|
11.08.04 - 10:09 p.m.
less and less important that
today, i'm flooded with memories of undertow: the awful, tedious, and increasing meaninglessness that day to day of campus life became in sept 2001. i wanted more than anything for the university to just call the semester off. if last week i couldn't stop my fixation with reading through op-ed pieces to grasp how the global world interpreted these elections, today, i'm UTTERLY turned off by the banner headlines: "U.S. leads attack on Falluja"" I'm not much of a mathematician but does 2,000 insurgents versus 12,000-15,000 u.s. air and ground military - who've purportedly been "itching" to strike not seem imbalanced? speculative rhetoric and statistics abstract; i won't use that mode alone to process what's going on in the world right now - the photos don't help either - u.s. "escorted" transportation of families out of falluja - reminds me of a perverse scene from a family vacation - closer to home: 1. i did NOT apply to my dream job today at r.u. in n.j. - even though i knew the application was due on nov. 8th for two months now... i refused to pull an all nighter, i refused to pulls rush jobs, and perhaps my new gage of the "is it worth it or not" meter is messed up, and denial in itself, but frankly, the more flustered and chaotic i and others get around an event, the louder the warning signs i here that it's NOT worth it for me, or i'm not ready, or it's just not the right time, i'm forcing something not meant to be... that doesn't mean that i don't think i'm qualified. it does mean i'm not ready - and i know i could can try harder harder much more consistently... this weekend, rather than work on my own dissertation, i graded my student papers on kincaid... what grabbed my attention, that i HAD to read these student papers NOW, was when the opening line from my most stoic, polite, contained student: "my father died when i was twelve. i never knew my father"... there are other reasons of course that i just decided this weekend that rather than continue to make a collasal mess of EVERYTHING as i rushed through everything half-assedly, why not focus on one thing (here grading student papers) and do them well -- and i'd like to think that what i've learned from the reading these papers very very closely rather than trying to rush through is that i have a much better sense of what the next five weeks will be - rather than giving up all hope as i did in fall 2001, hating and resenting so much that the university world didn't stop when downstate new york stopped, i just stopped caring, the only way i can combat the awful deadening effacing of the meaning of how i spend my day to day - is to give it my all... and to be frank, at this time, when i hardly see my grad peers, much less my family, my students are the ones who have the most regular account of how i'm doing every afternoon... i'm grateful for that structure... and yes, at times i just want to use the space to let them know how chaotic and f*cked and out of control (to my advisor's minds, no less) that my world has become - as i've continued to fall short of deadline after dealinde, or not even fall short, just refuse to compete... whenever i renew my commitment to my students, i do reap the benefit of visible proof that they've improved. i need that tangible evidence of progress, moving forward, since i can't seem to measure positively my progress in any other arena - nothing i'm doing - seems enough - but then again, i often don't allow myself space to step back and apprehend the big picture and give myself credit, and see where i've been blah blah blah - i need proof that the world does have positive things to bring me, as death, closure, ending signs big and small convereged today... * my aunt hazel died last thursday of diabetes, after her leg was amputed not even three weeks ago...the funeral's next sunday... ugh, why do my family reunions increasingly center around death, grief endings... * my meaningless 'certificate of participation' in my summer program arrived today, a full 3 months since i left california... oh, another world seriously bluer, brighter, sunnier, yes plastic is socal but that new chance opportunity and growth forward life and career wise, much less the asst. prof i pined after and just didn't make time to make something work out... *oh to boot, did i mention a major mtg (ASA) occurs this weekend - same weekend as the funeral - the person how i felt for one day (a 2 hour lunch, then sitting side by side the rest of one afternoon through seminar)... this guy's going to be on this coast presenting a paper in hotlanta; if'd i'd have gotten my ass and act together i could've arranged SOMETHING... * a letter dated two years ago, arrived two years too late. i just don't know what to do with it...i gave up hope long ago that i'd ever receive it, and the fact that the writer wouldn't send it was the source/representative of so much tension and anger. now what? i, of all people, know "the agency of the letter" that meaning's always defered, that any text i read say today at 1:00PM signifies different, imparts new meanings, defers old ones, at 1:05PM... so, with all this knowledge in town, i don't know.
so unusual to receive a handwritten snail mailed letter these days, i savored just the unopened envelop just put in it in my bag on the way out of my house... first impulse, to procrastinate to wait to defer - again i feared what the inside held, and yet i knew that those fears respond not at all to my feelings in the present, and my two years faded how i used to feel and i've forgotten how i 'should' feel - not feel as say oprah would command, but how i'd have felt in that 2002. nevertheless, i read it today - appropriately with a coffee mug in one hand, a cigarette in the other, right on the grad library steps where i'd often take a smoke and talk with this person - i do have to say at least the act of reading a hand written letter over email was far more satisfying than puffs on a cigarette but still... empty...end..begin..now... i do not want to forfeit the next four years of my life and my happiness to an upside down bushwacked world... i found this quote today on margaretcho's weblog, another person's signature that read: "when i dare to be powerful -- to use my strength in the sevice of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether i am afraid" -- Audre Lorde yes. i know that apart from the friggin early snow, an inexplicable heavy fear shadows over me... the only way out is to dare to be powerful... how can i dare to use my strength, in a way that doesn't make me feel like the reactionary activist thats just so DAMN tired of exercising strength from the every narrowing corner of "resistance"? (get on the offensive?) to be continued
MUSIC: she_will_be_loved
READING: news blogs
FEELING:at sea, but anchoring home
�
|
|
