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05.03.04 - 12:10 a.m.
saaaaaaved! no, i'm not reporting that i've been born again over the weekend. although irony of ironies, my mom and sister are on a religious retreat in upstate new york this weekend. my mom looks forward to this event for months beforehand, and while my walls of secular cynacism have calcified since i moved out of my parents house... i remember the sublime high of such weekends, feeling renewed and hopeful, dedicated and 150% believing that so long as i surrendered my soul, body, thoughts, heart, love, every desire to j.c. i'd live forever and ever in heaven. i miss that absolute certainty at times. there's a reason why the hymn's called "blessed assurance": regardless of whether the results to my prayers are positive or negative, god's will is always right; god's will wins every time. i tried to tell my mom during our 11 minute conversation (aren't cellphone timers cruelly convenient?) before she left for her retreat about the fellowship debacle on wednesday...so interesting how these days she tempers the stock religious phrases i've heard since neo-natal days ('put your trust in god', 'he'll provide', 'turn it over to the lord',) etc.. etc., she now will sprinkle in "don't get depressed honey", "don't let this bother you"... which is her way of acknowledging that something biochemical that's not so easily translatable into the KJV affects me - and i can pray from now til kingdom come, but that chronic sadness is the real deal - not a sign of not praying enough, or lack of faith... friday not a day to revisit - woke up 15 minutes before my important meeting with the new prof - which means i arrived 30 minutes late to this meeting. i can not BELIEVE she waited for me - i don't think i would have - i've been writing an apology letter in my head ever since, which i will send. ugh. let it go. had meetings and gatherings one on top of the other from 11AM - clear until 6PM - i'm glad i went to the 4:30 reading of an up-n-coming lesbian latina writer from l.a.. it was a pleasant way to end a hectic week [single ppl my age flock to happy hours on fridays; while i flock in the opposite direction to a fiction reading on campus. no wonder i'm not meeting anybody] . i'm pissed that i showed up to the 1:15 lunch meeting with this writer, just because the organizer begged me the day before when i bumped into her: "please come. nobody's rsvped. i need you there. i'm afraid no one will show up."
so i volunteer my body like a good citizen. i should have taken the nap i'd been longing for instead. there must have been at least 15 people at the lgbt center, i hardly got to talk to her - why oh why do i jump reflexively "as high as you want me to jump", when someone barks my way "jump NOW!, and fun bonding with ang., an arab-amer. woman in my program. she's got a heart of golden generosity and sweetest unself-conscious curiosity about the world, especially politics. like yesterday she sported a "democracy now" t-shirt, that she bought off of npr.org. i won't ramble on here, but i'm glad to find out we've got much in common...she and her beau p.e.f. have made such a comfortable home, always open. she lives on this huge hill that i walk down to get home - she's the type of person i wouldn't think twice about knocking at her door, for a cup of tea honeyed with gossip. friday night i went to a pretty forgettable party; forgetable because it was so familiar. i just wasn't in the mood to dress in black, choose among 10+bottles of expensive wine, olives, brie, and stonewheat crackers - the high high culture crowd - comp lit, romance and german studies, etc... tried to take a 20 minute nap before hand. useless. plus had a wicked asthma/allergy attack - very very unsexy. i'm a bit miffed since i lost track of alice on her last night, and she left early saturday morning...although there's definitely something to her abrupt departures. she left me a message from the San Fran airport. ..it's better that way, i guess ...no mourning, or nostalgia ...just 'until we meet up again in july'. saturday threw an impromptu picnic for z before she heads home for malaysia on thursday- first time in 2 years since she's been home - i can remember her buying the ticket back in february. damn time.... again, i'm cross my fingers and toes in superstitious rituals of thanks (and wishful thinking that the good times will last). i'm still getting used to this new circle of friends (mostly 3rd years)... it was the type of event where j. phoned me at 2PM to be ready by 4PM - and i couldn't waste time protesting that i had too much work to do... i certainly did, i just couldn't even begin to think about where to pick up again in what felt like my first free weekend since april 2nd, when the last batch of papers were due. so how to celebrate the first weekend of summer in a schizoid-weathered town that went from low 40s to mid-80s in 36 hours? PLAY SOCCER, THAT'S WHAT!!!! yeah, yeah, i'm screaming about the joys of playing soccer, when i can't remember the last time i even kicked a ball around - the best part though was that the 5 of us - ages 26 - 31, running around, tripping each other up, screaming, falling, communicating BESIDES friggin' discourse discourse discourse was the SWEETEST group ocassion that i've had in ages ages ages... ...so many funny moments too - like j_ showing off her soccer moves, with a proud competitive spirit that i've never seen, or ang. running barefoot kicking the ball way above z's head through an invisible goal post, then realizing aloud that she broke her own rules about keeping the ball low to the ground... or after j_ scored the first goal, yoshi and i growl good-naturedly "alright alright" and he pulls off his shirt, i throw down my sunglasses and watch and we're like okay let's do this right. after running hard after the ball, and losing my breath way too easily, i decided two things (1) to try my hand at goalie, before i crumbled from being too out of shape and (2) i'm willing to give up smoking if it means greater endurance to play outdoors with friends. a purposeful goal, punctuated with laughter and like sense - me stop smoking even though it's screwing my health, nay don't think much about these very real consequences.. but me stop smoking so i can run up and down and be playful with my friends by a peaceful pond and arboretum, yes, that makes sense. so 1st try at goallie, i made not one but TWO extraordinary SAVES - i'm a volleyball player at heart - so i loved just jumping up and down on my toes, pacing back and forth....i completely forgot too that goallies can use their hands (so blocked both saves with my shins and thighs)... and now i dream of making a sailing leap, and falling thud to the ground - catching the ball mid-air, diving for the ball volleyball style - i felt more in my sports body than i have in ages - this isn't even a comparison to working out at the gym - a different adrenaline rush that has nothing to do with hitting the last 10 minutes of 45 minutes on a stairmaster (although that sublime high as it's own virtues) but this is a euphoria is of another nature. even better - i hit this state in a group high - not my isolated, headphone, my own world high... i like i like i like. maybe summer will be interesting after all. sunday z & j materialized again totally unplanned.. i <3 when that happens....i have to pick out a costume - for my classes season finale: "f*ck ur gender day" - and after way too much gender consciousness raising on my part - i decided against the street thug look, and for a hyperfeminine, on the side of drag queen - the clincher was an l.a. sunday times arts story on the many faces of vag. cream. davis. - without putting myself into two much debt, and with the cheerful advice of Z_ and J _ who, bless 'em, took a break from their grading to raid this store evolution (this uncity's lone broadway/st mark's place store front - fetish, shoe, goth, lycra, wigs, tierras, handcuffs, spiked belts, even angel wings with real goose feathers , )... i'm in the dressing room, dismaying over these junior size dresses that hardly fit over my head, when Z_ finds this gorgeous gorgeous pale blue (sky blue maybe)with sheen surface (not lycra, not sparkles either)... j__ nodded her approval for my first white feather boa, i bought false eyelashes (another first)... and an auburn blonde wig. tomorrow's extravaganze in the house of sille will be another lip - synch - we're re-enacting a scene from ley del deseo this time le prof will be in drag, while one t.a. pushes this handcart that will take him across the width of the lecture hall. i get to run around, playing the lovesick, heroine of "la voix humaine", waiting for a phone call that will never arrive... out of frustration, the heroine (played by the transsexual tina in almodovar's movie), runs around destroying her room with an axe...then flings herself on her bed, expired from hysterical sobbing,a love-suicide... all camp and kitch...and then to end the scene, the phone rings, and tina is resurrected, runs to the phone screaming breathlessly "diga me" - i can't wait to wreak havoc in gs D... after our melodramatic comedy hour, we pass out course evaluations...gotta hand to le prof. a genius.... i'm still gonna ask him if he'll play r-e-s-p-e-c-t so i can lead a congo line out the door, as a final hurrah. must remember camera, and a telephone!... saaaaved saaaved saaaved from drowning myself in self-pity this weekend. got caught in the very cold rain running home tonight but that's okay... lots of news awaits me this week. will try to update as it happens. if the aauw hoses me, i very well may lie undercover for a while to tend my own wounds privately... fingers crossed fingers crossed please may i be saaaaveeed one more time again this week.
MUSIC: macy grey, when i see you
READING: movie, la ley del deseo
FEELING:rained on !?!?!?
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