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10.10.02 - 2:30 a.m.
a future, fancy that
if i let myself wonder if other people know how much i drive myself crazy, endlessly reviewing each day in my mind, i don't think that i'd leave my house. but...maybe that's a good thing. not leaiving my house that is. you see, for the first time in about seven years i am not only living alone, but i am reasponsible for no body else but myself. and the feeling is hard to get use to. but, miraculously i am. it's becoming easier and easier for me to turn off my ringer, and not expect then be disappointed that nobody has called. it's getting easier and easier to walk past my mailbox, and leave its contents unopened and untouched. nobody touches me unless i allow them to. i've discovered in my third decade of life that i have boundaries... i am my own gatekeeper. and for once in my life, i'm not standing at my gate pleading for the world to come in. keep me company. circling wants to come out and play, don't you see. singular play. and i'm starting to play for keeps. that is, invest in my own future. i have an admission i'd like to make, and then slam shut: reactionary me has finally kicked into gear upon learning that i'm about to be surpassed by the very individuals that i've spent so much time helping. lifting as we climb? try bastards who climb all over me, as i lift them forward. it's a relief though, to finally lift myself up. there are days that i look upwards at the sky and smile because i'm rising towards the sun. in this drugery, grey splattered arcaic town, I enflaming my own name into posterity - three months left in the year (barely) and i've decided that 2002 is the year i will be published. i'm making my work visible, letting the world see the ideas i've sweated so hard to produce. firestarter indelibly on the memories of others, instead of ashing on my own flesh burn circling burn!!
MUSIC: rekindled
READING: my heart swelling with... pride!
FEELING:to go forward, fabulously
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