|
03.26.03 - 2:37 a.m.
i'm leaving on a jet plane (well actually it will take three jet planes, two connections - yeah, cheaptickets!) to get me from new york to california. nominally, this is a business trip... i'm presenting a paper at the highest profile conference that i've ever attended. truth be told, i believe this will be a transformation trip. i'll be away for a week in a consistently sunny and warm place...the spring break that i didn't have last week. [note to self that wherever i get a job and move to next MUST have 6 out of 7 sunny days a week]. i'll be staying with an old friend from college, and i can't wait to spend time with someone who has known me for over ten years . she has a cat too, and so i'll have a warm being to cuddle with while we stay up late and catch up...kind of like the days when we did all-nighters just about every other night... but, back to transformation. i'm not going with a long list of expectations. the very fact that over five years has passed since i last visited berkeley (1997), the summer before i even started graduate school, means i'll inhabit that campus with completely different eyes...and come to think of it, it was five years before *that* trip (1992) that i'd first set eyes on that campus. so transformation will come by virtue of the gift of visiting a city i love and noticing how much i've changed each time...walking with more confidence, more security in who i am, and appreciation for where i've been. i'm always an explorer but with each visit my compass alters according to what i am now searching for these days in my life. the other transformation (back to business)... circling moves up a notch towards professordom...about five professors from my program will also give papers. in fact, the person chairing my panel is one of those profs. one year ago, i took her seminar. the roles were clear and familiar. ME grad SHE prof. TEACHER has always meant expert, mentor, indisputable holder of all knowledge... (geez, i remember the name of every teacher i've had since kindergarten!!!)
and each one has always represented 'the person i aspire to be', or if i'm more honest 'the person whom i could always bring questions and find answers, because my parents never could'.. the teacher-student dynamic is my most comfortable. ME humble, self-depricating, uncertain, afraid. THEY confident, competent, sure. i've always trusted that teachers would have the answer, and i've always trusted in those answers... and now...slowly the balance has stopped tipping...and me and they are transforming into COLLEAGUES... whatever that means. i know what that means, but i'm afraid in some senses of what equality will bring... i've never believed there was such thing as equal...i've always needed them to be higher to be the solid star that i could depend on... so what happens, when my teachers start asking me for solutions? what happens when i recognize that their answers, still delivered in as confident a tone as ever, sound not quite right? what happens when i recognize their competence as feigned, their confidence as arrogance, their pride as a defense masking deep insecurities? what happens when i disagree? when i cease to believe? when they're wrong? question is not, how do i recognize when i'm right, but when will i recognize my voice is loud enough to contradict? honestly, that's not my primary concern at the moment. i'm actually deathly afraid of the moment of performance, when i am at the podium and profs that i've taken courses with are in the audience. do i dare believe that i really have something to teach them. i do. i'm more afraid of the discomfort of them listening to me... you see, all this transformation is not a rite of passage unique to me. all grads go through this... why do i fear the awkwardness of their undivided attention (because i don't believe in the worth yet of what i have to say and can't shake feeling like a fraud... reading their minds falsely, their voices screaming 'you're wrong!' how dare you profess to be truth, 'you're wrong!').... it'll be transformative because it will have to happen sometime. now is the time. i just can't envision how 'after' will feel. yes, i'll feel empowered. after a while, i'll even allow their praise to sink in (but of course, we always lavish compliments about how 'interesting' each other's papers are, even if we don't always believe that's true)...i will be empowered. i will be power. and that's scary because i've never been power before. and then what? there's more transformation to speak of in other circles of my life. too much, all at once to deal with. i came home to an email today, asking me to resign from the board of a sexual assault services center, which i've served on for less than a year. i've been too busy and stressed and at times depressed with my exams right now, i missed my second meeting in a row. enter many tears, feeling pre-empted, feeling too tired over extended good hearted but never enough... the old me would have reacted immediately, writing a long letter about my chaotic life, defending my 'issues', apologizing and apologizing but begging for forgiveness. what would it be like though to just cut them off, like this board is now cutting me off? a friend said i need more practice being an asshole, more practice saying "if that's how you feel' fine then, see ya!" i'm entirely too worried that eight people in the world will think i'm irresponsible, self-centered, uncaring. but so what? can i possibly tolerate letting thinking 'less of me' in the world? what happens when i next meet them in the street? i need to write a letter (not of resignation, i just don't think that's fair!!!!), but a SHORT two-sentence email back saying, i'm leaving on a jet plane...can i reply when i return? i came to this town to get a ph.d., but i joined this board to be more than a walking encyclopedia. it's hard to accept that maybe other grad students can manage five organizations, plus relationships, plus raising children, plus extra jobs, and i'm struggling with just living me day in and out. that's my reality now. funny thing is that once upon a time i really did think i could fly. i didn't need sleep. i didn't need time for myself. generosity meant selflessness meant i didn't need self. but i do. need self. my self. a whole self. rested. right now... my self needed to write here tonight, even more than it needed to pack, although i need that too. (i'm so tired). six hours til lift off. i can't wait to see to live to be the self i will become this week. circling is now landing in flight
MUSIC:
READING:
FEELING:
�
|
|
