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09.25.04 - 8:57 p.m.
clearing my plate clear my plate of all responsibilities, but then what? as i write this heading, already i can see the fitting metaphor, (or do i mean allegorical connection, geez am i really graduating with a ph.d. in literature when these basic definitions escape me?)... sure, i recognize my mindless habit of shoveling forkful after forkful of food - plate to mouth - plate to mouth -until i've cleared that plate...more times than not, i forget either what i just ate, or why i just ate... my immediate panic these days isn't the calories, but that my body participated in an activity where my mind was elsewhere. where was i? how could i *do* something, and yet not *be* somewhere here? can't even call this disappearance lost time, because i've not so much lost time but vacated my own premises. same with purging, i guess. i purge to clear my stomach, another mechanical process -- heave 'n flush, heave n' flush -- and if i had to divide this wooshful practice, i'd say i'd say that the rush of clearing my plate-palate-stomach were the endgame - but, then what? it's okay that these obsevations don't go anywhere, i'm not trying to solve a dilemma, as much as to recuperate a lost moment...as to confront the immediate blankness that flashes afterwards... can i really be addicted to act and not the objective? make abstract real, circling... whatcha getting at? i cleared my over-extended plate of responsibilities this week: 1. gave up one of my two tutorial shifts. 2. gave over my 'publicity coordinator' duties in the colloquium series... for any future information, folks, do not contact me. 3. gave up/rsvp'd "no" to three social activities this weekend - applepicking, a fun theme birthdayparty, a post-presentation celebration party - and finally, i've achieved the unimaginable - i've got nowhere to be, and no one to attend to this weekend, but myself... purging my calender, purging my body... lovely addiction, saying no (kind of like the other face of the coin called binging, where i'm saying yes to everything and/or everywhich kind of food. a particular passive yes: as in, "sure. pile it on." i didn't ask for this serving, nope, i don't really need that helping, either. but yes is all i know, so, no, don't stop, yes, sonosmore please...)... whether i'm shoving everything in me, or tossing everything out and away from me... the puzzling lost blank feeling remains: now what?
MUSIC: norahjones
READING: afterlacan
FEELING:ataloss
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