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12.20.03 - 12:31 a.m.
whenever you're ready.. your life is ready for you this play on words came to me tonight, as i sat down alone for my first cup of tea and self-reflection since i got to nyc. i believe i'm right. how else have i gotten by, when i've been a fog of a person, while managing the day to day parts of my life? not sure why, the nuts and bolts of participating in life always feels so unreal to me: paying bills, writing checks, picking up the dry cleaning, sorting the mail, returning phone calls... everytime i dial "my numbers" or sign "my name", i'm saying in a way "here i am world. you assigned me these digits called 'identity'. i've memorized 'em and obediently punch these codes to keep my ride in this world going..." [hah, just had a post-modern day image of alice in wonderland, slipping through, no, SWIPING herself through the credit card slot!] the point of all this chatter is to say, i'm not always there...but i keep up the chatter, because i know i can be, have been, and will be there, again. today, i reaped the benefits of announcing that i'm back in town, reciting my phone number into a couple answering machines and asking "so, wanna hang out?" today, i went to a mellow loungey cafe with a recent ph.d. grad, soon to be an asst. prof at a pretty great university. in talking to hear, i figured out two important things. a) the hype of getting through candidacy exams in spring has passed, and now i'm left to do the dissertation deed...i've been looking around for my crew, those faculty, advisors, friends whose constant encouragement sustained me like those angelic people who stand along a marathon route, holding out cups of water, giving pats on the back, assuring you that 'you can not fail, you're still standing, the finishing line has you're name on it.' and you know what? the crew's wished me bon voyage, and see ya when you get back. in some ways, i feel as if i set up my own trap - i proved i could survive a major hurdle without dissolving, and all that survivor evidence proves to my crew that i can keep going on my own. i don't want to live my life in a crisis, a panic, in fear that i must do or be dead. yet, when i try to rev up passion and fire for myself, i ignite fog and a suffocating mist, instead. b) how i feel my fears change, because the nature of the contest has changed. now, how can i foresee failure on writing a book that i haven't begun? and why or when will the material evidence of another degree mean, in the very least, that i CAN handle even this? i won't answer that one... ..i just can't stand that worth is so ephemeral and fleeting...is worth a piece of paper, or a nod of respect, or a glowing reputation, or what? i wish i could wrap worth around me, rather than ingest worth so it could fill me up. i need worth to armor me; although, if could pour worth down my throat and it would cement me solid, i guess i'd take that too. i want to see my worth, feel it, a tangible layer firmer and closer than my own skin to me. when will that happen?? i know i have to open up about other, deeper hurts right now. like terminating with my therapist on dec. 1st after four incredible altering years. she called today, as she said she would, to straighten the final invoice situation. 10 minutes and 53 seconds. i cried after we hung up. she cares about "how i'm doing?" like no other person i've ever worked with. i'm grateful she asked, and certain she listened with an ear that my current thpxt i doubt will ever have. i began buying holiday gifts, beginning with the person i've tried to put out of my life all year. why is it that after active relationships end, i still walk around stores, picking up items and musing, 'oh this would just be perfect for so and so'. damn, i even put this gift back on the shelf and picked it up again. maybe giving can bring me peace and closure, if i just tell her i've never understood what happened and likely never will...and i give away my desire to try with this gift. not passive aggressive - if i don't even think her CAPABLE of giving as i've given - truth is, i don't believe she's really tried. the day ended with an unexpected friendster message from a guy who's studying in europe. his profile listed nyc as his hometown, so i sent an email a while back just asking if he'd be in town. and now he is. and he wrote asking to set up a time to meet for coffee. ahahahahah. will not process what this all means, but for now i'll say again, that i went through the motions (like letting him know my interest in meeting him), unable to predict when i'd be ready to introduce someone into my life. maybe, my life is already ready for me. so: just live it.
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