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08.19.02 - 3:32 a.m.
dumb mistake. huge. how long will it take for me to repay all the mistakes i make. the worst part is that i'm kicking myself for relaxing. for taking it easy. a stupid accident. crashed my friend's car. so much for trust. so much for being an adult. why do i have to go through this now. turn it over, right? i'll get slapped in the face. i should. i deserve it. i'm yearning to self-destruct over this - teach myself the lessons i never seem to learn. talk about loneliness. i never felt so alone as having to stand by myself with a police officer and two angry women - all my fault - i just wanted to hide - be invisible - not get out of my house again. the worst part was that i called people afterwards and no one was home - no one came to my rescue the way i've dropped everything to bail and comfort other people. i want to believe that it's better not to trust any one at all. to not tempt myself with even the option that i can depend on other people. but when i pare away even the flakiest friends, then i'm left with nothing but myself. and who would want to be stuck with me? i want to punish myself. the awful awful truth was that i was driving around feeling sorry for myself, and i went shopping for something i'd sworn off. i couldn't just be by myself, sit alone. i had to get a cheap sweet companion. my only dignity was that i wasn't wrapped up in that when i hit the car - i just want to die - the ironic part of this whole escapade gone wrong is that i *have* thought so many times about driving this car off the road. and i got a glimpse of a car out of control. "fantasy is what we want but reality is what we need," - says lauryn hill. where was i today?
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