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09.20.04 - 12:54 a.m.
dizzified the alms job list came out on friday. need i say more? oddly, while my cohort nationwide scheduled a collective hysterical release anticipating this most celebrated release amongst the most esoteric circles - literature, english, linguistic, american, cultural studies, and critical theory departments - i almost missed it. i'd forgotten to mark it on my calender. and my accidental lifesaver nick (lifesaver too many times to count) informed me of the date... my response: calm. relief. FINALLY the blurry frame of the next step came into focus, as i reviewed the concrete details of some 50 prospective tenure-track or post-doc fellowships nationwide. "HELP WANTED: YOUR OVER-EDUCATED MIND NEEDED HERE". concrete deadlines (sadly, Nov. 1st and onwards). definitive names and addresses. articulated soundbites of tricks (af-am, visual culture, historical), and visible bookmarks (pre-1850, or mid-19thc - to WWI)... and above all - salaries starting at $40K average. that might seem like nothing to those professional 2 and 3 year programmers of MBAs, JDs, and MPSs. i see those dollars signs as more than 3x what i'm making now. i can live with that. yes i can. assessing my worth, assessing so many experiences and collating them into a 2 page CV and a 2 page job letter... when i consider the arduous process which the ALMS Job List AY '04-'05 set off... i see this as one more ritual of taking stock of my life at 30yrs. i can't explain my calm, because in truth, the demands ahead of me -- most loomingly, to churn out 250 pages in the next 9 months - DIZZIFY me. unlike the application to grad school, that is institutions like columbiacornellprincetonnyuyalestanfordrutgersbrown and wherever else i applied 8 years ago, this job application posseses a tambre altogether different from those applications to be a student. long forgotten flashbacks arise sitting in my undergrad career services office and just writing letters to these faraway institutions like time magazine, the new yorker, st. martin's press. random house, and all those other publishing houses i'd have died to enter... then, was i terrified? yes. i felt then like a paddle outta water, an outsider in every way without even the referants or a clue as to where to access the referants to know what i was applying too. much less, what those addresses like the Rockefeller or the Flatiron Building even looked like... 10+ years later i know. i've done the cold calls, the cold walk-ins to countless reception rooms, i've done the psyching myself up in elevator shafts...all the while pushing myself to beam a self-image to match the statistics i'd assembled and formatted on resume paper. this time around, i'm in insider in every way -- when i check out the faculty rosters at universities across the country, i recognize names of professors and fellows because i've encountered those people before they were professors . either around graduate seminar tables, or random conferences, i *know* the faces that exist behind those names. i know their histories... i knew them back then... and so, i'm calm because i'm seeing the job application process as a stepping forward rather than stepping up... god, i hope i'm right that those members of the club will remember our times together way back when before they were dr. so and so, or prof. hyphenated concatenated name (after the marriage and other life changes of course). i'm still the same old me. same initials. same # of characters in my names (first and last, thank you mom and dad for lovely symmetry). same heading... headlining a far lovelier, outgoing, bolder, empowered story. now, i must resolve to go out and tell my story. boldly. no more bullshit about taking anyone else's spot, the affirmative action malais projected from others onto my tootha dn nail chips up lifes climbing wall. i've just got to do it. sucks that after a weekend of no purging, at all, i puked tonight on purpose just to punish myself for stupid stupid mistakes. to recap friday's pandemonium: +zapped two "i am here and mean business emails to 2 committee members" + picked up and deposited pay check + copyedited poster for colloquium + patched up misunderstanding with CL + picked up student essay #1 papers + checked out alms list job list + awful encounter with departmental manager. spent an hour patching things up, forgotten resposibility + picked up and babysat friend's 4yr old son from day care + ran down the hill in pouring rain to get car +picked up fixed car from garage ($214.00 - now i'm up to $650.00+ dollars on my car in 30 days - fastly draining my nostalgia for this sentimentally valued car). + bought cake for dinner +attended friend's women's circle dinner party. (did i mention my landlord's been painting my apartment and in and out with repairs constantly) and all that's just ONE day in my harried life - my life exhausts me - plain and simple - must journal about how i'll manage to get writing done this week. no excuses - no other time but now - I HAVE GOT TO SQUEEZE EVERY WORKING HOUR OUT OF EVERY WORKING DAY!!! must stop here. a periodized life. calculated. accounted for. no time for daydream drift. i CAN make my way. my confidence levels in my worth SCREAM at an ALL-TIME HIGH... what i must boost now is my confidence that, regardless of my mis-managing scattered, disorganized habits, i CAN get my act together and achieve the possibilities i'm ualified for. pep talk over. timed 30 minutes on web - have got to unplug. looking forward... dizzying me
MUSIC: caringiscreepy, theshins
READING: myself the riot act
FEELING:dizzy
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