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05.14.04 - 12:44 a.m.
may showers went to a bridal shower party tonight, the theme was cocktails, swizzlesticks, and cosmopolitans. not surprisingly, i spent way too much for the gift, considering that i just became closer to her this semester - my stupid way of overcompensating that my gift (aka me) isn't 'good enough' - i bought a set of martini glasses AND cute glass stem decorations... the cocktail party gave me an excuse to buy nice black heeled sandals that i've drooled over... to wear my shimmery powder blue dress -- backless and braless -- the combined effect, with a silk shawl for effect, left me feeling and looking breathless (smile). in other words, the party gave me a chance to feel like a woman, to act like a woman...to be 30 and dress up for martinis at a lounge, for 15+ women to sit around a long table and giggle and gossip about all sorts of girly/womanly shit - had no idea that plastic applicators that come with u.s. tampons where not universal. or knew of anyone who actually got toxic shock syndrome...or how many women had shaved their heads once before .. i loved the event...i felt wholly metropolitan, like i was at a happy hour in any downtown city, yet of course in this controlled environment, no rich, but tactless men swarming all over us. there were a very few odd moments - like to__'s (the bridal/bachelorette's of honor)...fiance is a therapist, and he works at IC, the other college in town...and his co-workers came to this party... no, they have no idea that for one semester, i actually went to IC to meet my nutritionist when i was seeing her 2x a week...i know the IC waiting room... but so what... the stranger part was when sh___, who happens to be to___'s committee chair, and also on my committee stopped by - she just returned from africa, her trip to senegal evoked a surprisingly sharp resentment and anger in me - partly because i know she's involved with another african prof on campus and i'm infuritated by her disregard for boundaries or proprieties... and also i resent that she's been to 'my mother continent" and i have not...i don't want to know about her trip at all. research grants enable faculty like her to travel funded... it's lost history to me, i'm not sure what her fixation or fascination is with the continent - at my meanest i suspect she's jealous of this slave history of oppression - sorry lady, dating/screwing african profs or traveling to africa will not give you license to adopt african american history as your own. the tone of the room changed drastically when she walked in... seriously, most of us stopped laughing... may i NEVER become the type of person whose entrance in a room so radically causes others to stop laughing; to be on their guard; to project smiles they don't feel... she has that affect in most every environment i've seen her operate in -- the edge of the unpredictable which she embodies wouldn't be so dangerous, if i didn't imagine a scheming, manipulating, putting to her own advantage, person behind her smile. in other words, i can't ever fully trust her; the wary stiffness in the room that i felt upon her entrance also attest to what she evokes in others.. i should go to sleep - i'm drunk off of a sexy night in a sexless uncity... to be continued
MUSIC: the nation, may 24th issue
READING:
FEELING: cosmopolitan martinis
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