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05.30.04 - 12:21 a.m.
all things considered when i recognize that i've hit the nirvana of contentment, as i did today, i refrain from questioning or dwelling too long as to why. who knows when the feeling will end; better to embrace that, all things considered, for 18 hours or so, i lived for the moment, and that moment was exactly where i was supposed to be. the story's not so easy, as i had to rouse my co UCD (undercoverdiva) out of her funk and her apartment to come join 20,000+ other people who descended on a football field as earlier as 6:30AM to hear this year's convocation speaker: the former prez of US. i reasoned to J__ that she had to go since: (a) the rain had stopped for kristsake, and the sun was out (compared to last years humid sticky mudfest, she had to go out and soak up its overdue shades (b) we complain so very often that NOTHING happens in this dang village, and here was a chance to participate in a history in the making
As for me, without any family, out-of-town friends, or the weight of nostalgic 'end of an era' burdening today, i could just dress as comfortably and dowdily as i wanted. i even hiked up to campus and managed to find J _ "at the concession stand" (helLO, there were like THREE), etc... amidst thousands of people. it was just the two of us, but that's all i needed to feel better about trekking out of my house, and to paraphrase today's speaker: "No where else but in this uncity, do people walk up a 90o hill, in 5o weather, to get a 20 [fill in whatever low percentile] for their efforts." it's so damn true - this place has redefined survival, perserverance, and even redefined the scale of fear... i couldn't get over howmany folks had walked around with jaws dropped at the cavernous waterfalls and steep hills here - i walk by them everyday, and forget to be phased by their majestic size or the numbers of dead that these gorges have swallowed. the best part of being among a rousing crowd, in the upper level of that huge football stadium, in what felt like 45o weather given the winds, is that damn, rather than feel dwarfed against the humungous scale of this institution and century old institutions and beaucoup $$$$, I FELT LIKE I COULD DO ANYTHING!!! When WJC walked onto the stadium, i was one of the first people in my row to squeal "oh my gosh,THAT'S MY PRESIDENT!!!!" and sort of shake my hands in the air like a cheerleader without pom-poms... no one told me to shut up, and in fact the nice lady in front of me with superfancy binoculars loaned her pair to me a few times during his 30 minute speech.. wjc's speech .i was beside myself... ...how could i not be caught up in realizing the vastness of the electoral process, such that, how many years could i vote for someone to represent me as a figurehead for my nation, and yet have that relationship always and only mediated by television,print, electronic media???no, i didn't shake his hand or anything...but it's like all these years, i've talked and talked about this man, and truthfully he's only existed in discourse - or within video clips or books articles, but not as a talking speaking person. funny enough, the university podium seemed quite "shabby" when he stood before it (only in light of past memories of state of the union, oval office settings, this podium seemed outdated, parochial, and like high school. i was so delighted to hear this man speak, because he *is* fcking intelligent, and clearly talked more off the top of his head than he did from his notes..and i'm glad he had the courage to say, even in the face of all those privileged students at their parents that you know, 130 mill. children a year never get a chance to go to school... how many of them could gain literacy and an education for a fraction of what y'all paid for your time here. (i love that he can shame ppl, and still gain applause anyway!) no wonder he's mesmorized crowds in years past...and he's also a terrible flirt - even sitting on a podium besides a bunch of 21year old snrs, he made these off-hand compliments that i'm sure made the two women blush... i must admit too that i was quite jealous of the student who sat by his side and literally had his ear, his confidance, privy to the prez's thoughts! no, i've known her since she was a sophomore and she most definitely works her ass off. she has integrity, she's not a snob (i'm still not sure of her class background). again, though i must say that stunningly good lucks and height (she's got to be 5'11' or 6'ft) work to her advantage to at least grab the eyes of a mostly male establishment. photos i know power can't be bottled in a body-size frame...(and hey, i'm beyond my growth spurth years)..besides, just as supreme crt justice ruth b.-g.'s name was bandied around a bit today, i know that height alone won't get anyone through the world... i've sat on a committee with her for two years as well, and she commands respect...even as ppl respect me...she just looked like such a friggin' model today... and while i joke about this 'ucd' badge - which j_ and i said today we have to come up with a manifesto and creed and all that to spell out how we'll do better than the fabulous, but clueless, mentors who've preceded us...i worried about the merits of self-deprecation...or machiavellian leadership...i want that praise and recognition...i got just a taste of it with my recent essay prize, and i'm hungry for more...no one's stopping me...
Sh*t, Cirling! If not Now, WHEN?
MUSIC: A Tribe Called Quest, "Can I Kick It?"
READING: Margaret Edson's "Wit"
FEELING:Content
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