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03.18.03 - 2:07 p.m.
Said a wise wise woman once to circling: "Circling, you have grossly overestimated how many ideas you need to have in a seminar paper, how sophisticated the analysis needs to be, and how thoroughly you need to think everything through! these projects are too ambitious, no wonder you're having trouble finishing them. Just begin at the beginning, writing actual paragraphs rather than outlines go on till you have the requisite number of pages, write a paragraph or two of conclusion that suggests further directions the project could take, and THEN STOP. Put ideas that aren't central to your argument briefly into footnotes, on the order of (implicitly) "if I had time I would think about such-as-such too."" there it is, the answer. i say that i long to be done, and above here's the key to acceptance and peace. and i'm so stubbornly stone deaf i see the words but i won't let them sink in. why am i so afraid to feel free of depressive loneliness? i tell myself that 'depression is so boring,' that 'suicide is a passionless drama...' my cup is empty - snuffing out what feels like a blanched heart, a cracked container, won't help me when passion comes... i trust that passion for life is coming. it's not if but when.... and in the meantime? if i can't even trust myself (i've slept over at a.'s house for two nights now, cuz god knows she's far to good a person to even think of bring death to her door. oh no, i leave it outside on the doormat)....the least i can do is try another's way. the least you can do is fill the hours with new routines. repeating the old ones...brooding, moping, hurting, waiting, praying that pain vanishes and love of life replaces that pain, well hasn't got me too far...so keep going miss. keep on going. click, click on dorothy's words. please take me home
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