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08.26.02 - 12:59 a.m.
i have this habit of posting notes to myself in visible places so that i will be forced to remind myself of the very truths that are already in my head, i just conveniently forget them. today is monday, and i'm supposed to deliver my first public lecture - it's so not a big deal. what makes it public is that it's outside the classroom. it's a lecture because i'm speaking to people who don't know ahead of time what i'm saying. this is not a big deal. the ironic part--i *volunteered* to do this talk. daring myself to act in ways that petrify me used to be a surefire way to get things done. i make a promise that a month from now i'll be ready to do whatever i don't have the courage to do. trouble is, one month passes and my courage hasn't really increased one bit. i've subordinated panic to numb denial. it's not really happening. not if i chose to piss the day away shopping for items i won't buy, watching e!'s nearly famous showgirls, followed by e!'s revealed on sarah michelle gellar. far be it from me to face my own life. so much easier to mindlessly stare at the ambition of others. again, ever seeking triggers in the world to kick me into finally acting on my life. it eventually works, though i get fed up with myself enough to turn off the t.v., then seek a new distraction. i'm not saying much new, signal that even journaling has devolved iinto a sad thin mask of procrastination. the least i can do is try. i have faith that i can try. not yet feeling the faith that i can do it. potential's not meant to be frozen like a stick to kill possibility. one's not the old, the other the new: faith fires staid potential, transforming forgotten energies into golden currenciescash in.you're already rich. electrifying destinedsure.go now facing all fearswith faith beyond understandingtried=pride
MUSIC: mood
READING: memory
FEELING:music
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