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03.30.05 - 10:47 p.m.
furioser and furioser dang, i wish i were motivated to stop by here and deposit effervescent feelings more regularly, rather than considering this site my most convenient pitstop/crypt/waste management center to dump my anger, fury born from indirect scathing my deepest insecurities. so first - here's a lovely remembrance of a spontaneous outburst where i unleashed a sparkle of excitement and happiness that brought a smile the faces of two strangers -- and then i'll proceed to bitch and rant as usual. a few weeks ago during a brief reprieve from snow - but not icy cold weather - i found myself waiting at a campus bus stop along with two other random male students. the night was icy, yes, but so very clear. and overhead i hear, then see, a slivers of silver sheened wings flapping as if in unison. birds flying in any v-formation must be a sure sign that spring's coming soon, right? anyway, because silver wings flapping cut such an intense light through the evening sky; because the sound of squawking birds clamored such an unusual sound and refreshing alternative from lazy trudging busses and automated tower bells; because, i was so happy that my mind was not so caught up in my research post-library and my senses were open to the environment around me; and because the waiting for the 8:45PM bus has become a routine so familiar, the familiar borders on outright oppressive.. i decided to not keep my observation in the night sky to myself. and like an 8year old child, i point to the sky and say loudly to the two others at the bus shelter - "look up at the birds flying overhead! isn't that amazing?!?!?" and then i exclaim at a screaming pitch and laugh aloud for anyone to hear:
"winter's officially over, damnit!" and, the other two guys started smiling too...and just basically talking too each other...and i felt an instance of community...subversive and resistant and powerful and just enjoying life... i didn't even try to talk to the guys afterwards, because that wasn't the point. i just needed to make the isolation end while during the tiresome wait at the busstop. and i did. you know what, i change my mind. i don't even want to dwell on this week's bullshit tailspin. in a nutshell? after not speaking to any of my advisors for about six months, i have a two hour conversation last week with the professors whom i've always thought was most sympathetic to my situation. she's the one that i've shared most honestly my depressive episodes and suicidal ideations the most pressure-filled period of my graduate program 2 years ago - my candidacy exams. although our conversation ranged over multiple topics, my mind keeps returning to her flippant comment (paraphrasing here...): that i finish up my dissertation "without driving everyone crazy like you did during [your candidacy exams"]." so, thanks for the honesty check - two years too late - that all she sympathized and said she was there to listen and help me achieve my goals - all those times i remember fondly as finally exposing all my vulnerabilities and believing it was okay to "come as i am" and bring my entire self - emotions, passion, fear, and neuroses and all - into the academic sphere, this professors comes along and bitch-slaps that rapport and all that symbolized to me. i'm sure i'm reading her words too extremely or not generously enough - maybe she referred to the crazy logistics of administering a candidacy exam when my dissertation advisor happens to be on leave and mostly unhelpful... i've re-acted out my horror, shame, anger at hearing the truth in several permutations since then... right now i'm cresting on fury - a good thing i think - because i don't wish to talk to any professer if their words sting, and if i come across feeling worse rather than i already feel...
the furious response is - "this uncity's more toxic to me with each passing year, and i have GOT to get the f*ck out of this place and the f*ck away from these people who pay lipservice to understanding and welcoming, when in fact, they don't get me and never will"... so faster and furioser i've got six weeks to pump out a good 80 pages of a dissertation - i can - i've done it before - and do it again - writing furiously to fly on silver wings - bullet-fast outward and away away away
MUSIC: maroon5's all i need
READING: cross_words
FEELING:stir crazed enough to fly this coop
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