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08.16.2002 -
i woke up absolutely raging today. raging at myself for stalling, for standing on the brink of the life i have always wanted for myself. i clawed my way out of a town i knew resented me, out of a family unwilling to relate to me, out of relationships with colleagues that have only abused me. but i am so deeply afraid of loneliness, you see, and i've always got someone somebody something to clamp onto. i put my life on hold to try to breathe another's air. my own body breathes just fine, thank you. stalwartly i ignore my own abilities, my own machine, and try to ride tandem with another. it doesn't work. it never does. i tend to chose the most fragile vulnerable machine - like 'fixer-upers' and i channel all my might, magic, belief that against all odds, that machine will ride again. i deprive myself of strength, chosing instead to surreptitiously fold my energy like liquid batter. and i mix and push and hover like a nervous baker and i firmly believe that this is the only way i can bake the bread that i *need* to sustain myself. i'm allergic to my own cooking, i suppose. it's not that i can't cook. god, if you could only SEE the friends and lovers i have whipped into shape. i bake and i wait. perhaps they'll mature goldenly and save their icing for me - the best part. i watch through my secret window and wait for them to rise. and they don't. i create perfect friggin ovens - the most comfortable homes - my arms, my letters, my soothing talk, my everything. they don't rise, but they won't leave. why should they? not when i invite them to stay indefinitely. i got angry this morning when i realized that i am starving. damn it, how starved my perspective is for the fuel of my own ambition. stop friggin' ciphoning that my life's BLOOD (What else this elixir i pour: confidence, belief, desire, and hope?) - sick sick sick of pumping life like air into their sagging tires, sick of pretending i don't see (or don't hurt) when i become fully aware that they they they, not i, burn their own rubber - spinning their wheels stubbornly in the same tired place i'm deflated you see. and fuck wishing and waiting for someone to pick me up, replenish me, prop me off and send me on my way - i'm deflated and ONLY I CAN GIVE MYSELF LIFE SO THAT I MIGHT FINALLY LIVE. okay, i admit it - i am already prepared. today's the time. now's the time. i am already able to burst out of the pan, buoyant and light. i am already ready - WATCH ME BURN
MUSIC:
READING:
FEELING:
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