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05.13.03 - 11:46 p.m.
how it feels to be free i passed the oral defense of my ph.d. candidacy exams, exactly one week ago today. for two hours i responded to questions about the 70 odd pages of writing that i've busted my ass (and almost busted my life) to produce. what will i remember most? ~~~the chair of my committee (who is away on sabbatical) phoned me at midnight the day of, to tell me that "i'm sure that you'll do stunningly well." ~~~when i went to the library and to return the anthology written prof s____. call it letting go of a souvenir, and magically she appears behind me to ask how i'm doing, to calm my last minute fears, and to say she's looking forward to my defense... [i've got an all-female committee - Four FABULOUS Profs whom I adore, and whom i finally finally believe adore my ideas, my writing, and well, even me ;-) ~~~my "little house on the prairie" moment: i'm walking in the middle of the arts quad towards the english department building. i hear my name called from behind. my friend a__ saw me from in the library, ran out to greet me and gave me the tightest most massive hug...i saw stars..if that didn't ground me into my body, i don't know what else could. ~~~two other profs in my committee bought me water, i was too nervous to get anything for myself beforehand. ~~~ I SHOWED UP ON TIME...how about THAT for facing my battles full-on!!!!!! ~~~my opening statement: i'm interested not only in HOW literature means (metaphors, tropes, etc..) but WHY literature means as it means. not just interpreting WHAT writers are trying to say, but WHY they chose these words, and not those. i believe that writers write with purpose, and as a literary critic it is my job to *listen* to that language and bring that purpose to light. ~~~ the worry stone from new zealand, made of lava and decorated with colorful sparkly minerals. i needed something to hold onto during the defense, and i wasn't ashamed to bring it (i would have brought a teddy bear, if i needed to, but the stone was much handier). i'm not ashamed of my fear, and i spoke through it anyway! ~~~the sunflower that my dear friend brought to me, while i waited outside the office while the fabulous profs decided my fate. i truly felt like the brightest, most special girl in the world...how about that - a flower for a scholarly date with myself! doing the dance of freedom... literally exclaiming in these through the halls, and marbled walls.... I'M FREE, I'M FREE, I AM SO FREE, I MADE IT, I'M HERE AND I AM FREEEEE!!! ~~~ giving a round of hugs to EIGHT friends who showed up on at 3PM on a tuesday afternoon to embrace me ~~~the lovely bottle of champagne that i'd saved from my january birthday...i was determined to toast myself, whether to drink down sorrows of failing or joy of passing... ~~~ doing another jig of freedom in front of the library and tons of people, and not giving a shit, because dammnit i'm free!!! (plus i headed home before 4 PM for once)... ~~~oh freedom. tastes so good. and the part that few could understand is that my freedom, is the freedom to start the final phase of my graduate career...my dissertation with a FREE FRESH SLATE...with SANITY...with only ONE therapy meeting a week, instead of FOUR (nutritionist, therapist, doctor, psych) each week...Free to have perspective...Free not to be on everyone's critical list...Free to DREAM about my Future...Free to just have a chance to Figure out what I Want at a my own pace... ~~~yes, on the one hand, i could boast that i just earned my second master's degree...(you may call me Mistress Squared, or just B.A.M.A.M.A.) those degrees don't matter. what matters to me is that i walked through an anxiety-producing experience...by talking my way through it...and i didn't have to check out of my life, i didn't have to jump over a bridge, i didn't have to hurt myself to get what i wanted or needed... of course i have scars...but they are the scars of everyday life...i know there's no such thing as normal....but for me to get through this event without the paramedics, without pills, without crises...with calm...is the most freeing feeling of all... landing, not circling, in my own self-satisfaction.... and this too, i believe, will last... loving, me "I feel, therefore I can be free" -- Audre Lorde
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