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04.04.03 - 1:43 a.m.
i found hope in california, and belief again that life is beautiful and that my life can be so much more beautiful...the longer i hang in there and the harder i keep making dates with my future and actually showing up with those dates the more i see my own power. and believe that i am real. who knew that i could get what i want out of life? who knew i could ask? and how rattlingly powerful it's been to keep asking and to keep wanting and getting all that i ask for, and this life is mine and not a struggle, and i have not known completely how to appreciate that or live and walk with that... but i know i am... more on that later... for now, i'm totally cheating by cutting and pasting an update from a recent email about how life is going now that i've returned. somehow the more times i repeat how incredibly uplifting was my trip to california, the less real it all sounds. and i don't want to minimize my experience to a soundtrack... and a touristy one at that. no, my trip wasn't like that at all. i just need to write up a new script for this page...just not right now, maybe a weekend project... i'm psyched to have thrown some money into d'land and will hopefully (although i'm way html illiterate) start quilting a beautiful page of images all my own. my map of my life in the world. ************************************** life has become even more beautiful today in so many exciting ways, i just don't want to fall asleep. two more pieces of incredibly good news arrived, after receiving the wonderful notice about my acceptance to the ASA 2003 conference. first, i *did* get the T.A. ship i wanted for a popular class classed _desire_ and i've heard that the professor feels pleased, genuinely pleased, about my assignment. second, i came home to my advanced copy of my advisor's book, just published! i, of all people, empathize with the dilemma of the 'long awaited' publication, and so celebrate its arrival on a more metaphysical plane than most. funny enough, her preface addresses just that: the twenty odd years it's taken her to amass, and then publish her collected writings. most hilarious of all, the opening sentence of her acknowledgements reads: "As an occasional victim of my own stubbornness -- quite possibly an out-growth of my nativity under the earth sign of Taurus -- I will not advance one step until I am convinced that every hair is in place, or more precise to the matter at hand, not until the work is as perfect as the idea of it in my mind." all this time i'm feeling like a flighty air-head air sign to nod demurely to the astrological, especially before a committee of practical earth signs. here, my advisor admits quite forthrightly that she is a female taurus and owns up to their very attributes that drive me bonkers!!! and okay, okay, here i 'fess up to my conflating compulsion. my mom is also an april taurus -- their birthdays are just 5 days and about two years apart. and urr, did i mention that she received her ph.d in 1974, the year that i was born. don't i have reasons to believe that the gods are laughing?!?!? aren't you??... but on another front i need to get going, get finished, TO GET REAL AND DEAL...it will come together, i know so. my life, mysteriously and miraculously, already is coming together. and THAT's nothing to laugh at...and but actually, since i love myself when i am laughing and i've been laughing all day under the wide floppy brim of my zora neale hurston hat from berkeley's telegraph avenue, i guess this wonderful day in my life really is something to laugh about. i invite you to join in. warmly, sunnily, and above all laughingly, circling
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