amazing it has been to relax in my own house. to never fear backlash for saying the wrong word, or ridicule of my disheveled ways. to not fear that i'll wake up to an angry letter from him tacked onto the fridge about some thoughtless offense i'd committed. you know, once upon a time i felt so ashamed for locking myself out of my own house... (i forget my keys friggin all the time, it's ridiculous!) that i slept outside on the porch rather than ring the doorbell and wake up my housemate h_____ at the time. the next morning, she saw me there and thought i was bonkers for not getting her attention to let me in. i felt then that i had to punish myself, that i deserve to treat myself horribly because i'm imperfect enough to making the same mistakes over and over, even when i should 'know better'. it's okay to make a mistake in my own home. it's okay to even screw up after i've learned the right way to be. i deserve to always be welcome in my own home. regardless. with these insights, i think that maybe i can live on my own at home for a while...and i'll look for a new housemate without feeling apprehension that i'm tricking this person into living with me. that somehow i'm an intolerable and unloveable for all my foibles. i'm not. serene goodbyes to others are also serene hellos to myself. and i know that i will survive home alone.
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