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05.16.04 - 1:56 p.m.
shame on me i'll save my detailed rant of anger and disappointment in myself for my eyes only paper journal. still, i've got to write somewhere loudly, openly, to make these old behaviors stop: shame on me for using my therapist's thoughtless remarks as a pitiful excuse to act more symptomatically this week, i.e., binge and purge with abandon. grrrr !!! seriously, i know exactly how to recognize and distance myself when a therapist says something outright stupid; i know that HER own lack of tact and sensitivity are way off the mark, not the falsity of what i KNOW to be MY truth. last week, i owned up to her that after a very fun night out dancing with friends, i deliberately chose to head to the 24 hr deli to buy food to consume, purge, and numb myself to my weird insecurity about coming home alone. i fessed up to exactly the foods i bought - one large cookie, one candy bar, and one medium bag of chips. total cost for the cheapest legal u.s. addiction: $4.09. her idiotic response: "oh, that's not a binge." in the moment, i immediately corrected her rather than let my anger surface, and i said something like: "excuse me, if i'm using food to purposely numb my feelings, to sabotage the way my evening went, to screw with my neurotransmitters, hormones, GI-system by purging that food, well yes, [lady] that's a binge. that's bulimia." why am i wasting my time coaching this woman on recognizing an eating disorder/disordered eating for what it is. then, she turns her mistake around and praises me for being so honest, having such a healthy behavior, and asks me if i want her to keep asking me more often (try at all!) how my E.D. recovery is going. i rolled my eyes and respond: 'uhm, yea-h.' what made it worse (since her brain must not remember anything) i half-joked that i wasn't sure how to spend the $500 i won last week for winning an essay contest, and said my choices included - 'fixing my car' or 'buying a new tooth' - she said cooed something about how expensive dentists were these days... i'm like, 'excuse me, have you not looked at my jagged gumline lately?' she's pushing me to drama, conflict, confrontation, and letting loose my resentment - all a waste of my time - i will bring her my cute cannister that contains about 8 broken, rotted, and/or extracted teeth next week, along with amalgamate fillings and such - damn, i must have paid my dentist over $5,000 for 3 years to repair my teeth, insert crowns and caps, and the shit's fallen off left and right. i know for a fact that he's only got one child to send through college, so i'm even more pissed off about where my funds are going... and you know what, i don't care if she gets that i'm sick or not... i've let myself react to the bait of proving that i am sick, which is a colassal waste of my time, given that i've weaned out sickness as a primary facet of my personality... and besides, when she files her stupid invoices to get her $80/week, does she not check in the box what the dsm-iv told her lately. ugh. dim wit. idiot. why don't i leave already! i must tap into the strength to leave a so-called wellness person who's ruining my sanity. i vow to say something tomorrow. i'm stronger, smarter, and too experienced down this lane before not to recognize an awful therapist when i've sat through her rote response for over six months. "you are human." "you are okay" lady - puh-lease. ugh.
MUSIC: annoying thoughts racing in my head
READING: 40 papers on the same STUPID paper topic, ugh!
FEELING: pissed at myself
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